Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Keep Moving!

     I haven’t been able since doing the processes on cd three yesterday afternoon to kick some of the things that it brought up in me. I know I need to move on in the series go to cd four and not forget about it or anything, but keep the momentum flowing forward. I am struggling with it. The sense of who the fuck do you think you are is so strong in me today I am shaking with it. I just cant seem to release the feeling inside me that I need to be quashed, stopped, not allowed to keep exploring this avenue that is bringing to me so much enlightenment of self. That somehow what I am is so damaged, or insignificant that my wanting to be more is somehow an affront to everything else that is. Even as I write this I can see the ridiculousness and truth in the statement. The truth is that it is exactly how I feel about myself and weather or not its been taught to me externally or something intrinsically me, there it is. The ridiculousness of it is simply who in the hell am I to let down not only myself, but God, and everyone else that I could be helping if I wasn’t wallowing in my own self indulgent stupidity. Not to mention the constant judgment of myself which I guess if I look at this posting objectively that is exactly what I am doing today, and need to stop right now.
     I know all of this is just me trying to fit back into that groove I was so used to existing in, that in many ways the new places I am going in myself and exploring outside of me as well are wonderfully exciting and terrifying in equal measure. Alternating and flickering on and off inside me at exhilarating speeds. I can barely keep up with any of it. I guess the point is to not try. To just open up and let it flow.
     Just writing this down for you Reader has helped me tremendously to center and calm the thoughts and emotions swirling inside me so that now I think I am able to sit still for a minute and release it. I think a chakra clearing might be in order as well. Ya think? Then maybe its time for a cd. I am learning Reader, thanks for tagging along on the ride!


Still Exploring!

     I start this cold dreary day with those precise emotions inside me as well. Tears greet my eyes upon waking, and I know not why. I feel particularly broken today. God, please tell me I am not to broken to fix. Please.
     I very nearly erased those words when I came back to this page today, I decided not to. I was the truth when I wrote it. I took hours to shake that off me and finally release it, in fact its still lingering around a bit on the edges. Tiny wisps of feeling trying to curl their way back out from the nooks and crannies where it tries to hide from me when I am letting go of all that is inside me that isn’t me. Finally decided that I need to clear out my chakras and went to Tapping and used the chakra clearing tap and I feel a million times better.
     All of the above was on Sunday, I ended up not listening to the third cd because my next door neighbors had a party, and they weren’t outrageous or anything but it was right outside my window so I knew I wouldn’t be able to really settle into the cd or be able to release anything effectively so I just decided to screw around for the rest of the day. I did listen to the third SM cd today though and I am super glad I did. I feel much lighter now and feel like I am even more on the right track.
     So after some coffee and a chakra clearing tap I got started. The third cd is really got a lot of releasing going on and so what I am going to do is just quickly touch on what I felt as I released each of the emotions in the chart of emotions, and I will explain what that is now. At the beginning of the cd Hale does a visual for the class and it is in the workbook too for folk like myself that are doing this work from the cds. The visual is nothing more than a plain white sheet of paper with a tiny dot in the center. And he explains that paper is our selves and the dot is the problems we perceive ourselves to have, and the reason that they seem so out of proportion to everything else going on around us is that we are all pressed up against the dot and that is all we can see. That really made a lot of sense to me. Its impossible to really see anything but a small view of yourself and your life and your problems if you are so focused on the problem and you cant let it go. Its kind of like when (ladies you will know what I mean here) you get that magnifying mirror out and start looking at your pores. You cant see how beautiful your skin is because all you can see is how big your pores are. So when your problems seem so huge its completely impossible to really appreciate that you have not only options but that you are beautiful, whole and complete.
      The chart of emotions are really just what are on the surface of that dot in the middle of the paper and when you zoom in on the dot you can see they are only floating on the surface of a bubble. That visual was very powerful for me, I could see them as something separate and alien to me. Something I can experience, but that I totally control how long they can stay or how intense they can become. As Hale finished talking about the paper and the dot and we got ready to do the first release I nearly started to panic and I had to pause the cd and just breath deep and release a bit before I could continue. It seemed to me like I was really scared to let go of my old way of thinking. My silly brain is seriously trying to stay in the rut that has been created there. Once I got myself under control again I restarted the cd…
     The first emotion on the chart was Apathy. For me apathy really boiled down to the feeling that I don’t matter. I have struggled with that for, well my whole life. I have had that feeling reinforced in me repeatedly and has been something I have fought very much to be rid of to push down inside me. Of course I know now that that will never work and only by getting rid of it completely will I be able to feel that I do indeed matter. I have created in my life situations that reinforce that feeling of not mattering over and over. I constantly invite people into my life and then shower them with the love that I should be giving myself hoping they will love me and make me complete.
     Next on the list is Grief, when we welcomed this at the beginning of the release I really felt scared and lonely, and extremely stupid. I wasn’t sure where that was coming from but it didn’t matter I just allowed it in and then let it go. I was starting to feel lighter already with only these two emotions released.
The next emotion to release was Fear and that one for me is a doozey, I have a panic anxiety disorder and have lived many of the last years of my life in a constant state of terror. Terrified that I would make a mistake, that I would or wouldn’t do this thing or that thing. That “something” might happen. And there were so many times that I was afraid for what could be no apparent reason except that I was alive. Its exhausting to be scared all the time. As we started to welcome fear in it felt like such a familiar place to be, it was almost hard to release it when the time came, but release it I did, and that feeling of lightness was nearly like being drunk, the heady fragrance of the lack of it strong in my nose. It felt amazing. It was hard to release that overwhelming sensation but I listened to Hale and let that intoxicating feeling of freedom go too.
     Next up on the list is Lust. Lust is interesting because it has dual connotations for me first it has that feeling of want of strong desire of I cant wait! I feel that a lot, which is counter productive to The Secret Teachings, and SM. Also for me though is the sense that lust is somehow not just the wanting but the sinfulness of wanting. That somehow lust is something that diminishes me as a person or my importance somehow. That to want is to not appreciate what I have or who I am. Conversely its like I think I am something special and who am I to think that? I know that all of this is ridiculous I mean really does it make me less good or important that I breath or need food or want to have a warm place to sleep? Does it serve anyone at all for me to be less than I am or want less than I need to enrich not only my body but my mind and that which is not body or mind but is me? I think it does not. So I welcomed all of those conflicting thoughts and emotions in. I let them swirl inside me and well up, I let them be. When the time came to let all of that go I happily did so. That feeling of lightness is growing.
     Okay next up on the list/bubble, is Anger, yeah no problem finding that emotion. I defiantly have some anger. I could sit here and list to you all the reasons I am angry but really that is just trying to figure it out, make it important and just like our good buddy Hale says the only reason to figure out a problem is if you are planning on having it again. Seriously I couldn’t be more ready to get rid of this emotion in me. Welcoming it in was pretty easy but really so was releasing it. I have harbored it far too long. I know I have more work to do to get it gone from me entirely, but that’s okay I can do it.
     Now we get to pride. This one took me by surprise. When we started to welcome pride in at first I thought I really am not that proud of anything, then all of a sudden it hit me, maybe not but you sure are a self satisfied haughty holier than thou bitch! Actually these feelings came over me with a crash like a tidal wave. They hit me so hard I literally got sick to my stomach and felt like I was going to pass out. I had to actually get on my bed and lay down to finish welcoming and releasing the emotions of it. It really scared me that I was that person. I never ever want to feel that way again. When I finally was able to let go of all of that and get back up I was dizzy and shaky. I had to pause the cd and welcome and release those feelings several more times before I could move forward with the next emotion. I wonder if Hale has ever had anyone in a seminar have such a strong physical reaction to a release? Hale you reading this??? =D
     Which is courage. Courageousness was hard to find in me. Its been a really long time since I felt it. Once I did it was even more difficult to let go of. Hale said that it was hard for some people to let go of courage acceptance and the last which is peace, but that it was important to get past everything so that you can get to yourself. So I let it go and prepared myself for the next emotion on the list Acceptance. Acceptance is something I am only just now starting to do for myself so as you can imagine it was really hard for me to let this go.
     And lastly is peace. Peace is something I have rarely glimpsed in my life. I am not familiar with it at all. It was difficult to recognize. And frankly I am not at all sure I even reached it. I actually want to do the cd over but I know that I am not supposed to and since I already have I wont do it twice.
     Just the act of writing this has brought it all back up in me and it has taking some time cause I ended up having to release quite a bit of it over again. So as you can imagine I am a tad tired. I think that I will leave the post here for now Reader and let you read this while I marinate on what the next post should be. I am going to keep going over the notes I made when I listened and read the work book again before I do cd 4 (tomorrow?). So I may post about it again before 4 but who knows Reader, who knows.
Until then Reader keep exploring yourself, and thanks for riding along,


Saturday, May 28, 2011

Random Thoughts

     I started off yesterday with the thought that I don’t have to feel bad about myself today, then I started thinking about the things I had done the day before and ticked each one off as the reasons why I could feel good about myself. I got in a few then I realized what I was doing, and stopped and I remembered I don’t need to beat myself up today or any day. It’s the beating myself up that is keeping all of this going inside me, it is part of the cycle I am trying to break. I am me, that is good enough. And sure, sure I have reasons I could feel bad about myself, who doesn’t, but hating myself for not living up to some unreasonable standard that I had no hand in creating is getting me no where, and in fact is destroying any chance I have of living up to my own needs, my own potential, or even setting any type of reasonable standard for myself. I have rarely extended myself the same courtesy I extend to others, I have always been quicker to forgive anyone but me. Changing this is a constant process, its becoming much more habitual everyday.
     Started to listen to cd three yesterday morning after I did my morning routine… as soon as I realized it was the chart of emotions cd I thought to myself, “Oh shit this is the hard one.” Then I just stopped. I was like why am I putting that label on this? I never did start the cd though. I kept finding things that just had to be done before I could sit down and start that. As I wrote that I realize that it is just my brain fighting to keep thinking in the same ways its used to. I am listing to CeeLo Green right now and he is singing a song called No One’s Gonna Love You (like I do), and all of a sudden I just flipped it and started to sing that to myself. It made me start to laugh out loud. It felt really good. I think it’s the day to listen to that cd.
     Since my first cry out to the universe/God/source energy nearly three months ago, when the movie The Secret first came into my life and started me on this journey that is bringing me all of these new ideas and new ways of thinking , my joy in myself, and my hope for mankind, for all of us, has grown and magnified and blossomed in ways that I could have never anticipated. I am so fortunate that in that moment of despair I was able to some how to come up with the right question, the right expression, that I was able to cry out what I needed and be heard. I am even more fortunate that I was open to the answer when it started to flow to me. My gratitude grows daily, my gratitude for this journey, for myself, and for you Reader. More than you can know sharing this experience with you feels like the most important thing I have ever done. I feel humbled to imagine that you would want to share this road with me. Thank you for coming along. I know this post is on the short side, but I really wanted to get these thoughts out and make them separate from the post I will be writing while/after I listen to SM cd 3.
Thanks again Reader for taking this walk with me.  J

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Thursday, May 26, 2011

Busy Busy Busy

Hello Reader, 
     I know it has been a few days since my last post, and that last post was a tad on the small and lame side of things. It is my wish that today makes up for it. I have been restless the last few days with tumbling thoughts and whirling emotions. I have been releasing madly and reading much, I have listened to the second cd of SM, apparently lost a dear friend, and made some new ones. Its been busy.
     Let me start off by saying I am feeling beyond sad to have lost a friend that means a lot to me. Losing her point of view, laughter, love, wisdom, and friendship is an ache in my heart that releasing has not been able to completely lessen, I think that is indicative of the importance I place on her friendship. She is mad at me over the drama that happened a couple of weeks ago now, that I mentioned but didn’t explain in previous blogs. I understand how she feels I am mad at me too. I should have handled things a slightly different way but the end result would have been the same regardless, and that is something I don’t think she understands. What hurts me the most about it all is that first she just jumped to conclusions over a text conversation since she wouldn’t give me the courtesy to speak to me, and second is that thru out the entire mess, not once has she even asked me if I am okay. Actually only two of my friends have been at all supportive or loving to me thru out this. I have tried to go back in game and play, I am not finding any joy in it. I realized it was my friends I wanted… not WoW. Its probably time to just move on. If the friendships I have made in this game are at all real they wont need the game to sustain them and if they are not… then they are not. I am not going to beat myself up to please other people anymore, and I am most certainly not going to force myself to associate with people who have no regard for me to please anyone either. I feel sad that my making a mistake in the way I handled the situation has turned into an unforgivable sin, it was only a mistake after all not a personal attack on anyone. Here is the thing though, all of this says much more about me than anyone else and I recognize that. I know that I have attracted this whole mess to me. I created it myself. I trusted, and loved where it was inappropriate and I then I expressed myself badly. It is my need for outside sources of love and validation that ultimately caused the situation and that is something that will get better with time, and much releasing on self hatred and distrust. That is something that is getting better in me daily….
     And speaking of releasing, as I mentioned I did listen to the second cd of SM a couple of days ago. I haven’t written a lot about it yet for a couple of reasons. The first being that I was still allowing all of the drama I created to be my main focus this week and also because once I did set everything aside and listened to the second cd I really wanted to explore it before saying anything. The cd starts by asking you first to make a list of the things that you are hoping to change/get from this course/method. I did make a list. I am not going to share with you everything on the list some of the items are really quite personal and I may at some point share them with you Reader but for now here are some of the things that I put on the list that I would like to either change or manifest in my life by using The Sedona Method…
Be a stronger person
Love myself
Be more loving with others
Financial independence/Profession/Business(s)
Be more Calm/ Less afraid
Finish writing a book(s)
Trust myself
     The list is actually a bit longer but like I said a few of the things I am just going to hold to myself a tiny bit, for now. Most of the things on the list are actually things that I am gaining more of daily. Self love, trust, strength. I have more room to grow, but that is going to be true till the day I leave this planet, and the thing is I am making an effort to bring all of these things in to reality. I am also releasing about them constantly. Just the act of welcoming my feelings and thoughts, a process so foreign to me a couple of weeks ago has become almost second nature to me. Every time (nearly) I start to feel badly or negatively I remember I have another option. I don’t have to be a slave to that feeling. Its not me, its not a reflection of me. It just is. I don’t have to keep it. Some times I can really picture myself inside this body flinging open a set of shutters on a window letting the emotions pass thru like a breeze, and I lift my face to feel it go by, to experience that which is passing thru me, but is not me. In this cd and in the workbook Hale explains that there are many times in your life where you have been forced by circumstance to let things go, and that it is really a natural ability that we forget over time as we learn to interact with the world around us. That is very similar to what Bob Proctor says in his videos about paradigms. These teachers from The Secret movie are pretty smart guys. I feel very blessed to have attracted this into my life when I did. I am so grateful.
     A lot of the second cd focused on rejection, rejection of the feelings and rejection of self. I have to say, that is me all over the place. There is very little about me that I haven’t rejected in some way or another in my life. I like that Hale explains that rejection is just another emotion. Just another thing I can let go if I choose to, yeah, I choose to. In the second cd Hale really goes over how problems in your life are really just appearances, that once you release the energy, once you let go of what ever you perceive to be your problems they will right themselves. Its our focus on them, our attempt to fix them that makes them real. And really… how can you beat yourself up for shit that isn’t even really there unless you make it be. Expression and repression are such a part of all our lives that we constantly use them to make problems real. To infuse them with a sense of importance, when the real importance is happening below the feelings the real you is in the spaces where that problem doesn’t exist. And that you is smiling at how funny you are making everything all dramatic. There is this line in cd 2 where Hale says “Tell your mind to look for trouble and it will find it.” I am always looking for trouble. I have been trying to exist in the spaces between. The spaces where all of my molecules are vibrating to create this body. I am living in there somewhere and I am trying to just be there. Just exist. To explore that nothing/everything that is me.
     I am noticing more and more where I used to have physical manifestations of my constant battle with my emotions, and myself. My shoulders, they have gotten much looser. My back doesn’t hurt like it used to, and in my throat I would always have this strangled feeling which has been stubbornly hanging on but is lessening with every release. I am also crying so much less. So much less. And when I do cry it seems more like a cleansing and less like a defeat. I am having less instances of panic and anxiety as well. I am feeling more light and bouncy when I am walking and I am laughing and smiling lot more. I have been looking forward to the rest of my life more like an adventure and less like a chore and that is something that gives me tremendous relief. I was for a long time wondering how I could possibly make it thru another thirty or forty years of this crap and then came the movie The Secret that started me on this journey. I am so happy to be on this path, and I am thrilled you have joined me Reader. Thank You. I am so grateful for this journey, and I am so grateful for you. 
     I have had some new neighbors for a few weeks, they have seemed like really sweet people since the first day they moved in. We have been friendly with each other since day one, and over the last few days we have started talking more and more, they are just really down to earth sweet people who are interesting and lovely to talk to. I am enjoying the budding friendship with them, we have much in common including The Secret, and an openness and willingness to explore life. It was really awesome to be able to talk to people about what I am doing and experiencing with out sensing the inner eye roll. You know what I mean Reader. You are all excited about something and you tell a loved one and you can tell just by how they are nodding and smiling that inside they are really rolling their eyes.
I will be listing to cd 3 tonight, more to follow for sure!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Really Helping

Just a quick one Reader, I haven't been able to get back to SM in a couple of days, one cause I spent the day with a couple of friends playing WoW and chatting in vent so I just enjoyed myself. Also today my computer just freaked out and wouldn't do anything but freeze over and over and over all day. So I text a friend for help and when he had time we went over a few things and then decided that a full reformat was in order and so he sent me the driver he knew I would need and I decided to deal with it later and took a nap. Now as you can see from the fact that I am posting I did indeed get everything worked out, but I wanted to specifically post about this incident for one reason. I did not freak out. I didn't cry, I didn't panic, I didn't get upset at all. I started to a couple of times, then I would just remember what I have learned, I opened. I welcomed. I let go. I was able to think about it clearly and I was able to do something about it with out being upset. That is just new for me. I am really proud about that. I need to go release that now too. Well I have more things to do to put my computer right and find all my links and whatnot so more later Reader. Thanks for Riding. J PS Thanks alot to my friend for his help.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

As best you can

     So Reader, I decided to just take the bull by the horns and start over with SM from disc one, and page one in the book. I know that Hale said not to do that, but I am going to assume he meant that based on the assumption that I did indeed listen fully and do the workbook exercises. I didn’t give it the full attention that I should have and therefore I want to go back and do that now. I know from the movie that the releasing is only part of it, and I have gotten better at opening and allowing my emotions to go thru me, but a couple of the cds are really specific and touch on things that I think we all struggle with in our lives I know I do, so I really want to make sure I have done the work before I move on. I am reading the beginning parts of the workbook now that you read prior to starting to listen to the first cd. I love this one part in the book where is says they suggest that you don’t just believe anything that they say in the book, cds or program in general. They want you to only remain open to discovery so you can prove or disprove the validity of the program yourself. Reading that and hearing him say it on the cd, was really freeing for me. I love that its here for me to experience and if I put the effort into it that I should the proof will be in the putting.
     The first cd really is of course designed to familiarize you with the method the original creator of it Mr. Lester Levenson, and to introduce you to the four ways of letting go. First, Drop it. Yep just drop it baby. Two, welcome it just let it be in the moment, third is to dive into the core of it I love the diving into the core one. I can really picture doing that in my mind. And four holistic releasing which is just to really examine any emotion/problem from all sides and to accept the opposites to it and let them both go.

     When you are releasing Hale calls that processes and so the first process he has you do in the cd is really not about your emotions at all but about showing you that they are indeed not part of you. He does this by asking you to pick up an object in your hand. A pen a coin a pebble. Just something you wont mind letting go of. Hold that tightly in your hand. Feel in there. If you hold it tight enough it starts to feel at first uncomfortable but then familiar. Like your emotions. Now open your hand and let the object roll around in your hand. Is that attached to you? Is it part of you? Of course not, and neither are your emotions. Now hold the object out in front of you and grip it again. Turn your hand over and … Drop It! That is releasing in a nutshell. When you do this with a problem or an emotion it’s the process of letting it go and so you begin be just allowing or welcoming, as best you can, and then you ask yourself the releasing questions.

Could you (I) let it go?    This only means are you able to, and as Hale says if you could drop the pen you are able
Would you (I) let it go    This means are you willing to? And really does it feel good not to?
When?                           Simply an invitation to allow yourself to do it now

     Now for the first two questions the only real answers are yes and no, but the last one a lot of times you are want to put conditions on which he goes over and that’s okay. You are really just opening and by doing so you are letting in your need or desire to control the situation by attaching conditions. Welcome and release that too and see if the when answer changes. If your answers to the first two are no you probably aren’t being completely honest with yourself and need to do some more welcoming of wanting to control it. That’s my struggle a bit to. I want to control how everything works and part of that is to want answers that I cant have so by asking for those answers I can justify waiting
     On the first process that he did with us (us? Lol I feel like I am in the live class listening to the cds so if I say us you will know I mean the class) I pictured myself diving into the core of the emotions/problem as he asked when. As I pictured letting go I could picture me diving into that emotion and dissipating it with the force the rings that radiated out from my point of entry. It was really pretty powerful imagery. The thing I chose to focus on was my self hatred. There is a pretty big pool of that so it seemed like a safe dive, but just like Hale explains in the workbook any emotion you are feeling is no deeper than the surface of a bubble. Touch it and it bursts. That is not to say that one releasing has left me over flowing with self love but I am feeling lighter and more accepting of myself in this moment, and it feels good. Hale wants us to release that too, I admit to reluctance. I don’t feel good about myself often and letting it go is a bit counter intuitive. However if I am going to explore this process fully I must listen and let go.
     I have more thoughts flowing thru my head right now but I cant really get them to settle. I think I will be at least going thru the second cd today so I may even post again later but I think I need to leave it here for now Reader.
Thanks for riding along

     Before I finish completely I wanted to say that I have been wanting very much to talk about the drama last week, I have really been stopping myself. Releasing on it constantly has helped with that. The main reasons I dont is that the person(s) I am avoiding has suddenly begun to read this blog and they frankly have had enough fun at my expense, and secondly cause alot of my friends who are indirectly involved read this blog as well and not only do I  not want them to think I am whining or using my blog to ask for attention or support, or to get them to choose (me) my side. Anything I say now just feels like a big ole Be My Friend banner over my head. Thats kinda what got me in this mess in the first place now isnt it? I am thinking self hate was a great place to start over on SM

Cya soon. J

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Scattered Thoughts.

     I started the fifth and sixth CDs of SM a couple of days ago. At the beginning Hale says to remember to be easy on yourself that you have a lifetime of practice at suppression and expression, and boy do I! The over all feeling of the two discs was control, whether controlling or wanting to be controlled, and approval and disapproval. I definitely have some work to do in both of those areas. I like how the method really attacks everything from both sides. If you want control then how do you want to be controlled in the situation? If you are looking for approval how are you looking for disapproval as well? And maybe not every issue has a two side thing but really if you think about it most probably do. I really started to think about this thing I have been going thru this last week that I haven’t really explained. I am not going to exactly but I will say that I have the feelings that are definitely feelings going both ways for me. I really wish someone would just tell me what to do and then make me do it. That is not likely to happen and even if someone tried it would I really listen? Or would I just try to protect the feelings I have, protect my way of doing things? I really don’t think I listened as much as I should have. I am preoccupied. These two CDs deserve more than this small paragraph, I know. I am having a hard time focusing on them though I think partially because they are very close to what I need to be working on the most and part of me is resisting that. I really used these two CDs to help me start to understand what it is about me that created my situation this week. That is the only way for me to not create it again. I think I need to give these two CDs more attention.
     When I was a kid the way that I would study things… almost anything in fact was to read about it then write down what I had learned over and over and over again till I had remembered it. It was very effective for me at the time. It came to me the other day when I was trying to come up with a mantra about money, and thinking about the I love you exercise given to me by Arash, that I needed a way to make it seem more meaningful to me than just saying it over and over. I remember thinking why am I not studying this? If it worked for me when I was learning my way thru the school as a child why can it not work for me now? Since then I have been writing my mantras down repeatedly all day as often as I am able, and I sing them in the car. The one I am using about money right now is actually a combo of two things I heard in the movie The Secret. Bob Proctor said you might want to write down what you are grateful for and you might begin by saying I am so happy and grateful now that, I love the way that sounds and feels when I say it so I use that. I also remember Laura Langemeier say in the movie that she changed the way she thought about money from you have to work hard for money, to money comes easily and frequently. I like that too. So what I did was make my own version of that. I have to do something to change my attitude toward money so what I write down everyday as many times as I am able is this: I am so happy and grateful now that I receive money easily and frequently thru multiple sources. Since I am having a hard time with it I have also started writing every day as well: I love you Jammy. I would imagine that if the recycling guy took the time to look at all these closely written pages he would think I am nuts. I also read something recently from Magnus at tapping.com. He said, “Right now, I think the most important mission for spiritual people is to move the control of the money on the planet, from the 'darkness' into the 'light'.” When I read that it was very powerful for me, it really made me see my relationship with money in a new way. Why if I did something that made me a lot of money would that necessarily mean that I would have to be a bad person who takes advantage of others? It would not. I have to remember that, or maybe learn it would be more accurate. Magnus sent me a letter today (not just me lol) and it was about a money tap he made for us if you would like to use it to help attract more money in your life or to change your attitude toward money just let me know I will forward you the email or post the tap here in the comments. Let me know. Also his website. Go there. Lots of amazing videos to help get you started on tapping.
     I keep thinking that I need to just stop where I am in SM and start at the beginning again, Hale says over and over not to do that. H says that you just need to experience it all first then go back and focus where you need to. Not to get bogged down in one particular part, but I haven’t just sat here and done every exercise and opened the workbook and really done it the way it should be done. Not to discount that I have been very present during the listening and have done many of the exercises and am working on them actively every day, but I feel like maybe I haven’t given it (myself) the attention it deserved. Maybe? And is it really myself I am not paying attention to. Is it myself trying desperately to cling to my old ways of being?This blog entry seems very scattered to me, I cant seem to get my thoughts sorted out. I am stopping now. I will think about how I am going to proceed in SM today and then either move on or start over, but either way I will be writing about it, so check back Reader.

XOXO Jammy

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Long over due

     I am pretty tired, I have been battling myself for over four decades. I know the ammunition that I carry is not for the most part of my own making, and yet here I go lugging it around, shooting myself with it on a regular basis. Not to say I am trying to shirk my responsibility for the ways in which I have kept myself fighting this senseless fight, and in fact added my own special rounds to the magazine. Knowing that I didn’t do the initial breaking, doesn’t lessen the sting of the cracks I added myself. I want so much to be thru with the ways that I am torturing myself and just find the peace I keep glimpsing in me. I can see that it is indeed there, I just have so much crap piled on top of it every time I unearth a piece of me an avalanche falls on it and I feel lost again. I am working constantly on releasing and its getting easier, every time to let go of all of the emotions and beliefs that are holding me back. It leaves me hopeful.
     Its been several days since I had a decent blog post so I am going to start off with the stuff from the earlier in the week when I started listening to the Sedona Method CD’s. (SM from now on) and first I want to say that I love Hale’s laugh, it is exuberant, unrestrained, and I guess a tad donkey like! It is marvelous, but he said something on the first disc that is so what is happening with me its uncanny its almost like he was picking examples out of my own brain to speak about, and since he and I have never met, that seems really unlikely. He said that the brain does what it is good at, he was referring of course to the way that it is so easy to fall back into the habit of doing things a certain way, and my brain is trying to do that so much right now. I was lying in bed the other night thinking about all of the ways I have been (I guess) trained to think over my life and how underneath all of that is my true self. All of a sudden I could picture myself deep inside as this little red dude who was frantically throwing all of these boxes filled with negative emotions out of me trying to free him(?)self. I don’t know why but as soon as I saw it in my mind I thought him even though he looked very unisex, but I knew that that figure represented my true me. I knew it was red cause it was so furiously working to be rid of the bounds that constricted it. I knew it was my struggle I was seeing in my minds eye. I hope soon that little guy is able to settle down and relax.
     One of the exercises in SD is to make a list of the things you want to accomplish thru the course and so I started a list and I will put it here now.
Be Stronger
Love Myself
Financial Independence
More meaningful relationships
My House (there is one that I love)
A Business
Finish writing a book (or two?)
     Its not a huge list but its pretty good I think. I think that most of the things on the list boil down to one thing really and that is self acceptance. I struggle with trusting myself daily. Even in small ways its something that is difficult for me to just let to and trust, gee maybe that is why I need outside validation… hmmm. It is getting much easier as I learn to release. I would imagine once I am able to sit still again and finish the CD’s it will be even easier. Just the releasing technique is making my life so much more easy to handle. My normal days before starting this journey were such a flood of self hating voices and recriminations it’s a wonder that I have been able to do anything at all in my life. Those voices are changing. I was really struggling with some emotions I didn’t want on Mothers Day, I was really having to release constantly to get rid of it., but what was amazing is that when it started to subside and I began to gain control of how I was experiencing my emotions again. I didn’t automatically go into beat myself up mode, which then would have led to more self judgments and then releasing. I just thought to myself well its okay girl you’re not perfect, you are still learning. that’s different than the ways I am used to dealing with myself. It was nice.
     If you read my last blog post you know I am struggling with something very personal right now that I am not willing to discuss. Almost everything I do or feel or think will be in this blog, Reader. This one thing I am keeping to myself. I know you will understand that I need to put it behind me as fast as I can and I am doing that. I am going to end this blog here for today I hope to get back to the CD’s later tonight or tomorrow. I just wasn’t able the last few days to devote my attention to it.

Thanks for riding along. J

Friday, May 13, 2011

I know its been a few days but...

I play world of warcraft, I had to stop playing and leave my guild the other day.
     I know that my friends don’t understand why it was necessary for me to back off from the group that we all belong to, and I do wish that I was able to explain it to them, but for myself and for the good of the group whether I am in it or not, I wont talk about it. That is something that is really difficult for me as I am in a lot of pain right now. I need my friends support so much, and because I cant allow this to tear the group apart I can’t talk about it. I am sure I have been cast in the role of the bad guy, the unreasonable one, and I will gladly accept that if it means that the family I helped to created stays strong. I am lost and lonely without them. I miss them so much. I wish that I could just pretend that I have not been made to feel like a complete idiot by what amounts to a couple of kids but I can not, and so I have to just step back. I am beyond hurt and embarrassed by what happened and I can not share this with anyone. I cant control the story they will tell but I can keep my own council, I only regret that it requires me to lose that which I hold dear.
     I know they (my guild members) are mad at me, and I think a couple of them have decided to stop being my friend and I guess that is something I will have to live with. I did what I had to do for myself, I wish I was able to explain it better but I am not, I had hoped that my worth as a friend wasn’t predicated on my being in, or the work I did for the guild, or playing the game that brought us together, and for a few I think that may be true but only time will tell and I will have to accept what happens because I can not, will not, allow myself to be used the way I was for what can only be personal enjoyment again no matter who it’s for. I am going to get past this. I am using the SM (Sedona method) constantly to release my feelings about it. It has made it easier but its still hurts.
     I was working on a blog post when this happened and I am still but its hit a snag. I will get one up in the next day or two Reader I promise.
Thanks for sticking with me Reader it means a lot to me. J

Monday, May 9, 2011

The List and I love you.

     A few blogs ago I told you about a call I received from a lovely gentleman named Arash, who is a life coach with Bob Proctor. I am still working with the exercises he gave me. One of the things he said to do was to tell myself I love you, every day for 90 days. I have sat here for ten minutes trying to think of words that describe to you how incredibly foreign and strange the words I love you felt coming out of my mouth while I stood in my bathroom looking at me in the mirror. I love so many people. I offer my affection freely to those I love and for a few I offer my complete self as much as I am able. Me, I have been less that kind to me. I keep missing days, I keep avoiding mirrors. I am going to stop doing that today. The other thing that Arash had me do was make two lists 20 items long each. The first one is all the things about me that irritate or upset me about myself. Basically the hate list. The other is the Grateful for, Love List. The first list I am supposed to burn so I can be rid of it. The second one I am supposed to keep with me and look at daily. I am not going to publish the burn list, for obvious reasons, I am going to bring to you now the love list, and I am going to resist the urge to ask your opinion on it. Its not your list. Its mine so I need to be a honey badger about it. The funny thing about this process is that I absolutely expected to be finished with the hate list long before the love list, but I am not. I still need three more things. That makes me smile.
1. Nice
2. Funny
3. My way with words
4. Very Considerate
5. Smart
6. Open Minded
7. Loyal
8. Kind
9. Strong
10. Determination
11. That I like to sing
12. Good Dancer
13. Loving
14. Honest
15. My laugh
16. Nice Rack (I know I know but it really is)
17. Curious
18. My Journey
19 Caring
20. That I am trying.
Again I am having to resist the urge to write the words How do you like it reader… and all though I did just do that, the fact that I don’t actually mean the question does make it a bit easier to put it down and accept it for what it is. Just a learned behavior, looking to someone else to tell me how to feel about me. I have another blog coming I am working on it now, but I thought this should be by its self.
Cya Soon Reader, J

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Super Excited

     So that movie I watched the other day, Letting Go. I have been extremely curious about The Sedona Method since I viewed the movie the first time, because the triple welcoming releasing technique is only a part of the actual method, and I now have the Cd's and the workbook am super stoked up about it! You can be sure reader that I will bring to you in this blog the journey in its entirety. I know that I have already found so much help with just the welcoming technique and so I am really excited to find out the rest and hope that it will indeed be helped even more by what I am about to undertake. I am really open to it. I am so grateful to be manifesting in my life all the things I am learning,  and all the ways I am growing. I am very excited by the idea of even more clarity, even greater understanding and accepting of self. I hope that the journey ahead inspires you dear Reader to be the you that you are.

     Re-reading my prior post, it occurred to me that where as I have mentioned that I have some negative friends in my life, I have neglected to mention that I have a some friends that are so amazing, and so supportive of me and all that I am doing. In the crazy emotionally pothole ridden road that I am on in my journey to wholeness, it can be easy to over look the people that make that road a bearable one to navigate, and I want to express that I am indeed profoundly grateful to be gifted with such amazing friends. Thank you... My deepest love and appreciation.
xoxo J

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Trip, Stumble, Fall... hard

For along time my sense of self worth has been tied into my importance to others, I would imagine that has become evident if you have read my past blogs. I am working on changing that, but it becomes increasingly clear that I do indeed still have some work to do there. Being incredibly stupid… not helping. I place far too much importance on relationships with people who are unable or unwilling to return the favor. I know this. I am not sure how this works though, as I gain more and more love and respect for myself, how will I interact with the people in my life that I have attracted to me that while I do love, I have obviously taught to treat me with disregard and a general lack of consideration? Arash the life coach I spoke with told me that I need to not worry about it because its not my business, they will respect my journey or not and its not for me to worry about, and I suppose to a certain extent that is true, it’s a scary thought. I try to be really open with my friends, the people I choose for my family, I don’t want to but I think I really have to just maybe stop doing that so much. At least until I am able to really get myself in a good place where I am healed and stronger. Where my love for myself is a cushion between me and the insensitivities of people who love (?) me, and trust that as I treat myself better I will attract people to me that will also treat me with kindness and respect. Some times its hard to understand where such inconsideration could come from when its so alien a thing from what you yourself are. I know the fact that I even wish for love from outside of myself means I am still on a road to finding myself and what I need me to be for me. I am trying so hard to release this need for outside sources of acceptance and love. I am, but damn is a little support really so much to ask for? And I feel so stupid for wishing that the ones I loved understood how much I love them, how much I needed them right now in this journey I am undertaking, or needed me in their lives as much as I need them to be in mine. I get so used to that connection and I wish I didn’t. It hurts a lot when you become aware that you aren’t as essential to someone(s) as they are to you. I will find a way to release the importance of that in my life somehow. I suppose even if its only for self preservation, but really I don’t want to stop loving people as much as I do I would prefer to love me just as much. How do you manage to love people and it not be too much? Maybe what I am supposed to do is just love myself and forsake all the rest for now, I cant imagine even trusting myself to choose a mate, when I am still choosing friends who can’t refrain from treating me like some park trick. I am going to get this right I know that I will but the process is ongoing and I am so tired of being less than, and knowing that I am the one that did it to myself, it certainly doesn’t make any of this easier to accept. Damn it I am so fucking mad at me right now!

     I am starting to read the Sedona Method stuff tonight so I will be blogging on that in the next day or two.

Monday, May 2, 2011

I can be a real ass sometimes.

I was a total Jerk yesterday (Sunday) to my friend, and even though I understand the reason why I did it, cause he has been so jerky to me lately, I am not using that as a justification. I was a Jerk. I feel awful about it, even after releasing and having a good nights sleep and releasing again I am left with the clear knowledge that I was a complete asshole and even though I have apologized for it that doesn’t make it less true that I was an asshole to my friend and I feel bad that I hurt him. He wont forgive me yet and I deserve that too. I hope he wont stay mad at me for too long. I am trying to be a better person/friend/human. This is just one stupid thing I will do, mistake I will make on my journey. I just pray that It wasn’t a mistake I will have to regret forever. I am sorry My Dear Friend I hope you accept my apology.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Learning new ways everyday.

     So I have had a pretty emotionally charged few days since last I posted, Reader. Wednesday, I was nervous all day thinking about the phone call I was to have later that evening with Arash one of Bob Proctors personal coaches. It was something Bob had offered to me free and I was excited but very nervous too. Of course that was just silly, which I came to realize pretty quickly. Arash was a very kind to me and very gentle with me. He and I talked about my current situation and about some of the goals I would like to have put in place by this time next year but most importantly he asked me some things that really had me thinking. First thing I remember him saying to me was, if I could imagine being extremely confident what would it look like, he also asked me if it was possible that the “truths” I believed about myself were in fact someone else’s lies. That really got me thinking. He also gave me a couple of exercises to do, one where I am supposed to tell myself I love you everyday for 90 days, in the mirror for a few minutes. I swear when he said that I lost my breath because the thought of it was so completely foreign to me. I started to cry. I couldn’t help it, but I just kept it quiet. He also told me to make a list of 20 things I do and don’t like about me. Burn the one I don’t like and keep the one I do and look at it every day. Keep it with me. I am still working on making that list but I have it started. I also that night watched a movie. The movie is called Letting Go, its about the Sedona Method of releasing emotion and freeing yourself. Its by one of the secret teachers Hale Dwoskin. All I can say is WOW. It really is pretty simple and powerful stuff. It’s omg  really stupid how easy this is, and why didn’t I think of this way to just let shit go, and its really working for me even more than tapping has been helping, which is significant. I think I may end up with a combo of the two but, I am really working with this welcoming technique I learned from the movie. A very simple welcoming technique. It makes a lot of sense to me in that it’s the exact opposite of what I am doing now which is to just harbor the hurt and emotion, the bad and incorrect ways I think about myself. The technique is simply to welcome the emotions, the thoughts the memories, to open yourself up and let them flow to you like a river. Invite them in, welcome them, welcome the feelings that you have to change it or control it or that it even has anything at all to do with you, and then simply ask yourself if you like the way it feels. NO? Well then, could you let it go? Would you let it go? When? I am sure the answers to those questions are pretty clear. All I can say is this has really has opened me up a lot to being able to deal with the emotions I have, both past and present, and to be able to release them fast. Every time I release something I feel like I have uncovered something of me that has been buried and hidden by what was just let go, I also imagine it like I am my apartment. And that life is a cross breeze and emotions, and experiences are carried on that cross breeze that runs thru my open windows. I can feel the breeze the breeze can blow my curtains maybe even knock over a lamp, or blow my hair, but that breeze is not me. Its just something I experience as it flows thru me but when its gone its gone. I am still there, maybe wiser from the experience but still just me. Nothing more, nothing less, and that is just perfectly perfect as it is. WOW. Seriously I would recommend watching the movie its freaking amazing! I also found a workbook for it online and am gonna check that out too, you know I will bring you what I find out.

     Thursday, I woke up feeling pretty raw from the phone call with Arash, and watching the movie Letting Go, I was also feeling particularly emotional because I had felt really left out the night before when some friends of mine chose to do something that didn’t include me. I shouldn’t have felt bad about it but I did and so that is that. I kind of acted like a jerk about it even while admitting that I was being a jerk. lol So funny. Well anyway when I got up it all worked itself out mostly because I came to the decision (thru releasing) to stop caring about it. Its kinda funny cause the situation hasn’t changed, I am totally being blown off, and I am sure that my friend thinks I am too dumb to realize he is blowing me off, like tonight (Saturday) he asked me to do something in game (WoW), so even though I was kinda doing something else I said yes, because I had been looking forward to playing with him for two days, then after I logged into the game he kept me waiting for over two hours, then blew me off to go chill with our other friend, the one that he keeps blowing me off for, and didn’t even have the consideration to tell me that I was wasting my time waiting for him. Later he even wanted me to drop everything for him again cause our other friend went to bed and he had time for me now… I just started laughing. I already spent some time releasing my irritation with him after I figured out what was up, so the game he is trying to play is just funny to me at this point, that doesn’t mean I am going to keep letting him do it to me, he must think I am an idiot or something. It doesn’t actually matter, because I just don’t care about it anymore. Not that I don’t care about him. That’s not the case in any way. I absolutely adore him and I am sure we will be friends forever, and its just fine for him to chose to spend time with a mutual friend over me, it is not however very nice to be so inconsiderate. When he tried to get me to come back and talk to him later on that night after our friend went to bed I told him I was too busy had wasted enough time waiting for him today and wasn’t going to drop everything for him again. I didn’t get mad I wasn’t emotional, it felt good to just mean what I say and be done with it. I feel really proud about how well I was about to process my irritation and not let it grow out of proportion or turn into anything worse. I feel really strong. I used to always feel like if I could just somehow give everyone I cared about the absolute most love I had in me that I would find it reflected back to me. That they would feel that love and want to return it to me… I really thought that the love I needed was going to come to me that way. I actually believed that the reason that people didn’t love me enough for me to feel secure was my fault. That if I could just love them more then I would feel from them the acceptance and love that I needed to feel complete and whole. That fully boggles my mind to contemplate thinking that way now. I literally feel like I just met myself. Like I just saw me for the first time. I think I might like this girl. She is interesting and funny, she is smart and curious. She is me. I can not describe to you how this feels. I am literally vibrating with joy. Its like I am becoming purely me in a way I haven’t been since the moment of my birth. I am so grateful to feel so overflowing with goodness, love, intentions, ideas, and to be ME. Oh my God, I am me.

I have  plenty more to say but I am tired so this is it for now Reader. More Soon. J