Thursday, May 26, 2011

Busy Busy Busy

Hello Reader, 
     I know it has been a few days since my last post, and that last post was a tad on the small and lame side of things. It is my wish that today makes up for it. I have been restless the last few days with tumbling thoughts and whirling emotions. I have been releasing madly and reading much, I have listened to the second cd of SM, apparently lost a dear friend, and made some new ones. Its been busy.
     Let me start off by saying I am feeling beyond sad to have lost a friend that means a lot to me. Losing her point of view, laughter, love, wisdom, and friendship is an ache in my heart that releasing has not been able to completely lessen, I think that is indicative of the importance I place on her friendship. She is mad at me over the drama that happened a couple of weeks ago now, that I mentioned but didn’t explain in previous blogs. I understand how she feels I am mad at me too. I should have handled things a slightly different way but the end result would have been the same regardless, and that is something I don’t think she understands. What hurts me the most about it all is that first she just jumped to conclusions over a text conversation since she wouldn’t give me the courtesy to speak to me, and second is that thru out the entire mess, not once has she even asked me if I am okay. Actually only two of my friends have been at all supportive or loving to me thru out this. I have tried to go back in game and play, I am not finding any joy in it. I realized it was my friends I wanted… not WoW. Its probably time to just move on. If the friendships I have made in this game are at all real they wont need the game to sustain them and if they are not… then they are not. I am not going to beat myself up to please other people anymore, and I am most certainly not going to force myself to associate with people who have no regard for me to please anyone either. I feel sad that my making a mistake in the way I handled the situation has turned into an unforgivable sin, it was only a mistake after all not a personal attack on anyone. Here is the thing though, all of this says much more about me than anyone else and I recognize that. I know that I have attracted this whole mess to me. I created it myself. I trusted, and loved where it was inappropriate and I then I expressed myself badly. It is my need for outside sources of love and validation that ultimately caused the situation and that is something that will get better with time, and much releasing on self hatred and distrust. That is something that is getting better in me daily….
     And speaking of releasing, as I mentioned I did listen to the second cd of SM a couple of days ago. I haven’t written a lot about it yet for a couple of reasons. The first being that I was still allowing all of the drama I created to be my main focus this week and also because once I did set everything aside and listened to the second cd I really wanted to explore it before saying anything. The cd starts by asking you first to make a list of the things that you are hoping to change/get from this course/method. I did make a list. I am not going to share with you everything on the list some of the items are really quite personal and I may at some point share them with you Reader but for now here are some of the things that I put on the list that I would like to either change or manifest in my life by using The Sedona Method…
Be a stronger person
Love myself
Be more loving with others
Financial independence/Profession/Business(s)
Be more Calm/ Less afraid
Finish writing a book(s)
Trust myself
     The list is actually a bit longer but like I said a few of the things I am just going to hold to myself a tiny bit, for now. Most of the things on the list are actually things that I am gaining more of daily. Self love, trust, strength. I have more room to grow, but that is going to be true till the day I leave this planet, and the thing is I am making an effort to bring all of these things in to reality. I am also releasing about them constantly. Just the act of welcoming my feelings and thoughts, a process so foreign to me a couple of weeks ago has become almost second nature to me. Every time (nearly) I start to feel badly or negatively I remember I have another option. I don’t have to be a slave to that feeling. Its not me, its not a reflection of me. It just is. I don’t have to keep it. Some times I can really picture myself inside this body flinging open a set of shutters on a window letting the emotions pass thru like a breeze, and I lift my face to feel it go by, to experience that which is passing thru me, but is not me. In this cd and in the workbook Hale explains that there are many times in your life where you have been forced by circumstance to let things go, and that it is really a natural ability that we forget over time as we learn to interact with the world around us. That is very similar to what Bob Proctor says in his videos about paradigms. These teachers from The Secret movie are pretty smart guys. I feel very blessed to have attracted this into my life when I did. I am so grateful.
     A lot of the second cd focused on rejection, rejection of the feelings and rejection of self. I have to say, that is me all over the place. There is very little about me that I haven’t rejected in some way or another in my life. I like that Hale explains that rejection is just another emotion. Just another thing I can let go if I choose to, yeah, I choose to. In the second cd Hale really goes over how problems in your life are really just appearances, that once you release the energy, once you let go of what ever you perceive to be your problems they will right themselves. Its our focus on them, our attempt to fix them that makes them real. And really… how can you beat yourself up for shit that isn’t even really there unless you make it be. Expression and repression are such a part of all our lives that we constantly use them to make problems real. To infuse them with a sense of importance, when the real importance is happening below the feelings the real you is in the spaces where that problem doesn’t exist. And that you is smiling at how funny you are making everything all dramatic. There is this line in cd 2 where Hale says “Tell your mind to look for trouble and it will find it.” I am always looking for trouble. I have been trying to exist in the spaces between. The spaces where all of my molecules are vibrating to create this body. I am living in there somewhere and I am trying to just be there. Just exist. To explore that nothing/everything that is me.
     I am noticing more and more where I used to have physical manifestations of my constant battle with my emotions, and myself. My shoulders, they have gotten much looser. My back doesn’t hurt like it used to, and in my throat I would always have this strangled feeling which has been stubbornly hanging on but is lessening with every release. I am also crying so much less. So much less. And when I do cry it seems more like a cleansing and less like a defeat. I am having less instances of panic and anxiety as well. I am feeling more light and bouncy when I am walking and I am laughing and smiling lot more. I have been looking forward to the rest of my life more like an adventure and less like a chore and that is something that gives me tremendous relief. I was for a long time wondering how I could possibly make it thru another thirty or forty years of this crap and then came the movie The Secret that started me on this journey. I am so happy to be on this path, and I am thrilled you have joined me Reader. Thank You. I am so grateful for this journey, and I am so grateful for you. 
     I have had some new neighbors for a few weeks, they have seemed like really sweet people since the first day they moved in. We have been friendly with each other since day one, and over the last few days we have started talking more and more, they are just really down to earth sweet people who are interesting and lovely to talk to. I am enjoying the budding friendship with them, we have much in common including The Secret, and an openness and willingness to explore life. It was really awesome to be able to talk to people about what I am doing and experiencing with out sensing the inner eye roll. You know what I mean Reader. You are all excited about something and you tell a loved one and you can tell just by how they are nodding and smiling that inside they are really rolling their eyes.
I will be listing to cd 3 tonight, more to follow for sure!

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