Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Trip, Stumble, Fall... hard

For along time my sense of self worth has been tied into my importance to others, I would imagine that has become evident if you have read my past blogs. I am working on changing that, but it becomes increasingly clear that I do indeed still have some work to do there. Being incredibly stupid… not helping. I place far too much importance on relationships with people who are unable or unwilling to return the favor. I know this. I am not sure how this works though, as I gain more and more love and respect for myself, how will I interact with the people in my life that I have attracted to me that while I do love, I have obviously taught to treat me with disregard and a general lack of consideration? Arash the life coach I spoke with told me that I need to not worry about it because its not my business, they will respect my journey or not and its not for me to worry about, and I suppose to a certain extent that is true, it’s a scary thought. I try to be really open with my friends, the people I choose for my family, I don’t want to but I think I really have to just maybe stop doing that so much. At least until I am able to really get myself in a good place where I am healed and stronger. Where my love for myself is a cushion between me and the insensitivities of people who love (?) me, and trust that as I treat myself better I will attract people to me that will also treat me with kindness and respect. Some times its hard to understand where such inconsideration could come from when its so alien a thing from what you yourself are. I know the fact that I even wish for love from outside of myself means I am still on a road to finding myself and what I need me to be for me. I am trying so hard to release this need for outside sources of acceptance and love. I am, but damn is a little support really so much to ask for? And I feel so stupid for wishing that the ones I loved understood how much I love them, how much I needed them right now in this journey I am undertaking, or needed me in their lives as much as I need them to be in mine. I get so used to that connection and I wish I didn’t. It hurts a lot when you become aware that you aren’t as essential to someone(s) as they are to you. I will find a way to release the importance of that in my life somehow. I suppose even if its only for self preservation, but really I don’t want to stop loving people as much as I do I would prefer to love me just as much. How do you manage to love people and it not be too much? Maybe what I am supposed to do is just love myself and forsake all the rest for now, I cant imagine even trusting myself to choose a mate, when I am still choosing friends who can’t refrain from treating me like some park trick. I am going to get this right I know that I will but the process is ongoing and I am so tired of being less than, and knowing that I am the one that did it to myself, it certainly doesn’t make any of this easier to accept. Damn it I am so fucking mad at me right now!

     I am starting to read the Sedona Method stuff tonight so I will be blogging on that in the next day or two.

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