Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Love, Guilt and LoA

     So last post I was having a pretty good fight with a friend and I want to touch on that quickly to say we have worked it out, he and I spoke and decided to not fight again and really I don’t think we will but mostly because I am just not going to put myself back in the position to be hurt again. I have this irritating tendency to just freely allow myself to love people and when I do I love them the whole way. I don’t skimp out on it. But that can lead to bruised feelings, when it becomes apparent that you are not actually loved in the same way. I want very much to love freely and it not be too much but I just haven’t reached that level of enlightenment yet. When I am faced with the bitter truth that I am not as important to someone as they are to me, it hurts. Ah well I am still learning after all, I will figure it out, but how do I keep loving freely with out destroying who I am? If I am supposed to love everyone as I love myself. Where does the love for me come in? When do I deserve that? Well like I said I am still learning. I guess that I need the love of others means I am not quite good enough at all of this yet. Damn it! Its really hard. Do I learn to just live with less love then I give or do I stop loving period? Do I look for more loving people and just stop offering my love to the people who don’t value me? Crap! I know that the love I am not getting from those around me is love that I am not giving myself. I know that. Its just really hard to start loving myself. I don’t know where to find it sometimes. Then other times it feels so real and easy to access. I don’t want to feel like I don’t matter, and all too often that is exactly how I do feel, and knowing that that comes from me is difficult to deal with. As I tap my emotions are getting easier to understand but my need for love isn’t any lessened. I am able to play with my emotions like I never have before and yet I cant seem to break off a piece of the love.

     It really is crazy miraculous for me how just when I need it the universe thru the LoA sends me exactly what I need to keep going. I have really been asking how I have managed to use the LoA to receive all of this amazing information but I still cant manage to attract to myself that which I need to improve my situation. Today I got a really awesome answer to that question from my good buddy and Secret teacher Bob Proctor. I really love that guy. I would totally marry him. So let me lay it out for you. I had gotten these videos from Bob awhile back and somehow I accidentally deleted them and didn’t realize till it was too late, and I kept meaning to go back to the site and try to find them, but I got busy with some things and so I never did. Well going thru email the other day I found one from Bob and so I decided to go to the site and rather than just look for them I would use my gmail addy and have him send them again and thankfully he did. I just got done watching them and once again I get an answer I am looking for. Bob explained to me a bit about how you get your paradigm and how you can reprogram it. Its crazy how this shit just works. I ask and I get. It doesn’t matter what it is. Mostly it has been a flood of information, starting with the movie The Secret and ending, well never I guess, but not only that, like with the stuff from the state of California wasn’t supposed to come for another month. I just kept saying over and over I need it now I need it now I need it now. It came Saturday. Now as for Bob’s message. It was so on target to what I asked the universe for like three days before. I struggle with feelings of guilt that are way out of proportion to anything I have ever done to anyone, I haven’t really been a malicious person in my life, I have of course made mistakes and I know I have hurt peoples feelings but not usually on purpose, I am not abusive to people I try to be loving and accepting as much as possible. Yet I constantly feel guilty about even the tiniest things or even for caring about myself in even the smallest ways, and I just figured out why, with the help of Bob. He explains in these videos that I watched how before you are born and after you have only your subconscious brain and your conscious brain develops thought as you grow, your subconscious brain is absorbing your surroundings and using that to tell you how to feel about yourself and your world. When I was born my mother and father were not married because my mother had just abandoned her other family (husband and five kids) then proceeded to have another family with my dad. I can only imagine how guilty she must have felt about that. So then if what Bob is saying is true, all of that guilt she felt went directly into my brain and taught me to be guilty. This is pretty much the same things I saw that those doctors and scientists say on the zeitgeist films talk about, how our environment in large determines who and what we are how we feel and what we think and even if we are sick or fat or nice or mean. How you can have a predisposition to something but your environment can turn it on in you. Its scary how much you pick for your kids who they are and you don’t even know it. He kindly explained how to help change your paradigm too. I would highly recommend going to his site and signing up for his newsletters and videos, he has a lot of great information to share.

I am gonna leave it there for now Reader. I have a few more things to say but I cant gather my thoughts about them and so I will post this and be back with you soon.  J

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Well this kinda sucks.

     I haven’t posted a blog in a few days (I posted two today to catch up!) because I have this friend, and he and I recently had a fight. Well I am not sure that fight is the correct word here, but lets go with it shall we? Now I do want to start off by saying I admit that in the beginning it was all me, I had feelings that were not suited to the situation but, that’s not how it ended up. My friend is sweet, lonely, depressed and someone who I know would love to be with someone and who happens to be in love with another friend of ours. I could tell and was kinda teasing him but also her and saying they should get married. I was half teasing half serious I think they both knew it. They are sweet and cute and I could see them as a couple so sue me. Also knowing he has feelings for her made it pretty easy to want to help make it happen. So they were gonna watch a movie and hang out in vent (a program we use to talk to each other in games) and invited me along I told them I would come back and watch after I went to the store and so when I got home I popped into the vent channel to watch but I got the feeling fast I was intruding so I asked my friend in messenger if I was, and were they were having a vent date he said kinda and I made an excuse and ducked out. I am used to hanging out with forum most evenings in vent so so I admit I felt kinda left out and sad, especially since I had been originally included so I felt kinda dropped, but I used tapping to ease that since it was kinda silly, emotions don’t have to make sense they just are, you use them to figure yourself out. I am getting that now. Well then he sends me a message later saying she was gone and so I asked him about the “vent date” in messenger, and he just started to troll me, and that made me mad, I hate it when he does that it feels like he is making fun of me. In this instance it felt like I was being treated like I wasn’t good enough to share anything real with me (which I guess turned out to be more true than I thought) it was obvious that he didn’t want to tell me, and that fucking stung. So I ended up leaving vent pissed off at him. I was really angry because my feelings were hurt, and I should have just said that, instead of allowing myself to be that upset. Anyway I tapped about it and apologized for leaving vent mad, but I didn’t return to vent I stayed talking to him via messenger, I wasn’t really in the mood to talk, but I tried to explained why I was upset and that I shouldn’t have been but that didn’t excuse that I don’t like to be trolled and he needs to stop double talking me. I have asked him to stop and I guess the fact that he hasn’t is more indicative of his level of respect for me than I cared to admit.

     I also need to say that during my tapping session about the incident I had a realization that I had I overestimated our relationship, I overstepped and misinterpreted my place in that relationship. I thought I was one thing and realized I was something else. It stung a bit, and I told him that. I told him that I was sorry and that I wouldn’t do it again. I am pretty sure he took it in some weird way because then he proceeded to let me know in no uncertain terms that I am not trustworthy due to the fact that I constantly overreact about everything. He went on to point to everything in my blog from struggles with being too emotional due to my depression and bipolar disorder, to my search for enlightenment in my life, to my excitement over the ways I am trying to help myself, such as the secret and tapping and the zeitgeist movement. I cant even tell you how that felt like a hot poker to the heart. You can imagine that I basically felt at that point that I had I opened myself up to him shared myself in an honest and real way only to have that information used against me like a knife. Like it wasn’t already hard enough to realize your not as important to someone as you think you are, having it ground into me was a bit unnecessary, and I said so. I think I also said something along the lines of fuck you.

     Its actually kind of funny he refuses to look at what I am doing and then has the balls to mock it and me for trying to find a sense of peace in my life. That is just mind blowing from someone who professes to love me. I fully and completely admit that all of my emotions are not reasonable, but really, who’s are? I am however trying to take steps to make that better inside me and having one of my closest friends then take not only the darkness of my world but that I am trying to bring some light into it, and then use it to hurt me, just to avoid being real with me is just really hard to accept. I have been tapping about it all day and I am feeling much better about it, but that doesn’t change the fact that I thought I had something I never really had in the first place and that stings. I am going to keep tapping about that, about how much it stings to be so profoundly incorrect about something that I placed such importance on. I know I will get it put in the right place so I can move forward and attract to me the people that can accept me for who I am with out judging me for being too emotional or open to trying different ways to heal myself.

Thoughts from early this week.

     Today is Monday and after yesterdays session of self acceptance tapping I am still experiencing a feeling of well being and a sense of having released at least in part some of what has been blocking me from not only being myself , but also from trusting myself. I admit I do feel a bit shy with it, but the feeling is still there and very different from what I am used to, but it really does feel freaking great! I mean I see and feel real physical manifestations of my negative emotions clearing out of me. Just now I was sitting here and it all of a sudden occurred to me that I wasn’t sitting with my shoulders scrunched up and hard. That I was indeed just sitting relaxed and engaged in what I was doing not half paying attention to one thing, while the other part of me is berating myself over some imagined awfulness I am or have done or whatever. That is pretty nice. I am so happy to have found the tools that will allow me to never return to that place of self hatred and fear. I know I am getting stronger daily. I feel so much more alive and thrilled to be contemplating making some even bigger changes in my life. I think that writing this blog is part of all of the changes in me. It feels really great to be putting all of this down, to be offering my journey to you Reader, so that just maybe you will find a friend here, find a connection that leads you to a place that gives you the joy you are seeking in your life, the joy that I am finding in my life. I want that joy to be like a happy virus running out from this blog to “infect” everyone it touches with a bug called Joy! 

     Its pretty cool to me that rather than try to push my emotions back and trying to stop feeling them every time something pops up now, I just sort of start analyzing it and exploring it and deciding what to call it. I almost play with the emotion. I don’t run from it anymore. I just let it be. I just let it tell me what it is and if its not something I want to feel again I just pull out my new and shiny tool, Tapping and get rid of it for good. That is absolutely the opposite of what I have ever done before. I always just felt like such a victim to what was going on inside me not in control of it at all. Like I was just stuck with how I felt and nothing could change that. It is so awesome to have been wrong. Its even more awesome to know its okay to be wrong. I am gonna make mistakes sometimes and that’s just fine. I will make plenty of wonderful decisions and maybe an occasional mistake, but I will learn from it all, I am excited by the idea of it. 
      I cant stop thinking about this one sentence in the movie The Secret, when Lisa says, “Its not your job to change the world.” I think that is one of the only things about the movie that I disagree with. It is my job. Its your job. it’s a job that we do every day that we strive to be more than we were the day before. When we open ourselves up to Love and Joy in our lives we radiate that to everyone around us and make that part of the world a better place, but even more than that it opens you up to the knowledge of all the ways we are connected. Who did I assist in their journey today or yesterday or last week with my blogs or tweets or facebook links. Did I put an idea in someone’s mind or cause someone to think differently or see in their world a more beautiful place? I don’t know. But the possibility is there. The chance for a connection is there based on the love that I am giving to myself and there by radiating out to all who come in contact with me. I hope that if you are looking for answers or you are struggling to make sense of your world and are reading these words that they are radiating out to you the love I feel for you now. The love that resides inside you now. Use these tools that I have found to help you feel that love, that joy. If these tools aren’t the right ones for you then I hope that this is only one stop on your journey of self discovery and enlightenment. I hope this road leads you to the right tools for you to find within you all the things you need to be happy. Because I promise you now everything you need to feel good and to be filled with joy daily is already inside you. You may be a bit broken, you may have some emotions and experiences weighing you down, but once you clear out the hurt, and pain of old energy you will find a freer and happier you. Even as I write those words I realize that a couple of months ago reading that would have made me roll my eyes and say something like sure easy for you to say. But it is easy for me to say, simply because it is true. I am so grateful.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

New way to Tap that made me pretty happy!

I stumbled this week, hard. Actually as I write those words I realize that it was coming for a couple of days before it happened. I have been stewing on all this information that is flooding toward me faster than I can handle. I asked for help in a very passionate way and the universe has certainly delivered, I think I overloaded my brain frankly. I fucking fell apart for a couple of days. I cried and raged and pretty basically thru a colossal tantrum. As I put that thought into actual words the truth of it rang clear inside me and I was suddenly able to forgive myself and even laugh a bit at myself for something so small. It is amazing how I am being shown even my own self. I also made a mistake in not continuing to watch the secret if not daily at least frequently. I got caught up in Meridian EFT Tapping, the zeitgeist shit, and then sons of anarchy (good show but very violent and negative so not good for me right this second) and weeds (same thing kinda), and I a little bit got lost from the message of the great secret. I have it on now as I write this and the goodness and truth of its message are washing over me and cleansing me of the negative thoughts I have allowed to build up in me over the last few days. I need to get back on track. But I have to remember this is all new and I still am learning, growing and getting stronger. I need to keep these teachers around me till I am a bit more steady on my spiritual legs so to speak. Right this moment I am doing all of this work alone. I am doing the tapping alone with only articles and videos to guide me, and it is helping but I cant help but wonder if I had proper guidance in the journey would I be doing better? Or an I doing it exactly as I need to for me? I am gonna concentrate that the latter is true and accept guidance where I find it. I know that I feel stronger everyday thru my eft meridian tapping exercises, and as they get more specific and I uncover new things with it, what I have noticed most though is that I don’t trust myself. I am pretty sure that has been a learned attitude toward myself thru out my life, and I am working to discover as many of those times and feelings as I am able to so I can release them and their control over me and my thoughts. I am done living this stunted and frightened way. I am sick of being afraid by everything, of simply being afraid to live. I don’t want, nor will I just sit here and wait to die anymore. I am so mad that I have been doing that. I have to get that put in the right order in my head if I am gonna get past this. I have to embrace me and forget the lessons I have learned that have taught me to hate and mistrust myself.

     The above paragraph was written on Thursday this week and when I began to think that I would like a bit more guidance in my tapping I found a new tapping site and technique that I like a lot more than the style I was using. Let me get you a link…  tapping and I really like how it gets your whole brain involved. It really works much better for me. There are a lot of vids for it too and he doesn’t say okay now if you want to really know how to do it buy this video or go to our meetings. He just obviously wants to help I like that. He plainly says on his site that he gives these videos away free on his site because he wants to help as many people as he can with this. He has a book sure and I know he has personal sessions too but that doesn’t negate how he is trying to help people with these extremely detailed videos that take you fully thru the tapping process and help you center yourself and work thru your emotions. Its amazing He is a great teacher. I am so blessed to have found him. 
     Reconditioning my brain to love me is pretty hard work. Not in the sense that its work I cant do but its extremely tiring. Today (Sunday) I spent the morning doing some self acceptance tapping and after an hour and a half I was so exhausted I had to lay down for 45 minutes. I feel into such a deep sleep I woke up so refreshed and I still feel amazing hours later. I know there is still work to do and sure it may make me tired, but damn it tired is a lot better than panicked hatred for myself and I can take a nap! I also really let myself start to think too big sometimes. I have always done that. I get all worked up thinking about things I could never change on my own and start to think how could I possibly deserve to be happy if _________. You fill in the blank there are thousands of reasons to not be happy. Its stupid to use them as excuses and I am really starting to get that now. My unhappiness doesn’t feed anyone or clothe anyone. My unhappiness cant love anyone and I cant love anyone when I hate me and am unhappy. I am much more able to make any kind of difference just by being good to me and damn it, I do deserve it. If you are reading this I hope that you understand that you do too. I hope that if you are struggling in anyway you understand that these tools are here for you too. You called this to you and there is a reason for that. Don’t ignore that! Love to you Reader! XOXO J

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Damn I dont even know how to title this shit!

     Hi Reader! I am really trying to gather my thoughts, over the last couple of days I have watched all of the films by The Zeitgeist Movement and I am reborn. I know that sounds fucking stupid but its how I feel. Its almost like when you take blinders off a horse and he can finally see the truth of his environment, I have been made more aware of what is going on around me and how grateful I am to be awake, and being awake I don’t feel subjected by the rules that are being forced on me by those “in power”, that’s not to say I am stupid enough to go willy nilly breaking the rules to the point I get arrested or anything like that. Here’s the thing though, with this information and feeling of freedom, I am also incredibly pissed off. So as you can imagine its been kind of hard to reconcile those two completely polar emotions. Especially when you consider how much anger I have managed to eliminate from myself in the last couple of weeks. I am so angry that we are all kept from the information that can and would change our species for the better. I am angry that more of us aren’t asking these questions that lead to these answers, and I am angry at all the families/people/power-hungry bastards that have worked cooperatively to keep us blinded to what is really going on. The people in power thumb their collective noses at us and what we need as a whole. And we are being placated with cars and big TVs, and pieces of paper that don’t mean anything. I wonder if any of those “powerful” people have given any thought at all about who is going to take care of them after they killed us all off for dollars. Who will you pay to clean your shit or to be your slave when we are all dead and all you have are dollars? It makes me mad to think of how short sighted we are allowing ourselves to be. But then on the other hand there are all these people who do realize what is taking place and they are trying to tell us. We have some choices to make but I think that most people don’t realize that there is one. I think a lot of the reason for that is that any time someone comes along with the right message that person or people are labeled as kooks so its less likely we will listen to them or if they do manage to get thru even a little they are killed off. Think about how many of the people in the world who were thinking in new and radical ways that are no longer with us and why. I hope we can figure it out before its too late. I hope that all of us can understand that WE are the ones with the actual power and that we can use that power to change the world we live in, and really we wouldn’t have to do anything other than stop working in their system. I know that sounds scary but if we organized and decided together to stop using money and to stop listening to the rules and take matters into our own hands how could they stop us? The true people in power have zero skills expect the skill to create money they cant make anything or probably even figure out how to feed themselves in most cases with out us. So why are we taking care of them? I think some people are starting to get that. It gives me hope.
     I am a tad boggled as well by all the connections and how I am becoming aware of them all around me. I am only now waking up to the fact of them, not just the connections around me but in the world and in the universe. Like how I keep getting the information I am asking for every time I ask for it. First The Secret, then Tapping, and now these movies from the Zeitgeist site. It really is pretty amazing how fast all of this is coming my way. I am so calm and so able to control my emotions in a way I have never been able to and as we all know I have been struggling in this life to figure out who the fuck I am and what is important to me, but I feel like I am really getting a handle on that. I honestly feel like all of this new information is beginning to scrub me clean of the filthy lies I have not only been told but taught to believe. About the world about the universe and about where I belong in it. I have never in all my life felt so free to just express myself and be who I truly am and not what I have been led to believe I am by others expectations, desires, and perceptions of what I should or shouldn’t be. Of course this also leads to a responsibility to be sure that I take care in my relationships with others and to remember to love as I love myself, and I have to admit in my broken ass brain its kinda hard to do that sometimes. I am used to judging and hating and fearing anything I don’t understand we are trained to do that. So breaking that habit is a bit of an effort I have to remind myself to remember what I am doing. As I mentioned earlier I am of two minds about all of this. I am pissed the fuck off, but I am also so blessed to have been given the gifts I have been given. I swear I feel like I just got pulled out of the freaking matrix and Morpheus is right there saying it was all just a dream, but just like Neo waking up doesn’t mean I don’t have shit to do! And I don’t think that any one of us has all the right answers but I think if we work together for the betterment of mankind and not the hording of things and money we would be on a much better track than the one we are on now.
     I was on Facebook today as I often am just screwing around and catching up on friends, well you know I am sure you go there too. But I see this feed about how congress isn’t paying our troops and how we should stop paying congress, that by it self made me laugh as that person is only half right, congress isn’t paying their troops those troops aren’t ours, and your damn right we should stop paying them. Then one of my nieces writes how she doesn’t support the war and that we are the ones that are the actual terrorists, and sadly she is correct, but of course that spurned an entire family fight on the freaking facebook (yes that’s what we do!) about how Heather is an awful American and human being I guess now that she thinks on her own and not the thoughts preprogrammed into us by the government run media, it was funny how they started to try to scare her out of her opinion by using the lies they have been taught to believe as truth by our system and those who are in control of it. Funny. I know guys I know I sound like some kooky conspiracy theorist but its not a theory if the conspiracy exists now is it? And the evidence is available for anyone who wants to look. I am still just in the beginning stages of trying to look up all the shit in the movies but so far everything I found is right there easy to find if you want to, nor am I saying that these movie are 100% perfect either I am sure that like anyone this guy has put his own spin on shit, I am taking from the movies too that he doesn’t believe in God and that is fine too. I do, I don’t however believe in Jesus, and I didn’t need his movie to tell me how bogus that little story was and I have seen the parallels to other myths myself even as a child so I don’t need anyone to point out to me how ridiculous the story is. Nor do I think the bible is God’s book, it is just a system of control that was put into use a long time ago and if it ever was useful has outlived said usefulness. And lets not forget, the zeitgeist guy isn’t the only one saying we are about to run out of oil, or that money is fake, or that our government is doing some pretty shady shit, or that the bible is bogus, and what about the corporations buying up the water? No one is making that shit up either. We all have had our minds blown by some of the things that have come to light over the years that have been directly done by our own government. I don’t know testing LSD on “our“ troops just as only one example we all know there are many others. I know there are gonna be all these cries of well if you don’t like America get out!, and the good old, we aren’t perfect but we are the best out there, really? Come on. Stop using sound bites as arguments and think for yourselves, cause baby we have got to start paying attention. I know waking up hurts. It sucks but it can also be very liberating. We don’t have to keep living for these idiots and what they want. We can start to decide for ourselves what is important. We can choose differently. Again, I have hope.
     I truly wish for a word that more adequately expresses what I am feeling now, but I guess Gratitude will have to suffice, and don’t forget reader one of the things I am grateful for is you. I will get back to more posts on taps very soon I am not done with that, and I am sure I will be manifesting in my life more information and awakenings and you know I cant wait to share them with you, but for now, I am off! Live lovingly and gratefully today and all days. J

Saturday, April 9, 2011


     Reader, absolutely everywhere I look these days I see the LoA. Today on my twitter I found a link to a page from Benjamin Franklin’s Autobiography (click here!) showing how he too used the secret in his life. Not that I needed validation for what I am experiencing but it sure is nice to see how many other people lived this way, and are living this way. Its really exciting to live in a time when this information is available to anyone who cares to really look and experience it. Just on youtube alone I was able to find so many videos on not only the secret and its message of the law of attraction but meridian tapping as well. Its remarkable the amount of people who are out there just waiting to offer you this information, much of it doesn’t even cost much or even anything in many cases. Its really awesome to find myself in this wonderful community, and even though I am new to the neighborhood and just getting my self oriented, its nice to find such a warm welcome from the people who inhabit it. I do hope that some of these people will maybe even find their way to this blog and see how they have changed the life of this fellow traveler on this journey called life. It is also my most fervent wish that many of you who read this blog will join us in experiencing the joy that belong to all of us as humans and children of God/The Universe/Source Energy/Endless Good (or whatever label makes you happy). I yearn to live in a world where this is “common knowledge” where every child is raised this way and all people are so happy they couldn’t possibly imagine being greedy or selfish. it’s a pretty sweet dream I think.
     Reader I just realized something, I am proud of myself. I cant even remember the last time I was pleased with myself before all of this coming to me, much less being proud of myself. This is really a great feeling. It feels a bit odd I will admit but I think I could get used to it.
     It makes me a little sad to admit it but one of my friends is having a really tough time with me going thru these changes he wants very much to stay in the hate filled world he has created for himself and so my new happiness has caused him some discomfort. I am really trying to share with him how I am changing without “pushing” anything on him but I can see in his eyes when he says he is happy for me he is thinking yeah just wait girl we will see, funny thing is I am kinda thinking the same thing toward him. My mom is also not quite sure what to think about me and how I am manifesting changes in myself and my world daily. But I cant do anything but be me and hope that they are open enough to accept me and the wonderful ways I am unlocking my true self everyday. Really that is exactly how it feels to me, I have let these traumas build up in me and block me from being myself. I created a prison and then locked myself in it. But having finally located the key, I am happy to be walking out of that cage, and I am not looking back. Its high time that I allowed myself to be happy. Its always been my turn, I just never realized it and, man, am I ready to take it!
     Over the last few days since my last post I have been doing a lot of soul searching in the form of tapping and going where my emotions take me and as a result I have been tapping a lot about my relationship with God. I love Him so much, but I haven’t been honoring His love for me by trusting Him to guide me where I need to go to be free, and as soon as I did I began to manifest in my life so many things that I needed to help me, to enlighten me. So I have been tapping about that, about how I have made it hard on myself and how I have allowed lies to shape my relationship with God. No one else belongs there and I am using the tapping method to release these lies from me and embrace God in my heart fully. It is really miraculous. I feel very blessed.
     WOW WOW WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its amazing how the things I think about, the universe flows toward me. Just like I mentioned earlier in this blog I have been imagining what it would be like if we all used the secret to live our lives and to form a society and then by looking around on facebook today in dissatisfaction with our American government I found this link on the Whitehouse page. Check it out this movie is VERY IMPORTANT! 
Zeitgeist The Movement. I really do think that we as a species are on the brink, I think it could go either way, destruction or evolution and what we do now is going to really decide our future. I hope everyone watches this. Its pretty compelling and hard to ignore. It feels really great to know I am not alone in my thoughts that there HAS to be a better way for humans to live. I really hope we don’t wait too long to change. With that readers I am going to post this much delayed blog and … well start a new one of course! I have way too much to share with you to be quiet for too long! ~XX~ J

Monday, April 4, 2011

Hi There Reader

     Hello Reader! Been a few days since my last post but I have been faithfully writing every day for you and here we go… I watched Burlesque this week end and at the beginning of the song, But I am a good girl, Xtina says all breathy and sexy like, “Where have I been all my life?” and that is exactly how I feel about everything that is happening to me now. Actually that movie has many references that made me think of the secret. Perfect timing again, seriously everything I see lately is like God going looky here at the secret!
     You know its great to feel these changes in me, and just like the way that one bad thing leads to another all the good things are not only leading to another they are running to the another and another and another…. It feels so good to feel this way and I am so excited knowing more is on the way and that I have only just begun to feel good, good about me about the world about the people in my life and my role in the universe. My gratitude is boundless. I am happy to be taking back my power, to take back my joy. These things are mine to have and to cherish. I am so grateful to be shown this. I can tell you that every movement of my body feels more purposeful and more calm, every thought feels more profound, easy, and free, I can feel my body lightening as my soul strengthens as I release the chains that I have put on myself that held me down and kept me from soaring to the heights I wanted to fly to and to the experiences I wanted to have. I let others views of me dictate who I was. It feels amazing to release that and just be who I am, and even though I am still discovering who that is daily, it is MY journey to take and MY life to live. I absolutely don’t have to accept others views as my own, they aren’t any more or less valid or real than mine. I feel so relieved to have this come to me when it did. But I don’t believe it was any kind of accident. I asked for it. I begged for it and I demanded it. God brought it to me just as surely as he brought you here to this page to read these words. I trust in that. I am moved to tears with gratitude for that and for you Reader. You help me more than you can imagine by reading this and spreading the message to all you touch throughout your day and your journey. I am grateful for you.
     I woke up today (this blog has taken a couple days to write and by today I mean Friday) simply overflowing with goodness. Good feelings, good thoughts, good emotions. I have had absolutely no difficulty in combating any of my negative thoughts or emotions and every day those thoughts are less and less frequent in my mind and life. So far I have kept my tapping kind of general, things such as anxiety/fear feelings of powerlessness, I have tapped only specifically about my mom, and that was due to the fact that I am caring for her and want to be as loving with her as I can. It is working and I am pleased about that. There are a couple of things that have happened in my life that were very traumatic to me and I know in the next few days I will spend some time tapping on those subjects. I think I haven’t don’t them yet for a couple of reasons. First I wanted to try it out and see how it worked on general things before getting too specific, and also I wanted to really put my taps together thoughtfully before I begin. I am working on that now. I know that I will be doing those taps in the next few days I will put them here for you and of course let you know how it went. So far all my taps have really worked for me I am so grateful to have found this method to help myself. I am not perfect I am still learning and growing everyday but I love and accept myself and how I am embracing all of these changes in my life.
     I started today (Saturday) a bit different, I woke up happy and grateful but a bit annoyed with my neighbors I had only been asleep 4 hours and they were yelling… AGAIN Anyway I couldn’t get back to sleep and I kept thinking about taps that I knew I needed to do but had been avoiding. Like one about my brother, he molested me when I was young as a way to pay my mom back for abandoning him when he and my other older siblings were children. So decision made I finished writing up the tap for him that I had been working on and got started. Boy did I bring some crap up, and it exhausted me so much I feel asleep shortly after doing several rounds of tapping on the subject of him and what happened. That was not a great idea, I slept awful and woke up worse. So after being up for a while and having some coffee and what not I got back to it. As I was tapping I realized I was getting very angry so I switched the focus of the tap to how mad it made me that he violated me the way he did. I feel lighter and freer after this tap than I have since… well I don’t honestly know since when. I don’t think ever really. I cried a lot during the tap and felt a lot of things but its nice to know that I don’t have to feel that way anymore. Its amazing how well this technique works but if you really think about it maybe not so much. I mean the places that you tap are the same places you see most people rub pinch or touch when they are sad or stressed or mad. Its nice to be able to really put them to good use.
     I really skipped doing much tapping Sunday since I had really done some great work the two days before. But when I went grocery shopping some fear popped up and so. I think before bed tonight a bit of time spent on a fear tap will be perfect. It is really a habit for me to feel freaked out about groceries. I have spent some time going hungry and of course not realizing that I attracted that to me, but I need to change the way I think there and tapping should be a nice way to get those feelings under control so I can use the LoA in my life in a more effective loving and grateful way. Well I am about to end this blog here, its Monday morning and I haven’t slept yet, thank God my mom doesn’t get up till twoish. I intend to do some tapping tomorrow on fear and see what I dredge up I want to stamp out all the negative thoughts I can find in me. You can be sure I will bring to you here all I find out, experience, learn or just plain think is interesting. Happy day to you Reader, and again I am grateful for you. Jammy