Love, Guilt and LoA

     So last post I was having a pretty good fight with a friend and I want to touch on that quickly to say we have worked it out, he and I spoke and decided to not fight again and really I don’t think we will but mostly because I am just not going to put myself back in the position to be hurt again. I have this irritating tendency to just freely allow myself to love people and when I do I love them the whole way. I don’t skimp out on it. But that can lead to bruised feelings, when it becomes apparent that you are not actually loved in the same way. I want very much to love freely and it not be too much but I just haven’t reached that level of enlightenment yet. When I am faced with the bitter truth that I am not as important to someone as they are to me, it hurts. Ah well I am still learning after all, I will figure it out, but how do I keep loving freely with out destroying who I am? If I am supposed to love everyone as I love myself. Where does the love for me come in? When do I deserve that? Well like I said I am still learning. I guess that I need the love of others means I am not quite good enough at all of this yet. Damn it! Its really hard. Do I learn to just live with less love then I give or do I stop loving period? Do I look for more loving people and just stop offering my love to the people who don’t value me? Crap! I know that the love I am not getting from those around me is love that I am not giving myself. I know that. Its just really hard to start loving myself. I don’t know where to find it sometimes. Then other times it feels so real and easy to access. I don’t want to feel like I don’t matter, and all too often that is exactly how I do feel, and knowing that that comes from me is difficult to deal with. As I tap my emotions are getting easier to understand but my need for love isn’t any lessened. I am able to play with my emotions like I never have before and yet I cant seem to break off a piece of the love.

     It really is crazy miraculous for me how just when I need it the universe thru the LoA sends me exactly what I need to keep going. I have really been asking how I have managed to use the LoA to receive all of this amazing information but I still cant manage to attract to myself that which I need to improve my situation. Today I got a really awesome answer to that question from my good buddy and Secret teacher Bob Proctor. I really love that guy. I would totally marry him. So let me lay it out for you. I had gotten these videos from Bob awhile back and somehow I accidentally deleted them and didn’t realize till it was too late, and I kept meaning to go back to the site and try to find them, but I got busy with some things and so I never did. Well going thru email the other day I found one from Bob and so I decided to go to the site and rather than just look for them I would use my gmail addy and have him send them again and thankfully he did. I just got done watching them and once again I get an answer I am looking for. Bob explained to me a bit about how you get your paradigm and how you can reprogram it. Its crazy how this shit just works. I ask and I get. It doesn’t matter what it is. Mostly it has been a flood of information, starting with the movie The Secret and ending, well never I guess, but not only that, like with the stuff from the state of California wasn’t supposed to come for another month. I just kept saying over and over I need it now I need it now I need it now. It came Saturday. Now as for Bob’s message. It was so on target to what I asked the universe for like three days before. I struggle with feelings of guilt that are way out of proportion to anything I have ever done to anyone, I haven’t really been a malicious person in my life, I have of course made mistakes and I know I have hurt peoples feelings but not usually on purpose, I am not abusive to people I try to be loving and accepting as much as possible. Yet I constantly feel guilty about even the tiniest things or even for caring about myself in even the smallest ways, and I just figured out why, with the help of Bob. He explains in these videos that I watched how before you are born and after you have only your subconscious brain and your conscious brain develops thought as you grow, your subconscious brain is absorbing your surroundings and using that to tell you how to feel about yourself and your world. When I was born my mother and father were not married because my mother had just abandoned her other family (husband and five kids) then proceeded to have another family with my dad. I can only imagine how guilty she must have felt about that. So then if what Bob is saying is true, all of that guilt she felt went directly into my brain and taught me to be guilty. This is pretty much the same things I saw that those doctors and scientists say on the zeitgeist films talk about, how our environment in large determines who and what we are how we feel and what we think and even if we are sick or fat or nice or mean. How you can have a predisposition to something but your environment can turn it on in you. Its scary how much you pick for your kids who they are and you don’t even know it. He kindly explained how to help change your paradigm too. I would highly recommend going to his site and signing up for his newsletters and videos, he has a lot of great information to share.

I am gonna leave it there for now Reader. I have a few more things to say but I cant gather my thoughts about them and so I will post this and be back with you soon.  J

Well this kinda sucks.

     I haven’t posted a blog in a few days (I posted two today to catch up!) because I have this friend, and he and I recently had a fight. Well I am not sure that fight is the correct word here, but lets go with it shall we? Now I do want to start off by saying I admit that in the beginning it was all me, I had feelings that were not suited to the situation but, that’s not how it ended up. My friend is sweet, lonely, depressed and someone who I know would love to be with someone and who happens to be in love with another friend of ours. I could tell and was kinda teasing him but also her and saying they should get married. I was half teasing half serious I think they both knew it. They are sweet and cute and I could see them as a couple so sue me. Also knowing he has feelings for her made it pretty easy to want to help make it happen. So they were gonna watch a movie and hang out in vent (a program we use to talk to each other in games) and invited me along I told them I would come back and watch after I went to the store and so when I got home I popped into the vent channel to watch but I got the feeling fast I was intruding so I asked my friend in messenger if I was, and were they were having a vent date he said kinda and I made an excuse and ducked out. I am used to hanging out with forum most evenings in vent so so I admit I felt kinda left out and sad, especially since I had been originally included so I felt kinda dropped, but I used tapping to ease that since it was kinda silly, emotions don’t have to make sense they just are, you use them to figure yourself out. I am getting that now. Well then he sends me a message later saying she was gone and so I asked him about the “vent date” in messenger, and he just started to troll me, and that made me mad, I hate it when he does that it feels like he is making fun of me. In this instance it felt like I was being treated like I wasn’t good enough to share anything real with me (which I guess turned out to be more true than I thought) it was obvious that he didn’t want to tell me, and that fucking stung. So I ended up leaving vent pissed off at him. I was really angry because my feelings were hurt, and I should have just said that, instead of allowing myself to be that upset. Anyway I tapped about it and apologized for leaving vent mad, but I didn’t return to vent I stayed talking to him via messenger, I wasn’t really in the mood to talk, but I tried to explained why I was upset and that I shouldn’t have been but that didn’t excuse that I don’t like to be trolled and he needs to stop double talking me. I have asked him to stop and I guess the fact that he hasn’t is more indicative of his level of respect for me than I cared to admit.

     I also need to say that during my tapping session about the incident I had a realization that I had I overestimated our relationship, I overstepped and misinterpreted my place in that relationship. I thought I was one thing and realized I was something else. It stung a bit, and I told him that. I told him that I was sorry and that I wouldn’t do it again. I am pretty sure he took it in some weird way because then he proceeded to let me know in no uncertain terms that I am not trustworthy due to the fact that I constantly overreact about everything. He went on to point to everything in my blog from struggles with being too emotional due to my depression and bipolar disorder, to my search for enlightenment in my life, to my excitement over the ways I am trying to help myself, such as the secret and tapping and the zeitgeist movement. I cant even tell you how that felt like a hot poker to the heart. You can imagine that I basically felt at that point that I had I opened myself up to him shared myself in an honest and real way only to have that information used against me like a knife. Like it wasn’t already hard enough to realize your not as important to someone as you think you are, having it ground into me was a bit unnecessary, and I said so. I think I also said something along the lines of fuck you.

     Its actually kind of funny he refuses to look at what I am doing and then has the balls to mock it and me for trying to find a sense of peace in my life. That is just mind blowing from someone who professes to love me. I fully and completely admit that all of my emotions are not reasonable, but really, who’s are? I am however trying to take steps to make that better inside me and having one of my closest friends then take not only the darkness of my world but that I am trying to bring some light into it, and then use it to hurt me, just to avoid being real with me is just really hard to accept. I have been tapping about it all day and I am feeling much better about it, but that doesn’t change the fact that I thought I had something I never really had in the first place and that stings. I am going to keep tapping about that, about how much it stings to be so profoundly incorrect about something that I placed such importance on. I know I will get it put in the right place so I can move forward and attract to me the people that can accept me for who I am with out judging me for being too emotional or open to trying different ways to heal myself.