Busy Busy Busy

Hello Reader, 
     I know it has been a few days since my last post, and that last post was a tad on the small and lame side of things. It is my wish that today makes up for it. I have been restless the last few days with tumbling thoughts and whirling emotions. I have been releasing madly and reading much, I have listened to the second cd of SM, apparently lost a dear friend, and made some new ones. Its been busy.
     Let me start off by saying I am feeling beyond sad to have lost a friend that means a lot to me. Losing her point of view, laughter, love, wisdom, and friendship is an ache in my heart that releasing has not been able to completely lessen, I think that is indicative of the importance I place on her friendship. She is mad at me over the drama that happened a couple of weeks ago now, that I mentioned but didn’t explain in previous blogs. I understand how she feels I am mad at me too. I should have handled things a slightly different way but the end result would have been the same regardless, and that is something I don’t think she understands. What hurts me the most about it all is that first she just jumped to conclusions over a text conversation since she wouldn’t give me the courtesy to speak to me, and second is that thru out the entire mess, not once has she even asked me if I am okay. Actually only two of my friends have been at all supportive or loving to me thru out this. I have tried to go back in game and play, I am not finding any joy in it. I realized it was my friends I wanted… not WoW. Its probably time to just move on. If the friendships I have made in this game are at all real they wont need the game to sustain them and if they are not… then they are not. I am not going to beat myself up to please other people anymore, and I am most certainly not going to force myself to associate with people who have no regard for me to please anyone either. I feel sad that my making a mistake in the way I handled the situation has turned into an unforgivable sin, it was only a mistake after all not a personal attack on anyone. Here is the thing though, all of this says much more about me than anyone else and I recognize that. I know that I have attracted this whole mess to me. I created it myself. I trusted, and loved where it was inappropriate and I then I expressed myself badly. It is my need for outside sources of love and validation that ultimately caused the situation and that is something that will get better with time, and much releasing on self hatred and distrust. That is something that is getting better in me daily….
     And speaking of releasing, as I mentioned I did listen to the second cd of SM a couple of days ago. I haven’t written a lot about it yet for a couple of reasons. The first being that I was still allowing all of the drama I created to be my main focus this week and also because once I did set everything aside and listened to the second cd I really wanted to explore it before saying anything. The cd starts by asking you first to make a list of the things that you are hoping to change/get from this course/method. I did make a list. I am not going to share with you everything on the list some of the items are really quite personal and I may at some point share them with you Reader but for now here are some of the things that I put on the list that I would like to either change or manifest in my life by using The Sedona Method…
Be a stronger person
Love myself
Be more loving with others
Financial independence/Profession/Business(s)
Be more Calm/ Less afraid
Finish writing a book(s)
Trust myself
     The list is actually a bit longer but like I said a few of the things I am just going to hold to myself a tiny bit, for now. Most of the things on the list are actually things that I am gaining more of daily. Self love, trust, strength. I have more room to grow, but that is going to be true till the day I leave this planet, and the thing is I am making an effort to bring all of these things in to reality. I am also releasing about them constantly. Just the act of welcoming my feelings and thoughts, a process so foreign to me a couple of weeks ago has become almost second nature to me. Every time (nearly) I start to feel badly or negatively I remember I have another option. I don’t have to be a slave to that feeling. Its not me, its not a reflection of me. It just is. I don’t have to keep it. Some times I can really picture myself inside this body flinging open a set of shutters on a window letting the emotions pass thru like a breeze, and I lift my face to feel it go by, to experience that which is passing thru me, but is not me. In this cd and in the workbook Hale explains that there are many times in your life where you have been forced by circumstance to let things go, and that it is really a natural ability that we forget over time as we learn to interact with the world around us. That is very similar to what Bob Proctor says in his videos about paradigms. These teachers from The Secret movie are pretty smart guys. I feel very blessed to have attracted this into my life when I did. I am so grateful.
     A lot of the second cd focused on rejection, rejection of the feelings and rejection of self. I have to say, that is me all over the place. There is very little about me that I haven’t rejected in some way or another in my life. I like that Hale explains that rejection is just another emotion. Just another thing I can let go if I choose to, yeah, I choose to. In the second cd Hale really goes over how problems in your life are really just appearances, that once you release the energy, once you let go of what ever you perceive to be your problems they will right themselves. Its our focus on them, our attempt to fix them that makes them real. And really… how can you beat yourself up for shit that isn’t even really there unless you make it be. Expression and repression are such a part of all our lives that we constantly use them to make problems real. To infuse them with a sense of importance, when the real importance is happening below the feelings the real you is in the spaces where that problem doesn’t exist. And that you is smiling at how funny you are making everything all dramatic. There is this line in cd 2 where Hale says “Tell your mind to look for trouble and it will find it.” I am always looking for trouble. I have been trying to exist in the spaces between. The spaces where all of my molecules are vibrating to create this body. I am living in there somewhere and I am trying to just be there. Just exist. To explore that nothing/everything that is me.
     I am noticing more and more where I used to have physical manifestations of my constant battle with my emotions, and myself. My shoulders, they have gotten much looser. My back doesn’t hurt like it used to, and in my throat I would always have this strangled feeling which has been stubbornly hanging on but is lessening with every release. I am also crying so much less. So much less. And when I do cry it seems more like a cleansing and less like a defeat. I am having less instances of panic and anxiety as well. I am feeling more light and bouncy when I am walking and I am laughing and smiling lot more. I have been looking forward to the rest of my life more like an adventure and less like a chore and that is something that gives me tremendous relief. I was for a long time wondering how I could possibly make it thru another thirty or forty years of this crap and then came the movie The Secret that started me on this journey. I am so happy to be on this path, and I am thrilled you have joined me Reader. Thank You. I am so grateful for this journey, and I am so grateful for you.     
     I have had some new neighbors for a few weeks, they have seemed like really sweet people since the first day they moved in. We have been friendly with each other since day one, and over the last few days we have started talking more and more, they are just really down to earth sweet people who are interesting and lovely to talk to. I am enjoying the budding friendship with them, we have much in common including The Secret, and an openness and willingness to explore life. It was really awesome to be able to talk to people about what I am doing and experiencing with out sensing the inner eye roll. You know what I mean Reader. You are all excited about something and you tell a loved one and you can tell just by how they are nodding and smiling that inside they are really rolling their eyes.
I will be listing to cd 3 tonight, more to follow for sure!
Jammy
　
　
　

As best you can

     So Reader, I decided to just take the bull by the horns and start over with SM from disc one, and page one in the book. I know that Hale said not to do that, but I am going to assume he meant that based on the assumption that I did indeed listen fully and do the workbook exercises. I didn’t give it the full attention that I should have and therefore I want to go back and do that now. I know from the movie that the releasing is only part of it, and I have gotten better at opening and allowing my emotions to go thru me, but a couple of the cds are really specific and touch on things that I think we all struggle with in our lives I know I do, so I really want to make sure I have done the work before I move on. I am reading the beginning parts of the workbook now that you read prior to starting to listen to the first cd. I love this one part in the book where is says they suggest that you don’t just believe anything that they say in the book, cds or program in general. They want you to only remain open to discovery so you can prove or disprove the validity of the program yourself. Reading that and hearing him say it on the cd, was really freeing for me. I love that its here for me to experience and if I put the effort into it that I should the proof will be in the putting.
    
     The first cd really is of course designed to familiarize you with the method the original creator of it Mr. Lester Levenson, and to introduce you to the four ways of letting go. First, Drop it. Yep just drop it baby. Two, welcome it just let it be in the moment, third is to dive into the core of it I love the diving into the core one. I can really picture doing that in my mind. And four holistic releasing which is just to really examine any emotion/problem from all sides and to accept the opposites to it and let them both go.

     When you are releasing Hale calls that processes and so the first process he has you do in the cd is really not about your emotions at all but about showing you that they are indeed not part of you. He does this by asking you to pick up an object in your hand. A pen a coin a pebble. Just something you wont mind letting go of. Hold that tightly in your hand. Feel in there. If you hold it tight enough it starts to feel at first uncomfortable but then familiar. Like your emotions. Now open your hand and let the object roll around in your hand. Is that attached to you? Is it part of you? Of course not, and neither are your emotions. Now hold the object out in front of you and grip it again. Turn your hand over and … Drop It! That is releasing in a nutshell. When you do this with a problem or an emotion it’s the process of letting it go and so you begin be just allowing or welcoming, as best you can, and then you ask yourself the releasing questions.

Could you (I) let it go?    This only means are you able to, and as Hale says if you could drop the pen you are able
Would you (I) let it go    This means are you willing to? And really does it feel good not to?
When?                           Simply an invitation to allow yourself to do it now

     Now for the first two questions the only real answers are yes and no, but the last one a lot of times you are want to put conditions on which he goes over and that’s okay. You are really just opening and by doing so you are letting in your need or desire to control the situation by attaching conditions. Welcome and release that too and see if the when answer changes. If your answers to the first two are no you probably aren’t being completely honest with yourself and need to do some more welcoming of wanting to control it. That’s my struggle a bit to. I want to control how everything works and part of that is to want answers that I cant have so by asking for those answers I can justify waiting
     On the first process that he did with us (us? Lol I feel like I am in the live class listening to the cds so if I say us you will know I mean the class) I pictured myself diving into the core of the emotions/problem as he asked when. As I pictured letting go I could picture me diving into that emotion and dissipating it with the force the rings that radiated out from my point of entry. It was really pretty powerful imagery. The thing I chose to focus on was my self hatred. There is a pretty big pool of that so it seemed like a safe dive, but just like Hale explains in the workbook any emotion you are feeling is no deeper than the surface of a bubble. Touch it and it bursts. That is not to say that one releasing has left me over flowing with self love but I am feeling lighter and more accepting of myself in this moment, and it feels good. Hale wants us to release that too, I admit to reluctance. I don’t feel good about myself often and letting it go is a bit counter intuitive. However if I am going to explore this process fully I must listen and let go.
     I have more thoughts flowing thru my head right now but I cant really get them to settle. I think I will be at least going thru the second cd today so I may even post again later but I think I need to leave it here for now Reader.
Thanks for riding along
J

     Before I finish completely I wanted to say that I have been wanting very much to talk about the drama last week, I have really been stopping myself. Releasing on it constantly has helped with that. The main reasons I dont is that the person(s) I am avoiding has suddenly begun to read this blog and they frankly have had enough fun at my expense, and secondly cause alot of my friends who are indirectly involved read this blog as well and not only do I  not want them to think I am whining or using my blog to ask for attention or support, or to get them to choose (me) my side. Anything I say now just feels like a big ole Be My Friend banner over my head. Thats kinda what got me in this mess in the first place now isnt it? I am thinking self hate was a great place to start over on SM

Cya soon. J

Scattered Thoughts.

     I started the fifth and sixth CDs of SM a couple of days ago. At the beginning Hale says to remember to be easy on yourself that you have a lifetime of practice at suppression and expression, and boy do I! The over all feeling of the two discs was control, whether controlling or wanting to be controlled, and approval and disapproval. I definitely have some work to do in both of those areas. I like how the method really attacks everything from both sides. If you want control then how do you want to be controlled in the situation? If you are looking for approval how are you looking for disapproval as well? And maybe not every issue has a two side thing but really if you think about it most probably do. I really started to think about this thing I have been going thru this last week that I haven’t really explained. I am not going to exactly but I will say that I have the feelings that are definitely feelings going both ways for me. I really wish someone would just tell me what to do and then make me do it. That is not likely to happen and even if someone tried it would I really listen? Or would I just try to protect the feelings I have, protect my way of doing things? I really don’t think I listened as much as I should have. I am preoccupied. These two CDs deserve more than this small paragraph, I know. I am having a hard time focusing on them though I think partially because they are very close to what I need to be working on the most and part of me is resisting that. I really used these two CDs to help me start to understand what it is about me that created my situation this week. That is the only way for me to not create it again. I think I need to give these two CDs more attention.
     When I was a kid the way that I would study things… almost anything in fact was to read about it then write down what I had learned over and over and over again till I had remembered it. It was very effective for me at the time. It came to me the other day when I was trying to come up with a mantra about money, and thinking about the I love you exercise given to me by Arash, that I needed a way to make it seem more meaningful to me than just saying it over and over. I remember thinking why am I not studying this? If it worked for me when I was learning my way thru the school as a child why can it not work for me now? Since then I have been writing my mantras down repeatedly all day as often as I am able, and I sing them in the car. The one I am using about money right now is actually a combo of two things I heard in the movie The Secret. Bob Proctor said you might want to write down what you are grateful for and you might begin by saying I am so happy and grateful now that, I love the way that sounds and feels when I say it so I use that. I also remember Laura Langemeier say in the movie that she changed the way she thought about money from you have to work hard for money, to money comes easily and frequently. I like that too. So what I did was make my own version of that. I have to do something to change my attitude toward money so what I write down everyday as many times as I am able is this: I am so happy and grateful now that I receive money easily and frequently thru multiple sources. Since I am having a hard time with it I have also started writing every day as well: I love you Jammy. I would imagine that if the recycling guy took the time to look at all these closely written pages he would think I am nuts. I also read something recently from Magnus at tapping.com. He said, “Right now, I think the most important mission for spiritual people is to move the control of the money on the planet, from the 'darkness' into the 'light'.” When I read that it was very powerful for me, it really made me see my relationship with money in a new way. Why if I did something that made me a lot of money would that necessarily mean that I would have to be a bad person who takes advantage of others? It would not. I have to remember that, or maybe learn it would be more accurate. Magnus sent me a letter today (not just me lol) and it was about a money tap he made for us if you would like to use it to help attract more money in your life or to change your attitude toward money just let me know I will forward you the email or post the tap here in the comments. Let me know. Also his website. Go there. Lots of amazing videos to help get you started on tapping.
     I keep thinking that I need to just stop where I am in SM and start at the beginning again, Hale says over and over not to do that. H says that you just need to experience it all first then go back and focus where you need to. Not to get bogged down in one particular part, but I haven’t just sat here and done every exercise and opened the workbook and really done it the way it should be done. Not to discount that I have been very present during the listening and have done many of the exercises and am working on them actively every day, but I feel like maybe I haven’t given it (myself) the attention it deserved. Maybe? And is it really myself I am not paying attention to. Is it myself trying desperately to cling to my old ways of being?This blog entry seems very scattered to me, I cant seem to get my thoughts sorted out. I am stopping now. I will think about how I am going to proceed in SM today and then either move on or start over, but either way I will be writing about it, so check back Reader.

XOXO Jammy

I know its been a few days but...

I play world of warcraft, I had to stop playing and leave my guild the other day.
     I know that my friends don’t understand why it was necessary for me to back off from the group that we all belong to, and I do wish that I was able to explain it to them, but for myself and for the good of the group whether I am in it or not, I wont talk about it. That is something that is really difficult for me as I am in a lot of pain right now. I need my friends support so much, and because I cant allow this to tear the group apart I can’t talk about it. I am sure I have been cast in the role of the bad guy, the unreasonable one, and I will gladly accept that if it means that the family I helped to created stays strong. I am lost and lonely without them. I miss them so much. I wish that I could just pretend that I have not been made to feel like a complete idiot by what amounts to a couple of kids but I can not, and so I have to just step back. I am beyond hurt and embarrassed by what happened and I can not share this with anyone. I cant control the story they will tell but I can keep my own council, I only regret that it requires me to lose that which I hold dear.
     I know they (my guild members) are mad at me, and I think a couple of them have decided to stop being my friend and I guess that is something I will have to live with. I did what I had to do for myself, I wish I was able to explain it better but I am not, I had hoped that my worth as a friend wasn’t predicated on my being in, or the work I did for the guild, or playing the game that brought us together, and for a few I think that may be true but only time will tell and I will have to accept what happens because I can not, will not, allow myself to be used the way I was for what can only be personal enjoyment again no matter who it’s for. I am going to get past this. I am using the SM (Sedona method) constantly to release my feelings about it. It has made it easier but its still hurts.
     I was working on a blog post when this happened and I am still but its hit a snag. I will get one up in the next day or two Reader I promise.
Thanks for sticking with me Reader it means a lot to me. J

Super Excited

     So that movie I watched the other day, Letting Go. I have been extremely curious about The Sedona Method since I viewed the movie the first time, because the triple welcoming releasing technique is only a part of the actual method, and I now have the Cd's and the workbook am super stoked up about it! You can be sure reader that I will bring to you in this blog the journey in its entirety. I know that I have already found so much help with just the welcoming technique and so I am really excited to find out the rest and hope that it will indeed be helped even more by what I am about to undertake. I am really open to it. I am so grateful to be manifesting in my life all the things I am learning,  and all the ways I am growing. I am very excited by the idea of even more clarity, even greater understanding and accepting of self. I hope that the journey ahead inspires you dear Reader to be the you that you are.

     Re-reading my prior post, it occurred to me that where as I have mentioned that I have some negative friends in my life, I have neglected to mention that I have a some friends that are so amazing, and so supportive of me and all that I am doing. In the crazy emotionally pothole ridden road that I am on in my journey to wholeness, it can be easy to over look the people that make that road a bearable one to navigate, and I want to express that I am indeed profoundly grateful to be gifted with such amazing friends. Thank you... My deepest love and appreciation.
xoxo J

Trip, Stumble, Fall... hard

For along time my sense of self worth has been tied into my importance to others, I would imagine that has become evident if you have read my past blogs. I am working on changing that, but it becomes increasingly clear that I do indeed still have some work to do there. Being incredibly stupid… not helping. I place far too much importance on relationships with people who are unable or unwilling to return the favor. I know this. I am not sure how this works though, as I gain more and more love and respect for myself, how will I interact with the people in my life that I have attracted to me that while I do love, I have obviously taught to treat me with disregard and a general lack of consideration? Arash the life coach I spoke with told me that I need to not worry about it because its not my business, they will respect my journey or not and its not for me to worry about, and I suppose to a certain extent that is true, it’s a scary thought. I try to be really open with my friends, the people I choose for my family, I don’t want to but I think I really have to just maybe stop doing that so much. At least until I am able to really get myself in a good place where I am healed and stronger. Where my love for myself is a cushion between me and the insensitivities of people who love (?) me, and trust that as I treat myself better I will attract people to me that will also treat me with kindness and respect. Some times its hard to understand where such inconsideration could come from when its so alien a thing from what you yourself are. I know the fact that I even wish for love from outside of myself means I am still on a road to finding myself and what I need me to be for me. I am trying so hard to release this need for outside sources of acceptance and love. I am, but damn is a little support really so much to ask for? And I feel so stupid for wishing that the ones I loved understood how much I love them, how much I needed them right now in this journey I am undertaking, or needed me in their lives as much as I need them to be in mine. I get so used to that connection and I wish I didn’t. It hurts a lot when you become aware that you aren’t as essential to someone(s) as they are to you. I will find a way to release the importance of that in my life somehow. I suppose even if its only for self preservation, but really I don’t want to stop loving people as much as I do I would prefer to love me just as much. How do you manage to love people and it not be too much? Maybe what I am supposed to do is just love myself and forsake all the rest for now, I cant imagine even trusting myself to choose a mate, when I am still choosing friends who can’t refrain from treating me like some park trick. I am going to get this right I know that I will but the process is ongoing and I am so tired of being less than, and knowing that I am the one that did it to myself, it certainly doesn’t make any of this easier to accept. Damn it I am so fucking mad at me right now!

     I am starting to read the Sedona Method stuff tonight so I will be blogging on that in the next day or two.
J

Learning new ways everyday.

     So I have had a pretty emotionally charged few days since last I posted, Reader. Wednesday, I was nervous all day thinking about the phone call I was to have later that evening with Arash one of Bob Proctors personal coaches. It was something Bob had offered to me free and I was excited but very nervous too. Of course that was just silly, which I came to realize pretty quickly. Arash was a very kind to me and very gentle with me. He and I talked about my current situation and about some of the goals I would like to have put in place by this time next year but most importantly he asked me some things that really had me thinking. First thing I remember him saying to me was, if I could imagine being extremely confident what would it look like, he also asked me if it was possible that the “truths” I believed about myself were in fact someone else’s lies. That really got me thinking. He also gave me a couple of exercises to do, one where I am supposed to tell myself I love you everyday for 90 days, in the mirror for a few minutes. I swear when he said that I lost my breath because the thought of it was so completely foreign to me. I started to cry. I couldn’t help it, but I just kept it quiet. He also told me to make a list of 20 things I do and don’t like about me. Burn the one I don’t like and keep the one I do and look at it every day. Keep it with me. I am still working on making that list but I have it started. I also that night watched a movie. The movie is called Letting Go, its about the Sedona Method of releasing emotion and freeing yourself. Its by one of the secret teachers Hale Dwoskin. All I can say is WOW. It really is pretty simple and powerful stuff. It’s omg  really stupid how easy this is, and why didn’t I think of this way to just let shit go, and its really working for me even more than tapping has been helping, which is significant. I think I may end up with a combo of the two but, I am really working with this welcoming technique I learned from the movie. A very simple welcoming technique. It makes a lot of sense to me in that it’s the exact opposite of what I am doing now which is to just harbor the hurt and emotion, the bad and incorrect ways I think about myself. The technique is simply to welcome the emotions, the thoughts the memories, to open yourself up and let them flow to you like a river. Invite them in, welcome them, welcome the feelings that you have to change it or control it or that it even has anything at all to do with you, and then simply ask yourself if you like the way it feels. NO? Well then, could you let it go? Would you let it go? When? I am sure the answers to those questions are pretty clear. All I can say is this has really has opened me up a lot to being able to deal with the emotions I have, both past and present, and to be able to release them fast. Every time I release something I feel like I have uncovered something of me that has been buried and hidden by what was just let go, I also imagine it like I am my apartment. And that life is a cross breeze and emotions, and experiences are carried on that cross breeze that runs thru my open windows. I can feel the breeze the breeze can blow my curtains maybe even knock over a lamp, or blow my hair, but that breeze is not me. Its just something I experience as it flows thru me but when its gone its gone. I am still there, maybe wiser from the experience but still just me. Nothing more, nothing less, and that is just perfectly perfect as it is. WOW. Seriously I would recommend watching the movie its freaking amazing! I also found a workbook for it online and am gonna check that out too, you know I will bring you what I find out.

     Thursday, I woke up feeling pretty raw from the phone call with Arash, and watching the movie Letting Go, I was also feeling particularly emotional because I had felt really left out the night before when some friends of mine chose to do something that didn’t include me. I shouldn’t have felt bad about it but I did and so that is that. I kind of acted like a jerk about it even while admitting that I was being a jerk. lol So funny. Well anyway when I got up it all worked itself out mostly because I came to the decision (thru releasing) to stop caring about it. Its kinda funny cause the situation hasn’t changed, I am totally being blown off, and I am sure that my friend thinks I am too dumb to realize he is blowing me off, like tonight (Saturday) he asked me to do something in game (WoW), so even though I was kinda doing something else I said yes, because I had been looking forward to playing with him for two days, then after I logged into the game he kept me waiting for over two hours, then blew me off to go chill with our other friend, the one that he keeps blowing me off for, and didn’t even have the consideration to tell me that I was wasting my time waiting for him. Later he even wanted me to drop everything for him again cause our other friend went to bed and he had time for me now… I just started laughing. I already spent some time releasing my irritation with him after I figured out what was up, so the game he is trying to play is just funny to me at this point, that doesn’t mean I am going to keep letting him do it to me, he must think I am an idiot or something. It doesn’t actually matter, because I just don’t care about it anymore. Not that I don’t care about him. That’s not the case in any way. I absolutely adore him and I am sure we will be friends forever, and its just fine for him to chose to spend time with a mutual friend over me, it is not however very nice to be so inconsiderate. When he tried to get me to come back and talk to him later on that night after our friend went to bed I told him I was too busy had wasted enough time waiting for him today and wasn’t going to drop everything for him again. I didn’t get mad I wasn’t emotional, it felt good to just mean what I say and be done with it. I feel really proud about how well I was about to process my irritation and not let it grow out of proportion or turn into anything worse. I feel really strong. I used to always feel like if I could just somehow give everyone I cared about the absolute most love I had in me that I would find it reflected back to me. That they would feel that love and want to return it to me… I really thought that the love I needed was going to come to me that way. I actually believed that the reason that people didn’t love me enough for me to feel secure was my fault. That if I could just love them more then I would feel from them the acceptance and love that I needed to feel complete and whole. That fully boggles my mind to contemplate thinking that way now. I literally feel like I just met myself. Like I just saw me for the first time. I think I might like this girl. She is interesting and funny, she is smart and curious. She is me. I can not describe to you how this feels. I am literally vibrating with joy. Its like I am becoming purely me in a way I haven’t been since the moment of my birth. I am so grateful to feel so overflowing with goodness, love, intentions, ideas, and to be ME. Oh my God, I am me.

I have  plenty more to say but I am tired so this is it for now Reader. More Soon. J

Love, Guilt and LoA

     So last post I was having a pretty good fight with a friend and I want to touch on that quickly to say we have worked it out, he and I spoke and decided to not fight again and really I don’t think we will but mostly because I am just not going to put myself back in the position to be hurt again. I have this irritating tendency to just freely allow myself to love people and when I do I love them the whole way. I don’t skimp out on it. But that can lead to bruised feelings, when it becomes apparent that you are not actually loved in the same way. I want very much to love freely and it not be too much but I just haven’t reached that level of enlightenment yet. When I am faced with the bitter truth that I am not as important to someone as they are to me, it hurts. Ah well I am still learning after all, I will figure it out, but how do I keep loving freely with out destroying who I am? If I am supposed to love everyone as I love myself. Where does the love for me come in? When do I deserve that? Well like I said I am still learning. I guess that I need the love of others means I am not quite good enough at all of this yet. Damn it! Its really hard. Do I learn to just live with less love then I give or do I stop loving period? Do I look for more loving people and just stop offering my love to the people who don’t value me? Crap! I know that the love I am not getting from those around me is love that I am not giving myself. I know that. Its just really hard to start loving myself. I don’t know where to find it sometimes. Then other times it feels so real and easy to access. I don’t want to feel like I don’t matter, and all too often that is exactly how I do feel, and knowing that that comes from me is difficult to deal with. As I tap my emotions are getting easier to understand but my need for love isn’t any lessened. I am able to play with my emotions like I never have before and yet I cant seem to break off a piece of the love.

     It really is crazy miraculous for me how just when I need it the universe thru the LoA sends me exactly what I need to keep going. I have really been asking how I have managed to use the LoA to receive all of this amazing information but I still cant manage to attract to myself that which I need to improve my situation. Today I got a really awesome answer to that question from my good buddy and Secret teacher Bob Proctor. I really love that guy. I would totally marry him. So let me lay it out for you. I had gotten these videos from Bob awhile back and somehow I accidentally deleted them and didn’t realize till it was too late, and I kept meaning to go back to the site and try to find them, but I got busy with some things and so I never did. Well going thru email the other day I found one from Bob and so I decided to go to the site and rather than just look for them I would use my gmail addy and have him send them again and thankfully he did. I just got done watching them and once again I get an answer I am looking for. Bob explained to me a bit about how you get your paradigm and how you can reprogram it. Its crazy how this shit just works. I ask and I get. It doesn’t matter what it is. Mostly it has been a flood of information, starting with the movie The Secret and ending, well never I guess, but not only that, like with the stuff from the state of California wasn’t supposed to come for another month. I just kept saying over and over I need it now I need it now I need it now. It came Saturday. Now as for Bob’s message. It was so on target to what I asked the universe for like three days before. I struggle with feelings of guilt that are way out of proportion to anything I have ever done to anyone, I haven’t really been a malicious person in my life, I have of course made mistakes and I know I have hurt peoples feelings but not usually on purpose, I am not abusive to people I try to be loving and accepting as much as possible. Yet I constantly feel guilty about even the tiniest things or even for caring about myself in even the smallest ways, and I just figured out why, with the help of Bob. He explains in these videos that I watched how before you are born and after you have only your subconscious brain and your conscious brain develops thought as you grow, your subconscious brain is absorbing your surroundings and using that to tell you how to feel about yourself and your world. When I was born my mother and father were not married because my mother had just abandoned her other family (husband and five kids) then proceeded to have another family with my dad. I can only imagine how guilty she must have felt about that. So then if what Bob is saying is true, all of that guilt she felt went directly into my brain and taught me to be guilty. This is pretty much the same things I saw that those doctors and scientists say on the zeitgeist films talk about, how our environment in large determines who and what we are how we feel and what we think and even if we are sick or fat or nice or mean. How you can have a predisposition to something but your environment can turn it on in you. Its scary how much you pick for your kids who they are and you don’t even know it. He kindly explained how to help change your paradigm too. I would highly recommend going to his site and signing up for his newsletters and videos, he has a lot of great information to share.

I am gonna leave it there for now Reader. I have a few more things to say but I cant gather my thoughts about them and so I will post this and be back with you soon.  J

Well this kinda sucks.

     I haven’t posted a blog in a few days (I posted two today to catch up!) because I have this friend, and he and I recently had a fight. Well I am not sure that fight is the correct word here, but lets go with it shall we? Now I do want to start off by saying I admit that in the beginning it was all me, I had feelings that were not suited to the situation but, that’s not how it ended up. My friend is sweet, lonely, depressed and someone who I know would love to be with someone and who happens to be in love with another friend of ours. I could tell and was kinda teasing him but also her and saying they should get married. I was half teasing half serious I think they both knew it. They are sweet and cute and I could see them as a couple so sue me. Also knowing he has feelings for her made it pretty easy to want to help make it happen. So they were gonna watch a movie and hang out in vent (a program we use to talk to each other in games) and invited me along I told them I would come back and watch after I went to the store and so when I got home I popped into the vent channel to watch but I got the feeling fast I was intruding so I asked my friend in messenger if I was, and were they were having a vent date he said kinda and I made an excuse and ducked out. I am used to hanging out with forum most evenings in vent so so I admit I felt kinda left out and sad, especially since I had been originally included so I felt kinda dropped, but I used tapping to ease that since it was kinda silly, emotions don’t have to make sense they just are, you use them to figure yourself out. I am getting that now. Well then he sends me a message later saying she was gone and so I asked him about the “vent date” in messenger, and he just started to troll me, and that made me mad, I hate it when he does that it feels like he is making fun of me. In this instance it felt like I was being treated like I wasn’t good enough to share anything real with me (which I guess turned out to be more true than I thought) it was obvious that he didn’t want to tell me, and that fucking stung. So I ended up leaving vent pissed off at him. I was really angry because my feelings were hurt, and I should have just said that, instead of allowing myself to be that upset. Anyway I tapped about it and apologized for leaving vent mad, but I didn’t return to vent I stayed talking to him via messenger, I wasn’t really in the mood to talk, but I tried to explained why I was upset and that I shouldn’t have been but that didn’t excuse that I don’t like to be trolled and he needs to stop double talking me. I have asked him to stop and I guess the fact that he hasn’t is more indicative of his level of respect for me than I cared to admit.

     I also need to say that during my tapping session about the incident I had a realization that I had I overestimated our relationship, I overstepped and misinterpreted my place in that relationship. I thought I was one thing and realized I was something else. It stung a bit, and I told him that. I told him that I was sorry and that I wouldn’t do it again. I am pretty sure he took it in some weird way because then he proceeded to let me know in no uncertain terms that I am not trustworthy due to the fact that I constantly overreact about everything. He went on to point to everything in my blog from struggles with being too emotional due to my depression and bipolar disorder, to my search for enlightenment in my life, to my excitement over the ways I am trying to help myself, such as the secret and tapping and the zeitgeist movement. I cant even tell you how that felt like a hot poker to the heart. You can imagine that I basically felt at that point that I had I opened myself up to him shared myself in an honest and real way only to have that information used against me like a knife. Like it wasn’t already hard enough to realize your not as important to someone as you think you are, having it ground into me was a bit unnecessary, and I said so. I think I also said something along the lines of fuck you.

     Its actually kind of funny he refuses to look at what I am doing and then has the balls to mock it and me for trying to find a sense of peace in my life. That is just mind blowing from someone who professes to love me. I fully and completely admit that all of my emotions are not reasonable, but really, who’s are? I am however trying to take steps to make that better inside me and having one of my closest friends then take not only the darkness of my world but that I am trying to bring some light into it, and then use it to hurt me, just to avoid being real with me is just really hard to accept. I have been tapping about it all day and I am feeling much better about it, but that doesn’t change the fact that I thought I had something I never really had in the first place and that stings. I am going to keep tapping about that, about how much it stings to be so profoundly incorrect about something that I placed such importance on. I know I will get it put in the right place so I can move forward and attract to me the people that can accept me for who I am with out judging me for being too emotional or open to trying different ways to heal myself.

Thoughts from early this week.

     Today is Monday and after yesterdays session of self acceptance tapping I am still experiencing a feeling of well being and a sense of having released at least in part some of what has been blocking me from not only being myself , but also from trusting myself. I admit I do feel a bit shy with it, but the feeling is still there and very different from what I am used to, but it really does feel freaking great! I mean I see and feel real physical manifestations of my negative emotions clearing out of me. Just now I was sitting here and it all of a sudden occurred to me that I wasn’t sitting with my shoulders scrunched up and hard. That I was indeed just sitting relaxed and engaged in what I was doing not half paying attention to one thing, while the other part of me is berating myself over some imagined awfulness I am or have done or whatever. That is pretty nice. I am so happy to have found the tools that will allow me to never return to that place of self hatred and fear. I know I am getting stronger daily. I feel so much more alive and thrilled to be contemplating making some even bigger changes in my life. I think that writing this blog is part of all of the changes in me. It feels really great to be putting all of this down, to be offering my journey to you Reader, so that just maybe you will find a friend here, find a connection that leads you to a place that gives you the joy you are seeking in your life, the joy that I am finding in my life. I want that joy to be like a happy virus running out from this blog to “infect” everyone it touches with a bug called Joy! 

     Its pretty cool to me that rather than try to push my emotions back and trying to stop feeling them every time something pops up now, I just sort of start analyzing it and exploring it and deciding what to call it. I almost play with the emotion. I don’t run from it anymore. I just let it be. I just let it tell me what it is and if its not something I want to feel again I just pull out my new and shiny tool, Tapping and get rid of it for good. That is absolutely the opposite of what I have ever done before. I always just felt like such a victim to what was going on inside me not in control of it at all. Like I was just stuck with how I felt and nothing could change that. It is so awesome to have been wrong. Its even more awesome to know its okay to be wrong. I am gonna make mistakes sometimes and that’s just fine. I will make plenty of wonderful decisions and maybe an occasional mistake, but I will learn from it all, I am excited by the idea of it. 
    
      I cant stop thinking about this one sentence in the movie The Secret, when Lisa says, “Its not your job to change the world.” I think that is one of the only things about the movie that I disagree with. It is my job. Its your job. it’s a job that we do every day that we strive to be more than we were the day before. When we open ourselves up to Love and Joy in our lives we radiate that to everyone around us and make that part of the world a better place, but even more than that it opens you up to the knowledge of all the ways we are connected. Who did I assist in their journey today or yesterday or last week with my blogs or tweets or facebook links. Did I put an idea in someone’s mind or cause someone to think differently or see in their world a more beautiful place? I don’t know. But the possibility is there. The chance for a connection is there based on the love that I am giving to myself and there by radiating out to all who come in contact with me. I hope that if you are looking for answers or you are struggling to make sense of your world and are reading these words that they are radiating out to you the love I feel for you now. The love that resides inside you now. Use these tools that I have found to help you feel that love, that joy. If these tools aren’t the right ones for you then I hope that this is only one stop on your journey of self discovery and enlightenment. I hope this road leads you to the right tools for you to find within you all the things you need to be happy. Because I promise you now everything you need to feel good and to be filled with joy daily is already inside you. You may be a bit broken, you may have some emotions and experiences weighing you down, but once you clear out the hurt, and pain of old energy you will find a freer and happier you. Even as I write those words I realize that a couple of months ago reading that would have made me roll my eyes and say something like sure easy for you to say. But it is easy for me to say, simply because it is true. I am so grateful.

LOL Friendship

I talked to someone recently that I used to consider a friend of mine, a dear friend in fact. After chatting for a bit and getting caught up with what was going on with him and his hubby (who I used to consider my best friend) I was asked what was up with me, and I told him about what had been going on with me including that I had been diagnosed as a bi polar with a panic/anxiety disorder a couple of years back. And then he said something that will baffle me till the day I die. He told me, “Well we all did know something was going on with you but we didn’t know what.” Wow, Really? I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that. Because that basically means that people who Said that they loved me and cared for me could see that I was having a nervous breakdown (which I was btw) among other issues chose to just walk away from me rather than help me. Wow, Really? How is it possible that anyone could profess to love someone and see them so clearly in trouble and not help them. I don’t understand that type of thinking. I can understand if they had tried to help me and I wouldn’t take it. But there was no offer of assistance from them or any encouragement or moral support. None! Its stupid of me really to be surprised that people would act in such a callous cold hearted manner. It is in fact what we do, isn’t it? Anyway I guess what I got from the experience after reflection is the omission from my life of a couple of people who were never really my friends anyway. Pretty good deal I guess even though the price at the time seemed a bit high.