Still Exploring!

     I start this cold dreary day with those precise emotions inside me as well. Tears greet my eyes upon waking, and I know not why. I feel particularly broken today. God, please tell me I am not to broken to fix. Please.
     I very nearly erased those words when I came back to this page today, I decided not to. I was the truth when I wrote it. I took hours to shake that off me and finally release it, in fact its still lingering around a bit on the edges. Tiny wisps of feeling trying to curl their way back out from the nooks and crannies where it tries to hide from me when I am letting go of all that is inside me that isn’t me. Finally decided that I need to clear out my chakras and went to Tapping and used the chakra clearing tap and I feel a million times better.
     All of the above was on Sunday, I ended up not listening to the third cd because my next door neighbors had a party, and they weren’t outrageous or anything but it was right outside my window so I knew I wouldn’t be able to really settle into the cd or be able to release anything effectively so I just decided to screw around for the rest of the day. I did listen to the third SM cd today though and I am super glad I did. I feel much lighter now and feel like I am even more on the right track.
     So after some coffee and a chakra clearing tap I got started. The third cd is really got a lot of releasing going on and so what I am going to do is just quickly touch on what I felt as I released each of the emotions in the chart of emotions, and I will explain what that is now. At the beginning of the cd Hale does a visual for the class and it is in the workbook too for folk like myself that are doing this work from the cds. The visual is nothing more than a plain white sheet of paper with a tiny dot in the center. And he explains that paper is our selves and the dot is the problems we perceive ourselves to have, and the reason that they seem so out of proportion to everything else going on around us is that we are all pressed up against the dot and that is all we can see. That really made a lot of sense to me. Its impossible to really see anything but a small view of yourself and your life and your problems if you are so focused on the problem and you cant let it go. Its kind of like when (ladies you will know what I mean here) you get that magnifying mirror out and start looking at your pores. You cant see how beautiful your skin is because all you can see is how big your pores are. So when your problems seem so huge its completely impossible to really appreciate that you have not only options but that you are beautiful, whole and complete.
      The chart of emotions are really just what are on the surface of that dot in the middle of the paper and when you zoom in on the dot you can see they are only floating on the surface of a bubble. That visual was very powerful for me, I could see them as something separate and alien to me. Something I can experience, but that I totally control how long they can stay or how intense they can become. As Hale finished talking about the paper and the dot and we got ready to do the first release I nearly started to panic and I had to pause the cd and just breath deep and release a bit before I could continue. It seemed to me like I was really scared to let go of my old way of thinking. My silly brain is seriously trying to stay in the rut that has been created there. Once I got myself under control again I restarted the cd…
     The first emotion on the chart was Apathy. For me apathy really boiled down to the feeling that I don’t matter. I have struggled with that for, well my whole life. I have had that feeling reinforced in me repeatedly and has been something I have fought very much to be rid of to push down inside me. Of course I know now that that will never work and only by getting rid of it completely will I be able to feel that I do indeed matter. I have created in my life situations that reinforce that feeling of not mattering over and over. I constantly invite people into my life and then shower them with the love that I should be giving myself hoping they will love me and make me complete.
     Next on the list is Grief, when we welcomed this at the beginning of the release I really felt scared and lonely, and extremely stupid. I wasn’t sure where that was coming from but it didn’t matter I just allowed it in and then let it go. I was starting to feel lighter already with only these two emotions released.
The next emotion to release was Fear and that one for me is a doozey, I have a panic anxiety disorder and have lived many of the last years of my life in a constant state of terror. Terrified that I would make a mistake, that I would or wouldn’t do this thing or that thing. That “something” might happen. And there were so many times that I was afraid for what could be no apparent reason except that I was alive. Its exhausting to be scared all the time. As we started to welcome fear in it felt like such a familiar place to be, it was almost hard to release it when the time came, but release it I did, and that feeling of lightness was nearly like being drunk, the heady fragrance of the lack of it strong in my nose. It felt amazing. It was hard to release that overwhelming sensation but I listened to Hale and let that intoxicating feeling of freedom go too.
     Next up on the list is Lust. Lust is interesting because it has dual connotations for me first it has that feeling of want of strong desire of I cant wait! I feel that a lot, which is counter productive to The Secret Teachings, and SM. Also for me though is the sense that lust is somehow not just the wanting but the sinfulness of wanting. That somehow lust is something that diminishes me as a person or my importance somehow. That to want is to not appreciate what I have or who I am. Conversely its like I think I am something special and who am I to think that? I know that all of this is ridiculous I mean really does it make me less good or important that I breath or need food or want to have a warm place to sleep? Does it serve anyone at all for me to be less than I am or want less than I need to enrich not only my body but my mind and that which is not body or mind but is me? I think it does not. So I welcomed all of those conflicting thoughts and emotions in. I let them swirl inside me and well up, I let them be. When the time came to let all of that go I happily did so. That feeling of lightness is growing.
     Okay next up on the list/bubble, is Anger, yeah no problem finding that emotion. I defiantly have some anger. I could sit here and list to you all the reasons I am angry but really that is just trying to figure it out, make it important and just like our good buddy Hale says the only reason to figure out a problem is if you are planning on having it again. Seriously I couldn’t be more ready to get rid of this emotion in me. Welcoming it in was pretty easy but really so was releasing it. I have harbored it far too long. I know I have more work to do to get it gone from me entirely, but that’s okay I can do it.
     Now we get to pride. This one took me by surprise. When we started to welcome pride in at first I thought I really am not that proud of anything, then all of a sudden it hit me, maybe not but you sure are a self satisfied haughty holier than thou bitch! Actually these feelings came over me with a crash like a tidal wave. They hit me so hard I literally got sick to my stomach and felt like I was going to pass out. I had to actually get on my bed and lay down to finish welcoming and releasing the emotions of it. It really scared me that I was that person. I never ever want to feel that way again. When I finally was able to let go of all of that and get back up I was dizzy and shaky. I had to pause the cd and welcome and release those feelings several more times before I could move forward with the next emotion. I wonder if Hale has ever had anyone in a seminar have such a strong physical reaction to a release? Hale you reading this??? =D
     Which is courage. Courageousness was hard to find in me. Its been a really long time since I felt it. Once I did it was even more difficult to let go of. Hale said that it was hard for some people to let go of courage acceptance and the last which is peace, but that it was important to get past everything so that you can get to yourself. So I let it go and prepared myself for the next emotion on the list Acceptance. Acceptance is something I am only just now starting to do for myself so as you can imagine it was really hard for me to let this go.
     And lastly is peace. Peace is something I have rarely glimpsed in my life. I am not familiar with it at all. It was difficult to recognize. And frankly I am not at all sure I even reached it. I actually want to do the cd over but I know that I am not supposed to and since I already have I wont do it twice.
     Just the act of writing this has brought it all back up in me and it has taking some time cause I ended up having to release quite a bit of it over again. So as you can imagine I am a tad tired. I think that I will leave the post here for now Reader and let you read this while I marinate on what the next post should be. I am going to keep going over the notes I made when I listened and read the work book again before I do cd 4 (tomorrow?). So I may post about it again before 4 but who knows Reader, who knows.
Until then Reader keep exploring yourself, and thanks for riding along,

Jammy