Saturday, May 28, 2011

Random Thoughts

     I started off yesterday with the thought that I don’t have to feel bad about myself today, then I started thinking about the things I had done the day before and ticked each one off as the reasons why I could feel good about myself. I got in a few then I realized what I was doing, and stopped and I remembered I don’t need to beat myself up today or any day. It’s the beating myself up that is keeping all of this going inside me, it is part of the cycle I am trying to break. I am me, that is good enough. And sure, sure I have reasons I could feel bad about myself, who doesn’t, but hating myself for not living up to some unreasonable standard that I had no hand in creating is getting me no where, and in fact is destroying any chance I have of living up to my own needs, my own potential, or even setting any type of reasonable standard for myself. I have rarely extended myself the same courtesy I extend to others, I have always been quicker to forgive anyone but me. Changing this is a constant process, its becoming much more habitual everyday.
     Started to listen to cd three yesterday morning after I did my morning routine… as soon as I realized it was the chart of emotions cd I thought to myself, “Oh shit this is the hard one.” Then I just stopped. I was like why am I putting that label on this? I never did start the cd though. I kept finding things that just had to be done before I could sit down and start that. As I wrote that I realize that it is just my brain fighting to keep thinking in the same ways its used to. I am listing to CeeLo Green right now and he is singing a song called No One’s Gonna Love You (like I do), and all of a sudden I just flipped it and started to sing that to myself. It made me start to laugh out loud. It felt really good. I think it’s the day to listen to that cd.
     Since my first cry out to the universe/God/source energy nearly three months ago, when the movie The Secret first came into my life and started me on this journey that is bringing me all of these new ideas and new ways of thinking , my joy in myself, and my hope for mankind, for all of us, has grown and magnified and blossomed in ways that I could have never anticipated. I am so fortunate that in that moment of despair I was able to some how to come up with the right question, the right expression, that I was able to cry out what I needed and be heard. I am even more fortunate that I was open to the answer when it started to flow to me. My gratitude grows daily, my gratitude for this journey, for myself, and for you Reader. More than you can know sharing this experience with you feels like the most important thing I have ever done. I feel humbled to imagine that you would want to share this road with me. Thank you for coming along. I know this post is on the short side, but I really wanted to get these thoughts out and make them separate from the post I will be writing while/after I listen to SM cd 3.
Thanks again Reader for taking this walk with me.  J

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