Thursday, January 20, 2011

LOL Friendship

I talked to someone recently that I used to consider a friend of mine, a dear friend in fact. After chatting for a bit and getting caught up with what was going on with him and his hubby (who I used to consider my best friend) I was asked what was up with me, and I told him about what had been going on with me including that I had been diagnosed as a bi polar with a panic/anxiety disorder a couple of years back. And then he said something that will baffle me till the day I die. He told me, “Well we all did know something was going on with you but we didn’t know what.” Wow, Really? I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that. Because that basically means that people who Said that they loved me and cared for me could see that I was having a nervous breakdown (which I was btw) among other issues chose to just walk away from me rather than help me. Wow, Really? How is it possible that anyone could profess to love someone and see them so clearly in trouble and not help them. I don’t understand that type of thinking. I can understand if they had tried to help me and I wouldn’t take it. But there was no offer of assistance from them or any encouragement or moral support. None! Its stupid of me really to be surprised that people would act in such a callous cold hearted manner. It is in fact what we do, isn’t it? Anyway I guess what I got from the experience after reflection is the omission from my life of a couple of people who were never really my friends anyway. Pretty good deal I guess even though the price at the time seemed a bit high.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


So as I may have mentioned in the past I quit smoking in the recent past. Not my first try. I have quit a couple of times before, once for a year once a bit longer. I do hope this is the last time i quit. but OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN I WANT TO SMOKE SO BADLY! I cant begin to explain how much I want for their to be no consequence to smoking for me. That is not the case. I could feel in side my body the real physical effects of what cigarettes were doing to me and still it took me years to consider quitting and this is my third time trying. I am ashamed of the hold that Cigarettes have held over me in my life. Not to say it was entirely my own fault  I was raised to smoke in a huge family of smokers in a house with chain smoking parents with so little regard for their children's health that my own mother had her children light her cigarettes for her... wonder how I became addicted to one of the most addictive substances known to man. lol I think that deck was not stacked in my favor. but this is not a blog of self pity or recrimination for my parents. It is a Blog of Hope and Strength, and Fighting! Fighting for my freedom from smoking from this addiction that has ruled my life stolen my years and eaten my money. Good Luck to anyone who tries to quit. My prayers are with you and I lend you my strength as I hope you have lent me yours. Jammy