Long over due

     I am pretty tired, I have been battling myself for over four decades. I know the ammunition that I carry is not for the most part of my own making, and yet here I go lugging it around, shooting myself with it on a regular basis. Not to say I am trying to shirk my responsibility for the ways in which I have kept myself fighting this senseless fight, and in fact added my own special rounds to the magazine. Knowing that I didn’t do the initial breaking, doesn’t lessen the sting of the cracks I added myself. I want so much to be thru with the ways that I am torturing myself and just find the peace I keep glimpsing in me. I can see that it is indeed there, I just have so much crap piled on top of it every time I unearth a piece of me an avalanche falls on it and I feel lost again. I am working constantly on releasing and its getting easier, every time to let go of all of the emotions and beliefs that are holding me back. It leaves me hopeful.
     Its been several days since I had a decent blog post so I am going to start off with the stuff from the earlier in the week when I started listening to the Sedona Method CD’s. (SM from now on) and first I want to say that I love Hale’s laugh, it is exuberant, unrestrained, and I guess a tad donkey like! It is marvelous, but he said something on the first disc that is so what is happening with me its uncanny its almost like he was picking examples out of my own brain to speak about, and since he and I have never met, that seems really unlikely. He said that the brain does what it is good at, he was referring of course to the way that it is so easy to fall back into the habit of doing things a certain way, and my brain is trying to do that so much right now. I was lying in bed the other night thinking about all of the ways I have been (I guess) trained to think over my life and how underneath all of that is my true self. All of a sudden I could picture myself deep inside as this little red dude who was frantically throwing all of these boxes filled with negative emotions out of me trying to free him(?)self. I don’t know why but as soon as I saw it in my mind I thought him even though he looked very unisex, but I knew that that figure represented my true me. I knew it was red cause it was so furiously working to be rid of the bounds that constricted it. I knew it was my struggle I was seeing in my minds eye. I hope soon that little guy is able to settle down and relax.
     One of the exercises in SD is to make a list of the things you want to accomplish thru the course and so I started a list and I will put it here now.
Be Stronger
Love Myself
Financial Independence
More meaningful relationships
My House (there is one that I love)
A Business
Finish writing a book (or two?)
     Its not a huge list but its pretty good I think. I think that most of the things on the list boil down to one thing really and that is self acceptance. I struggle with trusting myself daily. Even in small ways its something that is difficult for me to just let to and trust, gee maybe that is why I need outside validation… hmmm. It is getting much easier as I learn to release. I would imagine once I am able to sit still again and finish the CD’s it will be even easier. Just the releasing technique is making my life so much more easy to handle. My normal days before starting this journey were such a flood of self hating voices and recriminations it’s a wonder that I have been able to do anything at all in my life. Those voices are changing. I was really struggling with some emotions I didn’t want on Mothers Day, I was really having to release constantly to get rid of it., but what was amazing is that when it started to subside and I began to gain control of how I was experiencing my emotions again. I didn’t automatically go into beat myself up mode, which then would have led to more self judgments and then releasing. I just thought to myself well its okay girl you’re not perfect, you are still learning. that’s different than the ways I am used to dealing with myself. It was nice.
     If you read my last blog post you know I am struggling with something very personal right now that I am not willing to discuss. Almost everything I do or feel or think will be in this blog, Reader. This one thing I am keeping to myself. I know you will understand that I need to put it behind me as fast as I can and I am doing that. I am going to end this blog here for today I hope to get back to the CD’s later tonight or tomorrow. I just wasn’t able the last few days to devote my attention to it.

Thanks for riding along. J

The List and I love you.

     A few blogs ago I told you about a call I received from a lovely gentleman named Arash, who is a life coach with Bob Proctor. I am still working with the exercises he gave me. One of the things he said to do was to tell myself I love you, every day for 90 days. I have sat here for ten minutes trying to think of words that describe to you how incredibly foreign and strange the words I love you felt coming out of my mouth while I stood in my bathroom looking at me in the mirror. I love so many people. I offer my affection freely to those I love and for a few I offer my complete self as much as I am able. Me, I have been less that kind to me. I keep missing days, I keep avoiding mirrors. I am going to stop doing that today. The other thing that Arash had me do was make two lists 20 items long each. The first one is all the things about me that irritate or upset me about myself. Basically the hate list. The other is the Grateful for, Love List. The first list I am supposed to burn so I can be rid of it. The second one I am supposed to keep with me and look at daily. I am not going to publish the burn list, for obvious reasons, I am going to bring to you now the love list, and I am going to resist the urge to ask your opinion on it. Its not your list. Its mine so I need to be a honey badger about it. The funny thing about this process is that I absolutely expected to be finished with the hate list long before the love list, but I am not. I still need three more things. That makes me smile.
　
THE LIST
1. Nice
2. Funny
3. My way with words
4. Very Considerate
5. Smart
6. Open Minded
7. Loyal
8. Kind
9. Strong
10. Determination
11. That I like to sing
12. Good Dancer
13. Loving
14. Honest
15. My laugh
16. Nice Rack (I know I know but it really is)
17. Curious
18. My Journey
19 Caring
20. That I am trying.
　
Again I am having to resist the urge to write the words How do you like it reader… and all though I did just do that, the fact that I don’t actually mean the question does make it a bit easier to put it down and accept it for what it is. Just a learned behavior, looking to someone else to tell me how to feel about me. I have another blog coming I am working on it now, but I thought this should be by its self.
Cya Soon Reader, J