The Law of Attraction Learning Curve.

     Hello Reader, last time we were together I talked to you about learning to recognize how you use the Law of Attraction (LoA) whether you want to or not, and how much living in a negative state of mind creates exactly that experience in your life. Once you have allowed yourself to accept that you can begin to shift that paradigm, or way of thinking, and change your experience. You hear a lot about “positive thinking” when you first start exploring the LoA and begin searching for tools to assist you in your journey and that is all well and good, but if you don’t change your paradigm, your thought foundation, all you are doing is putting a happy face on a hopeless one, and to quote one of my favorite teachers Hale Dwoskin, “That never changed anything.“ With out doing the ground work you need to BE a happy person instead of pretending that you are one, you will likely alienate yourself away from that which you need the most.

　

     What I have found to be true as I continue to work on my thinking, is that I must keep at it constantly, negative thoughts are a habit that needs to be broken much like a smoker must get past the habitual grabbing for a cigarette. It is a learned behavior, and you can unlearn it. As much as you may want to take a break and let yourself “relax” into old habits you cant indulge in that type of thing. Allowing a negative thought to blossom is only inviting more of the same. If you have spent all day working on your attitude and you slip into negativity it is very important that you recognize that, notice it as the opportunity that it is to grow in this moment. Be grateful for each of your negative thoughts, because they are only there to allow you to change, to show you that you have something that needs to be let go. Like anything there is a learning curve with the LoA, and when you are talking about learning skills that can change your life, it can be easy to put too much pressure on yourself. You have to keep at it that is true, but something else Hale says is “to be easy on yourself” and he is right. You have been practicing your current way of life for a long time, and your current reality has a certain momentum, so if you just applied the brakes give yourself a chance to slow down.

     For most of us changing our paradigm is not something that is going to happen over night. I know that has been the case with me. It is something I continue to work on every moment of every day. I am always exploring new paths, new teachers and new tools to use in my journey to self discovery, and its very important to understand that just like any new skill its going to take time to get the hang of it, and practice to master it. You may need to spend some time finding just the right tools for the job at hand or you may get lucky with your first selection. Whatever the case don’t give up. The reward is you. Your true powerful self. And that is a beautiful thing.

The Law of Attraction, and Subconscious Thinking

     Hello there Reader, once again its time to wander down the road of my Journey, thanks for tagging along. If you have been reading my blog you know I have come to recognize the Law of Attraction in my life. You may be asking “Why do you say recognize the law of attraction, Jammy?”  Well let me explain it like this, its just like the Law of Gravity. Gravity is working whether you know it is or not. Gravity doesn’t care that you don’t understand how it works. It‘s still keeping you firmly grounded to the planet, but it is also the force that will cause you to hit that ground hard when you trip and fall (like I did walking the dogs last night hehe), its just always there doing its job. The Law of Attraction is no different. It doesn’t care if you “believe” in it or not. The Law of Attraction doesn’t care if you think you can outsmart it, and it certainly doesn’t care if you attract knowingly or blindly. Its still there, doing its job. It can be easy to reject the Law, when it appears to be giving you things you don’t think you have asked for, but make no mistake you are asking all the time.

     When people first find out about the Law, most of what they learn about it is how you can manifest the life of their dreams, which of course you can, and should do, but its easy to gloss over the fact that the life of your nightmares can also created by you. You choose your creation with your predominant thoughts and emotions. To begin to create the life you desire you must begin with the fundamental foundation from which you are creating. Knowing that you have the power to create your life is like suddenly finding out you have the powers of a Genie, but consider this; In the TV show I Dream of Jennie, Jennie knew she could manifest whatever she wanted, sometimes she didn’t manifest it exactly how she pictured it but everything she created came from a place of love for Major Nelson, so it always ended up turning out okay in the end, but her evil “sisters” plans never worked out the way she wanted, her negative motivation always manifested more negativity. My point? The Law of Attraction is responding to your state of mind no matter what that state is, and no amount of “positive thinking” is going to change anything until you change your underlying way of thinking, your paradigm. The thoughts under your thoughts, your subconscious.
 

     I am not going to tell you that changing your way thinking is going to be easy, it may be, but probably not. You have to be prepared to be diligent, you simply do not have the luxury to indulge yourself by wallowing in negative and limiting behavior if you are ever going to change your life. Take the experiences that come your way as opportunities to learn and grow whether they be what you thought you were creating or what you actually were creating. It is very easy to dismiss the Law of Attraction when something appears that we don’t want to admit we attracted, but when that happens you have a clear choice, you can get angry and frustrated, complaining that the Law of Attraction has let you down (as if you had no part in it), or you can be grateful for what you can learn from it, grateful that you are about to grow, it is then that you are attracting more to be grateful for. Reader there are many wonderful EFT (emotional freedom techniques) tools out there to help you make this change, meditation, Tapping, Sedona Method, just to name a few, and just as many wonderful teachers, don’t be afraid to change your life. You are the only one who can after all.

Jammy

　

　

Getting to the nitty gritty.

     Hello there Reader, I haven’t posted in a few days, I know, but I am going to listen to more Sedona tonight and wanted to touch base with you before I do so. I have been working hard on how much I want approval the last couple of days. I have been releasing about it nearly nonstop. With every release a different face, or situation comes to my mind, a lot of them more than once of course, but with each emergence there is less substance to each one, they have less of a hold on me. In the end, as is usually the case, it was really finally about me approving myself. I feel like I have gotten to a new level of me, and I am open to having more to do but also grateful to be where I am now. Let me explain.

     It took time for me to finally get to the truth of it, and I would imagine its not that much different for most everyone else, but it caused me a good deal of shame to realize that what I wanted was to be special, be better. Yes, better than everyone else. It sounds just awful to say it out loud, but it is true. I am sure sometimes even you feel that way don’t you? I can tell you that the second I admitted that I felt that way, I felt another shift in my brain. I was able to release that desire to be better than anyone, and get even deeper into the understanding that I am exactly the same as you. As everyone else. EXACTLY. Maybe we are on different paths, or on different parts of our journey but we are the same none the less. Figuring this out allowed me to open up in a new way to loving myself and accepting myself. It felt, like I was flying, that I had allowed me to enter into a space where I can be better, better than the me I was before. That is the only better that will ever make a difference, it’s the only better any of us can ever be. It can be difficult to look at your motivations honestly but doing so is the heart of this work, and I am grateful for every opportunity to become more.

     I have mentioned to you a couple times now how I am feeling my brain move, or change, or something. I am not sure what that brain feeling is, but I do love it. I have thought about it though. Is it a new brain pathway forming? Is it me settling into myself more? Is it my thoughts expanding? I don’t know. It just sort of feels like a shifting more than anything else. I only know it means I am changing. I know it means I am growing and that is enough for me. When I wonder about that too much I totally hear Hale saying, “Are you trying to figure it out?” That makes me smile, and I remember to let go trying figure it out. I can I hear his voice a lot these days and every time I do it gently reminds me to be good to myself and remember that I have spent a really long time learning to live an awful stunted life. Changing that will take the rest of my days. I am quite excited.

     Reader before I go and get back to the job at hand I want to take a moment and Thank You. Your comments, tweets, emails, & facebook messages have been beyond amazing. Your love and support and encouragement are such a fantastic surprise and reflection of the law of attraction for me and I hope that in some way I am able to give that back to you. I hope you always remember to be nice to yourself Reader, I have learned how destructive it is to be mean to yourself, and if you take anything away from my blog I hope it is to show yourself loving respect. I am so grateful for you, and I love you so much. Sharing my road with you is my passion, and I am so happy to have you on the journey. Never hesitate to contact me. I love to hear from you and read and respond to everything I get.

Thanks xoxo
Jammy

Can't get the Law of Attraction working for you?

     I think that too many people have the impression that the Law of Attraction is like having a magic wand, and when they realize that is not the case they give up. That could have very well happened to me. When I first watched the movie The Secret, I was certain that was all the information I needed to be the person I was meant to be. The thing about that thinking is that all though I was happy on the surface, all the things that I had collected over the years that obscure the me that is always present, always whole, was still there. All I was really doing at that point was putting a happy face on my sadness. If I had not kept searching for more than the message of the movie I would still be stuck in my old ways of thinking wondering why the law didn't work for me, or why I couldn't get it right.

     It was really only a few weeks after watching the movie the first time that I started to question that maybe the message of this movie, the words of all these teachers was not all I needed to know. The thing about the movie that always bothered me is that it doesn't really talk about how to get to those good feelings where you can manifest good things. It says feel good do things that make you feel good, okay that is fine but what are those things. Most of us cant spend unlimited amounts of time and money on feeling good all the time, and even if we could it seems unlikely it would make you feel loving toward yourself all the time. I needed a how to! So I went back to God and asked for a way to LIVE the secret. A flood of information came to me, The Zeitgeist Movement, The Venus Project, Try it on Everything (The Tapping Solution), Magnus' Tapping.com, and most recently The Sedona Method.

     I am still working on the Sedona Method and I still use Magnus' tapping as well, particularly the chakra clearing. I find the SM to be the most effective for me to rid myself of unwanted emotions, beliefs, and everything else I do to hold myself back. I just finished up on the 8th and 9th cds which are still in the part of the method concerning effortless wealth and success, and I still find myself going deeper than I ever thought I could inside. I find that as soon as I welcome the emotion I have chosen to work on in that release it starts to dissipate before I even start to let go consciously. The next part of the program deals with relationships and I am looking forward to that, I am hoping it will take me even deeper into myself than I have gotten to so far. It is a very different experience for me not being afraid of my emotions, not to deny my power.

     All of these stops on the road I am traveling have had their affect on me. All of them have pointed me in this direction on my journey, a direction that I would have never found on my own, if I hadn't asked. All of these tools have come to me through the law of attraction, as have you Reader. I am grateful for the tools I have found to release the energy of old and unwanted emotions and the limiting thinking, that have held me back my entire life. I am grateful for you. The energy you bring to this page infects me. The love I send out to you through these words are reflected back to me a million times. Every step you have taken has led you to this moment, to this blog, to this connection with me. If you haven't found the tools you need for the life of your dreams , maybe the tools I have found will help you, maybe not. What I do know is that if you ask for the answer, it will be given to you, as long as you are open to receive it. Reader as always, I am so happy you stopped by,

Thanks for riding along
Jammy.

Back in Sedona using the Method.

     Hello again Reader. Thanks for stopping by, I love it when you do. I spent my weekend with Hale from SM coming out of my speakers, in the form of cds five and six. I usually only listen to one before I post a blog but cd 5 was so similar to 4 that I flowed right into six, it just felt like they all fit together.

     The work on both the cds really centers around four main points, recognizing them and letting them go. They are, wanting control, approval, security, and wanting to be one (or separate). At the core, the root of all that you desire in your life, you will find one of these four things. Like the work in cd 4 you also examine these core issues from both sides. So if you are working on control then you are dealing with the desire to control and be controlled. When we were releasing on control it was kind of hard for me to admit to myself that what I really wanted the most was to be controlled, taken care of, but once I did the need for it seemed to almost float away from me. Since then a few moments have manifested where I guess I needed to test myself? I don’t know but I left my lights on in my car and it wouldn’t start. Something like that would have in the past brought on a panic attack or at least anxiety. I got irritated but I just opened inside (like Hale says) and I remember thinking the next person I see will help me. Sure enough, he did. Ten minutes later I was on my way home. Smiling. I also have a broken computer. That would have normally had me freaking out, instead I just put my intentions out for a way to solve it and borrowed my friends computer in the mean time. Its true that your feelings affect how you react and how you function. I am functioning better everyday.
While I was listening to Hale talk about control, all of a sudden I could see all of us, humans, and we were floating on the earth like it’s a bubble. Some of us were just flowing with the currents in the surface of the bubble but some of us were just stuck in one place thrashing and fighting trying so hard to control the flow of the whole bubble. So busy thinking that their fruitless efforts mattered or made a difference, that they couldn’t even see they are the ones ruining the bubble for everyone. I felt a little silly to realize how much I am one of the ones thrashing around.

     The two wants I am struggling with the most in my life are approval and security. Even just writing that, gave me a tight feeling in my throat which means I have more releasing to do. I have done a lot of creating situations where I am either not feeling secure or I am being disapproved of. I think recognition on this one is half the battle for me, because even though my throat is a bit tight right now, it doesn’t compare to how strongly I have felt those wants before. Every time I ever thought about why I wanted a lot of money it was “so I never have to worry again.” I do seemed to have attracted to me the opposite of what I want so that the cd also focuses on wanting both sides is crucial for me here. I am glad to be conscious of the ways that I am creating this scenario so I am able to change it.

     Approval I am searching for, everywhere. It is getting easier everyday though to recognize that and release it. Some of the places that it is easy to get caught up in that are, Twitter, why did they stop following me? Or My Blog, Why did I not get more hits or comments? But just like struggling for security or control, by approving, or accepting myself I create the space where I am approved. The opposite of that though is what I have manifested most in the past, I can see now by stepping back a bit how I while wanting approval did the things that brought disapproval instead so it is important for me to release on both sides of that issue just like the others.

     Today I was talking to a friend about twitter and how some people just talk on twitter and some just advertise, and that I like to follow the ones who talk because the ones who just advertise have a manipulative energy. The second I said that I felt the energy in me shift. I felt my motivations shift. I felt a new level of tension leave my body. I started to become aware of many of the ways that I am manipulative. I am thankful for this opportunity to grow, its easy for my brain to try and slip back into old habits but becoming aware of it has made it easy for me to stop it when it starts to happen. 
     Reader, if you find yourself similarly stuck in an old way of thinking remember that you can easily release that by opening inside and examining the feeling and letting it go. Keep in mind emotions are not you and as a separate thing from you can be dismissed if you so desire.  If you are interested in this method you can get more information here, Sedona Method and as always Reader,

Thanks for riding along
Jammy

Last minute thoughts before I get back to Sedona.

     As I sit down today to listen to the next SM cd I felt restless and it occurred to me that maybe I had a few things I needed to get out of me a bit before I could move on. The LoA has tried to make itself known to me many times before. A couple of times I started to grasp it but most of the things you read about it are more the end result and less a how to on getting there, and I needed more tools to help me find the place that inside me that these people had found inside themselves. Frankly it made me feel like I was too stupid to get it, or not blessed by God enough to be gifted with it. Honestly I think that a lot of the people who write these types of books do so from a place of look at how awesome I am instead of look at how awesome you can be, here let me show you how. That is what I like so much about Joe Vitale, Bob Proctor, and Hale Dwoskin, they don’t point at themselves and say look at my greatness. They look at you and say here is your greatness. Take it. I feel like I am still taking baby steps on this path I have stepped on called self acceptance, but I am taking them. I keep reminding myself to congratulate the small steps as well as the big ones. I have to stop being so mad at myself for taking so long to find this path.

  
     All this time I have been searching, searching for something that once added to me would then make me whole and complete, when the exact opposite process of elimination of those things that aren’t me has been the right road to take the whole time. Not a diminishing but a removing. I have started to picture myself inside like a beautiful red rose, that has started to bloom. The rose keeps opening and opening, it never stops, and as the old petals drop way, the petals that don’t belong, a beautiful light deep in the center is slowly uncovered. Each petal that opens and eventually drops away is one more limiting belief that I am letting go, and the light is the true me deep inside. Each shaft of light that is revealed by the blooming is another aspect of me that has been pushed down, stunted, buried. Some of that was done by others and some by me. The tools I am using now to do this work come from many sources. But the work is mine. I am doing it. I am growing this beautiful garden of me. I am letting myself reach for the sun, and when I resist it I remember what I learned on SM resistance cd and release it and I try to remember to always thank God for another opportunity to grow and release my inner light. And to always be easy with myself.

    
     I was in the shower the other day, it was right after I got Joe’s book and joined the group on Facebook that started up around it. I was channeling this crazy, crazy energy and I all of a sudden I had this inspiration, and I opened my arms lifted my face and said, “God take my energy!” I kept saying it over and over, and the most amazing thing happened. I could feel my energy whoosh out of me and as it happened I realized that as fast as it was flowing from me it was also coming to me just as fast and just as strong, hell if I am totally honest it was way more. It was then that it became crystal clear to me that my energy is God’s energy. That what I give to him I receive back. It was the clearest most joyful moment I have ever experienced in my life. Every day I think I get a tiny bit closer to living like that every day.
    
     Before I go, in Joe’s book at the end of the chapters for each of the steps he gave us action steps to take. I wanted to share mine with you for the first step.

1 Limiting Beliefs About Money	2 Opposite of Those Beliefs
I haven’t earned it	Who Says?
I am meant to be poor	I am meant to be what I want
I am not lucky	I create my life

　
3. Other beliefs that keep me down, are that I am lazy, forgetful, and not as good as everyone else, the opposite of those things is that my attitude gives me energy, I remember everything I need to and I am just as awesome as I want to be. I get better everyday at trusting myself and the greater good that guides us all. I am so grateful to have been given the tools I need to create the life I deserve and desire. I am going to do everything in my power to be everything that I can and help as many people do the same as God will let me touch. Just the thought of it humbles me.

Thanks Reader for taking this ride with me,
Jammy

This Amazing Energy

     So my intention when I listed to the forth cd of SM had been to make some notes maybe write up a bit of a post and move on to cd five. Well, that didn’t happen. After I finished the cd, and I finished jotting down my initial thoughts i just sort of sat back and let the info gel a little. I had released like mad on my resistance, and I just kept going with it for a while. I was really in a flow and I wanted to keep it going. After a while though I started to think about resistance in general, and how so many things pretty basically boil down to resistance at their core. So many things were just flowing thru my mind, ways that I was resisting by trying to change or figure out what is instead of just opening and allowing everything, including me, to just be. This cd was really powerful for me, and I could feel the power of its message moving in me on a very deep level, a level of myself that maybe I haven’t spoken to in a while, if ever. I could really feel the flow start to move thru me as I did this work.

     When I decided to take a break from the cds and writing, I went to check emails, facebook etc. and I had been invited by Joe Vitale to read for free one of his books about how to attract wealth called Attract Money Now. Link below with the other teacher’s links of course. Joe is one of my favorite teachers from the movie The Secret, so you know I was super excited to see his email., and was signing up for that free ebook as quick as my browser would open the page. Not long after getting the link and sinking into what I anticipated to be a good book, I got an invite to a group that one of Joe’s readers/fans started for people who are reading the book and using the steps to create wealth. Now before you get all crazy on me and say Hey Jammy I thought you were all about self discovery and not money. Let me say this. Wealth is not just money, but yes money is a part of it, just like a wealthy life has lots of friends and love and health. Now I am no different than you, or anyone else. I eat, I need to drink, I need to be warm. In the system we live in now you have to have money to get those things. So I need money. Just like you. Money doesn’t make me important. I doesn’t make me loveable. It doesn’t make me happy. I do really enjoy being well fed, warm, and well hydrated. So having said that lets all agree we need money. Its just the reality of the situation. So this group formed and we all started to gather. We ATTRACTED each other. There is just no other way to explain it. The energy of this group, 1300 strong in a couple of days, is simply infectious. In my previous blog I mentioned that I woke up so happy that I started to laugh. That doesn’t even compare to the way I felt when I ended my day after manifesting in my life this amazing group. The book its self was a gift I will be grateful for all my days, this group is like a bonus Christmas morning to a 5 year old.

     It was only just a day or two ago I was thinking about my blog and how I wanted to increase the amount of people I was able to expose it too, I remember thinking about it and welcoming all the thoughts and feelings that surrounded it and releasing it. The energy that came back to me, thru this group, was more than I had even anticipated. I am still taking in all of the ways that I manifested from this releasing. The links on the groups page, the ideas that have generated in me, the increased traffic to this page, are all still coming at me like a jet stream, and I am more clear, more calm, and more presently involved in my experiences than any time in my life. I am so happy and grateful now that I am actively manifesting positive things, people and experiences into my life. I can feel the momentum building. How about you?

Thanks for riding along,
Jammy

Before I forget. I am only half way thru the book I am taking notes and will give you a full report soon! I promise.

This is the teaching of The Secret in a nutshell!

Resistance is futile.

     I woke up this morning so filled with peace I started laughing almost the second I woke up. Seriously one of the best waking up moments I have ever experienced. My wake ups are getting better with every one that occurs. My former experiences with the start of the day, with rare exceptions, have not been so pleasant. I used to wake up with fear, no, panic rising in my throat like bile. My body would tense up to the point of pain, tears would sting my eyes. My thoughts? They were simply desperate. NO, I don’t want to be awake! No I don’t want to be on this planet! I would ball up against those feelings with everything that I am. I would focus on making them leave me. The difference between then and now is so startlingly dramatic it takes my breath away to make the comparison. Since the day, almost three months ago, that I opened myself up and asked God/Source Energy/The Universe (your choice what you call it) to help me all that has come to me has been working toward this moment. The day after I made that cry my daughter told me to watch a movie. The next day I watched the movie The Secret, from there my journey has taken me so many places. Places I had no idea existed inside me, or anywhere else in this universe for that matter. Since I watched that movie for the first time, I have attracted many things into my life and one of the most important ones is The Sedona Method. If you have been reading my blog you know I have been working the method (link above!), I listened to cd 4 yesterday. It is all about letting go of your resistance. I am positive the way I feel today is a direct result of listening to that cd and the resistance I was able to let go of because of it. So Amazing how good this feels, I anticipate that I will feel even better as I continue to work this program, but right this second, its hard to imagine that I could possibly feel better than this.
    
     So like I mentioned above, cd #4 of the SM is all about that pesky little thing called resistance. The funniest thing I realized during the listening of this cd is the extent to which I was resistant to … I guess everything. Hale starts off by explaining that resistance is basically a glue and its holding all of your negative beliefs and feelings together, binding them into something much more intense. That the very act of resistance makes us much more controllable by any outside source. Its easy to seem like you are in fact the one in control when you aren’t. You can think by resisting your emotions you are controlling them when the actuality of the situation is that if you were in control you wouldn’t be working so damn hard. It is a lot of work to keep things buried. Its effortless to release.

     As I listened to Hale I realized that my constant worrying was in effect a resistance. That everything I worried about messing up I ended up screwing up in one way or another. Just the act of focusing on something with resistance takes your power and joy away from what you are doing, no matter what that might be. When we started to release on resistance he asked to focus inside about something that you are worried about or want to manifest. My very first thought is about money, and really this is for a couple of reasons. First because, well, I want some, and second because during this journey I have started to learn a bit about our financial system. Finding out that money is essentially fake makes it a tiny bit hard for me to wish for it, but the reality of life right now is that I am stuck in this system until we can make a change, so I need to get some money. So I focused inside and started to release. Now the interesting thing about the resistance releasing is that you come at it from both sides. Letting go of the resistance to having it as well as not having it, what ever that it is for you.


     What happened next was the most amazing evidence of this method working to bring about what you want it staggered me a little. Not long into my starting to release my neighbors began to be really noisy and I was having a hard time relaxing, one of my neighbors was having a sidewalk sale and so many people who live here in the complex were gathered around in the driveway of the apartments and out on the sidewalk. My first immediate reaction was to tense up and I thought, “Damn it just as I was getting started.” I kid you not, the second that thought (feeling) left me the noise outside burst into a cacophony. I sat there for a second, then all of a sudden it came to me. I thanked God for the opportunity to do something different and I just opened. I welcomed the irritation and desire to be in a quieter place I was feeling, then I just let it go. I looked at the other side for any resistance I had to it being more quiet and let that go too. Almost immediately upon finishing this release the group outside moved around to the front of the building and quieted. I don’t mean a little, I mean I could barely hear them at all. Blew me away.

     Hale was talking about how we cant forget to appreciate the progress we make no matter if it is a huge break thru or a tiny step, he said something that really got me, “There is a momentum to the way you have been living.” As soon as he said that I could picture (don’t ask me why) a train, that train is barreling toward these huge rubber bands extended between poles on either side of the tracks. Twenty of them to be exact, that’s how many cds there are imagine that. As the train begins to hit these bands it slows down, and when it reaches the last one the bands spring up launching it up into space as it transforms into a spaceship soaring higher and higher and higher. There are no limits.

Thank for riding Reader!
Jammy

Keep Moving!

     I haven’t been able since doing the processes on cd three yesterday afternoon to kick some of the things that it brought up in me. I know I need to move on in the series go to cd four and not forget about it or anything, but keep the momentum flowing forward. I am struggling with it. The sense of who the fuck do you think you are is so strong in me today I am shaking with it. I just cant seem to release the feeling inside me that I need to be quashed, stopped, not allowed to keep exploring this avenue that is bringing to me so much enlightenment of self. That somehow what I am is so damaged, or insignificant that my wanting to be more is somehow an affront to everything else that is. Even as I write this I can see the ridiculousness and truth in the statement. The truth is that it is exactly how I feel about myself and weather or not its been taught to me externally or something intrinsically me, there it is. The ridiculousness of it is simply who in the hell am I to let down not only myself, but God, and everyone else that I could be helping if I wasn’t wallowing in my own self indulgent stupidity. Not to mention the constant judgment of myself which I guess if I look at this posting objectively that is exactly what I am doing today, and need to stop right now.
     I know all of this is just me trying to fit back into that groove I was so used to existing in, that in many ways the new places I am going in myself and exploring outside of me as well are wonderfully exciting and terrifying in equal measure. Alternating and flickering on and off inside me at exhilarating speeds. I can barely keep up with any of it. I guess the point is to not try. To just open up and let it flow.
     Just writing this down for you Reader has helped me tremendously to center and calm the thoughts and emotions swirling inside me so that now I think I am able to sit still for a minute and release it. I think a chakra clearing might be in order as well. Ya think? Then maybe its time for a cd. I am learning Reader, thanks for tagging along on the ride!

Jammy
　

Still Exploring!

     I start this cold dreary day with those precise emotions inside me as well. Tears greet my eyes upon waking, and I know not why. I feel particularly broken today. God, please tell me I am not to broken to fix. Please.
     I very nearly erased those words when I came back to this page today, I decided not to. I was the truth when I wrote it. I took hours to shake that off me and finally release it, in fact its still lingering around a bit on the edges. Tiny wisps of feeling trying to curl their way back out from the nooks and crannies where it tries to hide from me when I am letting go of all that is inside me that isn’t me. Finally decided that I need to clear out my chakras and went to Tapping and used the chakra clearing tap and I feel a million times better.
     All of the above was on Sunday, I ended up not listening to the third cd because my next door neighbors had a party, and they weren’t outrageous or anything but it was right outside my window so I knew I wouldn’t be able to really settle into the cd or be able to release anything effectively so I just decided to screw around for the rest of the day. I did listen to the third SM cd today though and I am super glad I did. I feel much lighter now and feel like I am even more on the right track.
     So after some coffee and a chakra clearing tap I got started. The third cd is really got a lot of releasing going on and so what I am going to do is just quickly touch on what I felt as I released each of the emotions in the chart of emotions, and I will explain what that is now. At the beginning of the cd Hale does a visual for the class and it is in the workbook too for folk like myself that are doing this work from the cds. The visual is nothing more than a plain white sheet of paper with a tiny dot in the center. And he explains that paper is our selves and the dot is the problems we perceive ourselves to have, and the reason that they seem so out of proportion to everything else going on around us is that we are all pressed up against the dot and that is all we can see. That really made a lot of sense to me. Its impossible to really see anything but a small view of yourself and your life and your problems if you are so focused on the problem and you cant let it go. Its kind of like when (ladies you will know what I mean here) you get that magnifying mirror out and start looking at your pores. You cant see how beautiful your skin is because all you can see is how big your pores are. So when your problems seem so huge its completely impossible to really appreciate that you have not only options but that you are beautiful, whole and complete.
      The chart of emotions are really just what are on the surface of that dot in the middle of the paper and when you zoom in on the dot you can see they are only floating on the surface of a bubble. That visual was very powerful for me, I could see them as something separate and alien to me. Something I can experience, but that I totally control how long they can stay or how intense they can become. As Hale finished talking about the paper and the dot and we got ready to do the first release I nearly started to panic and I had to pause the cd and just breath deep and release a bit before I could continue. It seemed to me like I was really scared to let go of my old way of thinking. My silly brain is seriously trying to stay in the rut that has been created there. Once I got myself under control again I restarted the cd…
     The first emotion on the chart was Apathy. For me apathy really boiled down to the feeling that I don’t matter. I have struggled with that for, well my whole life. I have had that feeling reinforced in me repeatedly and has been something I have fought very much to be rid of to push down inside me. Of course I know now that that will never work and only by getting rid of it completely will I be able to feel that I do indeed matter. I have created in my life situations that reinforce that feeling of not mattering over and over. I constantly invite people into my life and then shower them with the love that I should be giving myself hoping they will love me and make me complete.
     Next on the list is Grief, when we welcomed this at the beginning of the release I really felt scared and lonely, and extremely stupid. I wasn’t sure where that was coming from but it didn’t matter I just allowed it in and then let it go. I was starting to feel lighter already with only these two emotions released.
The next emotion to release was Fear and that one for me is a doozey, I have a panic anxiety disorder and have lived many of the last years of my life in a constant state of terror. Terrified that I would make a mistake, that I would or wouldn’t do this thing or that thing. That “something” might happen. And there were so many times that I was afraid for what could be no apparent reason except that I was alive. Its exhausting to be scared all the time. As we started to welcome fear in it felt like such a familiar place to be, it was almost hard to release it when the time came, but release it I did, and that feeling of lightness was nearly like being drunk, the heady fragrance of the lack of it strong in my nose. It felt amazing. It was hard to release that overwhelming sensation but I listened to Hale and let that intoxicating feeling of freedom go too.
     Next up on the list is Lust. Lust is interesting because it has dual connotations for me first it has that feeling of want of strong desire of I cant wait! I feel that a lot, which is counter productive to The Secret Teachings, and SM. Also for me though is the sense that lust is somehow not just the wanting but the sinfulness of wanting. That somehow lust is something that diminishes me as a person or my importance somehow. That to want is to not appreciate what I have or who I am. Conversely its like I think I am something special and who am I to think that? I know that all of this is ridiculous I mean really does it make me less good or important that I breath or need food or want to have a warm place to sleep? Does it serve anyone at all for me to be less than I am or want less than I need to enrich not only my body but my mind and that which is not body or mind but is me? I think it does not. So I welcomed all of those conflicting thoughts and emotions in. I let them swirl inside me and well up, I let them be. When the time came to let all of that go I happily did so. That feeling of lightness is growing.
     Okay next up on the list/bubble, is Anger, yeah no problem finding that emotion. I defiantly have some anger. I could sit here and list to you all the reasons I am angry but really that is just trying to figure it out, make it important and just like our good buddy Hale says the only reason to figure out a problem is if you are planning on having it again. Seriously I couldn’t be more ready to get rid of this emotion in me. Welcoming it in was pretty easy but really so was releasing it. I have harbored it far too long. I know I have more work to do to get it gone from me entirely, but that’s okay I can do it.
     Now we get to pride. This one took me by surprise. When we started to welcome pride in at first I thought I really am not that proud of anything, then all of a sudden it hit me, maybe not but you sure are a self satisfied haughty holier than thou bitch! Actually these feelings came over me with a crash like a tidal wave. They hit me so hard I literally got sick to my stomach and felt like I was going to pass out. I had to actually get on my bed and lay down to finish welcoming and releasing the emotions of it. It really scared me that I was that person. I never ever want to feel that way again. When I finally was able to let go of all of that and get back up I was dizzy and shaky. I had to pause the cd and welcome and release those feelings several more times before I could move forward with the next emotion. I wonder if Hale has ever had anyone in a seminar have such a strong physical reaction to a release? Hale you reading this??? =D
     Which is courage. Courageousness was hard to find in me. Its been a really long time since I felt it. Once I did it was even more difficult to let go of. Hale said that it was hard for some people to let go of courage acceptance and the last which is peace, but that it was important to get past everything so that you can get to yourself. So I let it go and prepared myself for the next emotion on the list Acceptance. Acceptance is something I am only just now starting to do for myself so as you can imagine it was really hard for me to let this go.
     And lastly is peace. Peace is something I have rarely glimpsed in my life. I am not familiar with it at all. It was difficult to recognize. And frankly I am not at all sure I even reached it. I actually want to do the cd over but I know that I am not supposed to and since I already have I wont do it twice.
     Just the act of writing this has brought it all back up in me and it has taking some time cause I ended up having to release quite a bit of it over again. So as you can imagine I am a tad tired. I think that I will leave the post here for now Reader and let you read this while I marinate on what the next post should be. I am going to keep going over the notes I made when I listened and read the work book again before I do cd 4 (tomorrow?). So I may post about it again before 4 but who knows Reader, who knows.
Until then Reader keep exploring yourself, and thanks for riding along,

Jammy

Random Thoughts

     I started off yesterday with the thought that I don’t have to feel bad about myself today, then I started thinking about the things I had done the day before and ticked each one off as the reasons why I could feel good about myself. I got in a few then I realized what I was doing, and stopped and I remembered I don’t need to beat myself up today or any day. It’s the beating myself up that is keeping all of this going inside me, it is part of the cycle I am trying to break. I am me, that is good enough. And sure, sure I have reasons I could feel bad about myself, who doesn’t, but hating myself for not living up to some unreasonable standard that I had no hand in creating is getting me no where, and in fact is destroying any chance I have of living up to my own needs, my own potential, or even setting any type of reasonable standard for myself. I have rarely extended myself the same courtesy I extend to others, I have always been quicker to forgive anyone but me. Changing this is a constant process, its becoming much more habitual everyday.
     Started to listen to cd three yesterday morning after I did my morning routine… as soon as I realized it was the chart of emotions cd I thought to myself, “Oh shit this is the hard one.” Then I just stopped. I was like why am I putting that label on this? I never did start the cd though. I kept finding things that just had to be done before I could sit down and start that. As I wrote that I realize that it is just my brain fighting to keep thinking in the same ways its used to. I am listing to CeeLo Green right now and he is singing a song called No One’s Gonna Love You (like I do), and all of a sudden I just flipped it and started to sing that to myself. It made me start to laugh out loud. It felt really good. I think it’s the day to listen to that cd.
     Since my first cry out to the universe/God/source energy nearly three months ago, when the movie The Secret first came into my life and started me on this journey that is bringing me all of these new ideas and new ways of thinking , my joy in myself, and my hope for mankind, for all of us, has grown and magnified and blossomed in ways that I could have never anticipated. I am so fortunate that in that moment of despair I was able to some how to come up with the right question, the right expression, that I was able to cry out what I needed and be heard. I am even more fortunate that I was open to the answer when it started to flow to me. My gratitude grows daily, my gratitude for this journey, for myself, and for you Reader. More than you can know sharing this experience with you feels like the most important thing I have ever done. I feel humbled to imagine that you would want to share this road with me. Thank you for coming along. I know this post is on the short side, but I really wanted to get these thoughts out and make them separate from the post I will be writing while/after I listen to SM cd 3.
Thanks again Reader for taking this walk with me.  J

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Busy Busy Busy

Hello Reader, 
     I know it has been a few days since my last post, and that last post was a tad on the small and lame side of things. It is my wish that today makes up for it. I have been restless the last few days with tumbling thoughts and whirling emotions. I have been releasing madly and reading much, I have listened to the second cd of SM, apparently lost a dear friend, and made some new ones. Its been busy.
     Let me start off by saying I am feeling beyond sad to have lost a friend that means a lot to me. Losing her point of view, laughter, love, wisdom, and friendship is an ache in my heart that releasing has not been able to completely lessen, I think that is indicative of the importance I place on her friendship. She is mad at me over the drama that happened a couple of weeks ago now, that I mentioned but didn’t explain in previous blogs. I understand how she feels I am mad at me too. I should have handled things a slightly different way but the end result would have been the same regardless, and that is something I don’t think she understands. What hurts me the most about it all is that first she just jumped to conclusions over a text conversation since she wouldn’t give me the courtesy to speak to me, and second is that thru out the entire mess, not once has she even asked me if I am okay. Actually only two of my friends have been at all supportive or loving to me thru out this. I have tried to go back in game and play, I am not finding any joy in it. I realized it was my friends I wanted… not WoW. Its probably time to just move on. If the friendships I have made in this game are at all real they wont need the game to sustain them and if they are not… then they are not. I am not going to beat myself up to please other people anymore, and I am most certainly not going to force myself to associate with people who have no regard for me to please anyone either. I feel sad that my making a mistake in the way I handled the situation has turned into an unforgivable sin, it was only a mistake after all not a personal attack on anyone. Here is the thing though, all of this says much more about me than anyone else and I recognize that. I know that I have attracted this whole mess to me. I created it myself. I trusted, and loved where it was inappropriate and I then I expressed myself badly. It is my need for outside sources of love and validation that ultimately caused the situation and that is something that will get better with time, and much releasing on self hatred and distrust. That is something that is getting better in me daily….
     And speaking of releasing, as I mentioned I did listen to the second cd of SM a couple of days ago. I haven’t written a lot about it yet for a couple of reasons. The first being that I was still allowing all of the drama I created to be my main focus this week and also because once I did set everything aside and listened to the second cd I really wanted to explore it before saying anything. The cd starts by asking you first to make a list of the things that you are hoping to change/get from this course/method. I did make a list. I am not going to share with you everything on the list some of the items are really quite personal and I may at some point share them with you Reader but for now here are some of the things that I put on the list that I would like to either change or manifest in my life by using The Sedona Method…
Be a stronger person
Love myself
Be more loving with others
Financial independence/Profession/Business(s)
Be more Calm/ Less afraid
Finish writing a book(s)
Trust myself
     The list is actually a bit longer but like I said a few of the things I am just going to hold to myself a tiny bit, for now. Most of the things on the list are actually things that I am gaining more of daily. Self love, trust, strength. I have more room to grow, but that is going to be true till the day I leave this planet, and the thing is I am making an effort to bring all of these things in to reality. I am also releasing about them constantly. Just the act of welcoming my feelings and thoughts, a process so foreign to me a couple of weeks ago has become almost second nature to me. Every time (nearly) I start to feel badly or negatively I remember I have another option. I don’t have to be a slave to that feeling. Its not me, its not a reflection of me. It just is. I don’t have to keep it. Some times I can really picture myself inside this body flinging open a set of shutters on a window letting the emotions pass thru like a breeze, and I lift my face to feel it go by, to experience that which is passing thru me, but is not me. In this cd and in the workbook Hale explains that there are many times in your life where you have been forced by circumstance to let things go, and that it is really a natural ability that we forget over time as we learn to interact with the world around us. That is very similar to what Bob Proctor says in his videos about paradigms. These teachers from The Secret movie are pretty smart guys. I feel very blessed to have attracted this into my life when I did. I am so grateful.
     A lot of the second cd focused on rejection, rejection of the feelings and rejection of self. I have to say, that is me all over the place. There is very little about me that I haven’t rejected in some way or another in my life. I like that Hale explains that rejection is just another emotion. Just another thing I can let go if I choose to, yeah, I choose to. In the second cd Hale really goes over how problems in your life are really just appearances, that once you release the energy, once you let go of what ever you perceive to be your problems they will right themselves. Its our focus on them, our attempt to fix them that makes them real. And really… how can you beat yourself up for shit that isn’t even really there unless you make it be. Expression and repression are such a part of all our lives that we constantly use them to make problems real. To infuse them with a sense of importance, when the real importance is happening below the feelings the real you is in the spaces where that problem doesn’t exist. And that you is smiling at how funny you are making everything all dramatic. There is this line in cd 2 where Hale says “Tell your mind to look for trouble and it will find it.” I am always looking for trouble. I have been trying to exist in the spaces between. The spaces where all of my molecules are vibrating to create this body. I am living in there somewhere and I am trying to just be there. Just exist. To explore that nothing/everything that is me.
     I am noticing more and more where I used to have physical manifestations of my constant battle with my emotions, and myself. My shoulders, they have gotten much looser. My back doesn’t hurt like it used to, and in my throat I would always have this strangled feeling which has been stubbornly hanging on but is lessening with every release. I am also crying so much less. So much less. And when I do cry it seems more like a cleansing and less like a defeat. I am having less instances of panic and anxiety as well. I am feeling more light and bouncy when I am walking and I am laughing and smiling lot more. I have been looking forward to the rest of my life more like an adventure and less like a chore and that is something that gives me tremendous relief. I was for a long time wondering how I could possibly make it thru another thirty or forty years of this crap and then came the movie The Secret that started me on this journey. I am so happy to be on this path, and I am thrilled you have joined me Reader. Thank You. I am so grateful for this journey, and I am so grateful for you.     
     I have had some new neighbors for a few weeks, they have seemed like really sweet people since the first day they moved in. We have been friendly with each other since day one, and over the last few days we have started talking more and more, they are just really down to earth sweet people who are interesting and lovely to talk to. I am enjoying the budding friendship with them, we have much in common including The Secret, and an openness and willingness to explore life. It was really awesome to be able to talk to people about what I am doing and experiencing with out sensing the inner eye roll. You know what I mean Reader. You are all excited about something and you tell a loved one and you can tell just by how they are nodding and smiling that inside they are really rolling their eyes.
I will be listing to cd 3 tonight, more to follow for sure!
Jammy
　
　
　

The List and I love you.

     A few blogs ago I told you about a call I received from a lovely gentleman named Arash, who is a life coach with Bob Proctor. I am still working with the exercises he gave me. One of the things he said to do was to tell myself I love you, every day for 90 days. I have sat here for ten minutes trying to think of words that describe to you how incredibly foreign and strange the words I love you felt coming out of my mouth while I stood in my bathroom looking at me in the mirror. I love so many people. I offer my affection freely to those I love and for a few I offer my complete self as much as I am able. Me, I have been less that kind to me. I keep missing days, I keep avoiding mirrors. I am going to stop doing that today. The other thing that Arash had me do was make two lists 20 items long each. The first one is all the things about me that irritate or upset me about myself. Basically the hate list. The other is the Grateful for, Love List. The first list I am supposed to burn so I can be rid of it. The second one I am supposed to keep with me and look at daily. I am not going to publish the burn list, for obvious reasons, I am going to bring to you now the love list, and I am going to resist the urge to ask your opinion on it. Its not your list. Its mine so I need to be a honey badger about it. The funny thing about this process is that I absolutely expected to be finished with the hate list long before the love list, but I am not. I still need three more things. That makes me smile.
　
THE LIST
1. Nice
2. Funny
3. My way with words
4. Very Considerate
5. Smart
6. Open Minded
7. Loyal
8. Kind
9. Strong
10. Determination
11. That I like to sing
12. Good Dancer
13. Loving
14. Honest
15. My laugh
16. Nice Rack (I know I know but it really is)
17. Curious
18. My Journey
19 Caring
20. That I am trying.
　
Again I am having to resist the urge to write the words How do you like it reader… and all though I did just do that, the fact that I don’t actually mean the question does make it a bit easier to put it down and accept it for what it is. Just a learned behavior, looking to someone else to tell me how to feel about me. I have another blog coming I am working on it now, but I thought this should be by its self.
Cya Soon Reader, J

Learning new ways everyday.

     So I have had a pretty emotionally charged few days since last I posted, Reader. Wednesday, I was nervous all day thinking about the phone call I was to have later that evening with Arash one of Bob Proctors personal coaches. It was something Bob had offered to me free and I was excited but very nervous too. Of course that was just silly, which I came to realize pretty quickly. Arash was a very kind to me and very gentle with me. He and I talked about my current situation and about some of the goals I would like to have put in place by this time next year but most importantly he asked me some things that really had me thinking. First thing I remember him saying to me was, if I could imagine being extremely confident what would it look like, he also asked me if it was possible that the “truths” I believed about myself were in fact someone else’s lies. That really got me thinking. He also gave me a couple of exercises to do, one where I am supposed to tell myself I love you everyday for 90 days, in the mirror for a few minutes. I swear when he said that I lost my breath because the thought of it was so completely foreign to me. I started to cry. I couldn’t help it, but I just kept it quiet. He also told me to make a list of 20 things I do and don’t like about me. Burn the one I don’t like and keep the one I do and look at it every day. Keep it with me. I am still working on making that list but I have it started. I also that night watched a movie. The movie is called Letting Go, its about the Sedona Method of releasing emotion and freeing yourself. Its by one of the secret teachers Hale Dwoskin. All I can say is WOW. It really is pretty simple and powerful stuff. It’s omg  really stupid how easy this is, and why didn’t I think of this way to just let shit go, and its really working for me even more than tapping has been helping, which is significant. I think I may end up with a combo of the two but, I am really working with this welcoming technique I learned from the movie. A very simple welcoming technique. It makes a lot of sense to me in that it’s the exact opposite of what I am doing now which is to just harbor the hurt and emotion, the bad and incorrect ways I think about myself. The technique is simply to welcome the emotions, the thoughts the memories, to open yourself up and let them flow to you like a river. Invite them in, welcome them, welcome the feelings that you have to change it or control it or that it even has anything at all to do with you, and then simply ask yourself if you like the way it feels. NO? Well then, could you let it go? Would you let it go? When? I am sure the answers to those questions are pretty clear. All I can say is this has really has opened me up a lot to being able to deal with the emotions I have, both past and present, and to be able to release them fast. Every time I release something I feel like I have uncovered something of me that has been buried and hidden by what was just let go, I also imagine it like I am my apartment. And that life is a cross breeze and emotions, and experiences are carried on that cross breeze that runs thru my open windows. I can feel the breeze the breeze can blow my curtains maybe even knock over a lamp, or blow my hair, but that breeze is not me. Its just something I experience as it flows thru me but when its gone its gone. I am still there, maybe wiser from the experience but still just me. Nothing more, nothing less, and that is just perfectly perfect as it is. WOW. Seriously I would recommend watching the movie its freaking amazing! I also found a workbook for it online and am gonna check that out too, you know I will bring you what I find out.

     Thursday, I woke up feeling pretty raw from the phone call with Arash, and watching the movie Letting Go, I was also feeling particularly emotional because I had felt really left out the night before when some friends of mine chose to do something that didn’t include me. I shouldn’t have felt bad about it but I did and so that is that. I kind of acted like a jerk about it even while admitting that I was being a jerk. lol So funny. Well anyway when I got up it all worked itself out mostly because I came to the decision (thru releasing) to stop caring about it. Its kinda funny cause the situation hasn’t changed, I am totally being blown off, and I am sure that my friend thinks I am too dumb to realize he is blowing me off, like tonight (Saturday) he asked me to do something in game (WoW), so even though I was kinda doing something else I said yes, because I had been looking forward to playing with him for two days, then after I logged into the game he kept me waiting for over two hours, then blew me off to go chill with our other friend, the one that he keeps blowing me off for, and didn’t even have the consideration to tell me that I was wasting my time waiting for him. Later he even wanted me to drop everything for him again cause our other friend went to bed and he had time for me now… I just started laughing. I already spent some time releasing my irritation with him after I figured out what was up, so the game he is trying to play is just funny to me at this point, that doesn’t mean I am going to keep letting him do it to me, he must think I am an idiot or something. It doesn’t actually matter, because I just don’t care about it anymore. Not that I don’t care about him. That’s not the case in any way. I absolutely adore him and I am sure we will be friends forever, and its just fine for him to chose to spend time with a mutual friend over me, it is not however very nice to be so inconsiderate. When he tried to get me to come back and talk to him later on that night after our friend went to bed I told him I was too busy had wasted enough time waiting for him today and wasn’t going to drop everything for him again. I didn’t get mad I wasn’t emotional, it felt good to just mean what I say and be done with it. I feel really proud about how well I was about to process my irritation and not let it grow out of proportion or turn into anything worse. I feel really strong. I used to always feel like if I could just somehow give everyone I cared about the absolute most love I had in me that I would find it reflected back to me. That they would feel that love and want to return it to me… I really thought that the love I needed was going to come to me that way. I actually believed that the reason that people didn’t love me enough for me to feel secure was my fault. That if I could just love them more then I would feel from them the acceptance and love that I needed to feel complete and whole. That fully boggles my mind to contemplate thinking that way now. I literally feel like I just met myself. Like I just saw me for the first time. I think I might like this girl. She is interesting and funny, she is smart and curious. She is me. I can not describe to you how this feels. I am literally vibrating with joy. Its like I am becoming purely me in a way I haven’t been since the moment of my birth. I am so grateful to feel so overflowing with goodness, love, intentions, ideas, and to be ME. Oh my God, I am me.

I have  plenty more to say but I am tired so this is it for now Reader. More Soon. J

Love, Guilt and LoA

     So last post I was having a pretty good fight with a friend and I want to touch on that quickly to say we have worked it out, he and I spoke and decided to not fight again and really I don’t think we will but mostly because I am just not going to put myself back in the position to be hurt again. I have this irritating tendency to just freely allow myself to love people and when I do I love them the whole way. I don’t skimp out on it. But that can lead to bruised feelings, when it becomes apparent that you are not actually loved in the same way. I want very much to love freely and it not be too much but I just haven’t reached that level of enlightenment yet. When I am faced with the bitter truth that I am not as important to someone as they are to me, it hurts. Ah well I am still learning after all, I will figure it out, but how do I keep loving freely with out destroying who I am? If I am supposed to love everyone as I love myself. Where does the love for me come in? When do I deserve that? Well like I said I am still learning. I guess that I need the love of others means I am not quite good enough at all of this yet. Damn it! Its really hard. Do I learn to just live with less love then I give or do I stop loving period? Do I look for more loving people and just stop offering my love to the people who don’t value me? Crap! I know that the love I am not getting from those around me is love that I am not giving myself. I know that. Its just really hard to start loving myself. I don’t know where to find it sometimes. Then other times it feels so real and easy to access. I don’t want to feel like I don’t matter, and all too often that is exactly how I do feel, and knowing that that comes from me is difficult to deal with. As I tap my emotions are getting easier to understand but my need for love isn’t any lessened. I am able to play with my emotions like I never have before and yet I cant seem to break off a piece of the love.

     It really is crazy miraculous for me how just when I need it the universe thru the LoA sends me exactly what I need to keep going. I have really been asking how I have managed to use the LoA to receive all of this amazing information but I still cant manage to attract to myself that which I need to improve my situation. Today I got a really awesome answer to that question from my good buddy and Secret teacher Bob Proctor. I really love that guy. I would totally marry him. So let me lay it out for you. I had gotten these videos from Bob awhile back and somehow I accidentally deleted them and didn’t realize till it was too late, and I kept meaning to go back to the site and try to find them, but I got busy with some things and so I never did. Well going thru email the other day I found one from Bob and so I decided to go to the site and rather than just look for them I would use my gmail addy and have him send them again and thankfully he did. I just got done watching them and once again I get an answer I am looking for. Bob explained to me a bit about how you get your paradigm and how you can reprogram it. Its crazy how this shit just works. I ask and I get. It doesn’t matter what it is. Mostly it has been a flood of information, starting with the movie The Secret and ending, well never I guess, but not only that, like with the stuff from the state of California wasn’t supposed to come for another month. I just kept saying over and over I need it now I need it now I need it now. It came Saturday. Now as for Bob’s message. It was so on target to what I asked the universe for like three days before. I struggle with feelings of guilt that are way out of proportion to anything I have ever done to anyone, I haven’t really been a malicious person in my life, I have of course made mistakes and I know I have hurt peoples feelings but not usually on purpose, I am not abusive to people I try to be loving and accepting as much as possible. Yet I constantly feel guilty about even the tiniest things or even for caring about myself in even the smallest ways, and I just figured out why, with the help of Bob. He explains in these videos that I watched how before you are born and after you have only your subconscious brain and your conscious brain develops thought as you grow, your subconscious brain is absorbing your surroundings and using that to tell you how to feel about yourself and your world. When I was born my mother and father were not married because my mother had just abandoned her other family (husband and five kids) then proceeded to have another family with my dad. I can only imagine how guilty she must have felt about that. So then if what Bob is saying is true, all of that guilt she felt went directly into my brain and taught me to be guilty. This is pretty much the same things I saw that those doctors and scientists say on the zeitgeist films talk about, how our environment in large determines who and what we are how we feel and what we think and even if we are sick or fat or nice or mean. How you can have a predisposition to something but your environment can turn it on in you. Its scary how much you pick for your kids who they are and you don’t even know it. He kindly explained how to help change your paradigm too. I would highly recommend going to his site and signing up for his newsletters and videos, he has a lot of great information to share.

I am gonna leave it there for now Reader. I have a few more things to say but I cant gather my thoughts about them and so I will post this and be back with you soon.  J

Well this kinda sucks.

     I haven’t posted a blog in a few days (I posted two today to catch up!) because I have this friend, and he and I recently had a fight. Well I am not sure that fight is the correct word here, but lets go with it shall we? Now I do want to start off by saying I admit that in the beginning it was all me, I had feelings that were not suited to the situation but, that’s not how it ended up. My friend is sweet, lonely, depressed and someone who I know would love to be with someone and who happens to be in love with another friend of ours. I could tell and was kinda teasing him but also her and saying they should get married. I was half teasing half serious I think they both knew it. They are sweet and cute and I could see them as a couple so sue me. Also knowing he has feelings for her made it pretty easy to want to help make it happen. So they were gonna watch a movie and hang out in vent (a program we use to talk to each other in games) and invited me along I told them I would come back and watch after I went to the store and so when I got home I popped into the vent channel to watch but I got the feeling fast I was intruding so I asked my friend in messenger if I was, and were they were having a vent date he said kinda and I made an excuse and ducked out. I am used to hanging out with forum most evenings in vent so so I admit I felt kinda left out and sad, especially since I had been originally included so I felt kinda dropped, but I used tapping to ease that since it was kinda silly, emotions don’t have to make sense they just are, you use them to figure yourself out. I am getting that now. Well then he sends me a message later saying she was gone and so I asked him about the “vent date” in messenger, and he just started to troll me, and that made me mad, I hate it when he does that it feels like he is making fun of me. In this instance it felt like I was being treated like I wasn’t good enough to share anything real with me (which I guess turned out to be more true than I thought) it was obvious that he didn’t want to tell me, and that fucking stung. So I ended up leaving vent pissed off at him. I was really angry because my feelings were hurt, and I should have just said that, instead of allowing myself to be that upset. Anyway I tapped about it and apologized for leaving vent mad, but I didn’t return to vent I stayed talking to him via messenger, I wasn’t really in the mood to talk, but I tried to explained why I was upset and that I shouldn’t have been but that didn’t excuse that I don’t like to be trolled and he needs to stop double talking me. I have asked him to stop and I guess the fact that he hasn’t is more indicative of his level of respect for me than I cared to admit.

     I also need to say that during my tapping session about the incident I had a realization that I had I overestimated our relationship, I overstepped and misinterpreted my place in that relationship. I thought I was one thing and realized I was something else. It stung a bit, and I told him that. I told him that I was sorry and that I wouldn’t do it again. I am pretty sure he took it in some weird way because then he proceeded to let me know in no uncertain terms that I am not trustworthy due to the fact that I constantly overreact about everything. He went on to point to everything in my blog from struggles with being too emotional due to my depression and bipolar disorder, to my search for enlightenment in my life, to my excitement over the ways I am trying to help myself, such as the secret and tapping and the zeitgeist movement. I cant even tell you how that felt like a hot poker to the heart. You can imagine that I basically felt at that point that I had I opened myself up to him shared myself in an honest and real way only to have that information used against me like a knife. Like it wasn’t already hard enough to realize your not as important to someone as you think you are, having it ground into me was a bit unnecessary, and I said so. I think I also said something along the lines of fuck you.

     Its actually kind of funny he refuses to look at what I am doing and then has the balls to mock it and me for trying to find a sense of peace in my life. That is just mind blowing from someone who professes to love me. I fully and completely admit that all of my emotions are not reasonable, but really, who’s are? I am however trying to take steps to make that better inside me and having one of my closest friends then take not only the darkness of my world but that I am trying to bring some light into it, and then use it to hurt me, just to avoid being real with me is just really hard to accept. I have been tapping about it all day and I am feeling much better about it, but that doesn’t change the fact that I thought I had something I never really had in the first place and that stings. I am going to keep tapping about that, about how much it stings to be so profoundly incorrect about something that I placed such importance on. I know I will get it put in the right place so I can move forward and attract to me the people that can accept me for who I am with out judging me for being too emotional or open to trying different ways to heal myself.

Thoughts from early this week.

     Today is Monday and after yesterdays session of self acceptance tapping I am still experiencing a feeling of well being and a sense of having released at least in part some of what has been blocking me from not only being myself , but also from trusting myself. I admit I do feel a bit shy with it, but the feeling is still there and very different from what I am used to, but it really does feel freaking great! I mean I see and feel real physical manifestations of my negative emotions clearing out of me. Just now I was sitting here and it all of a sudden occurred to me that I wasn’t sitting with my shoulders scrunched up and hard. That I was indeed just sitting relaxed and engaged in what I was doing not half paying attention to one thing, while the other part of me is berating myself over some imagined awfulness I am or have done or whatever. That is pretty nice. I am so happy to have found the tools that will allow me to never return to that place of self hatred and fear. I know I am getting stronger daily. I feel so much more alive and thrilled to be contemplating making some even bigger changes in my life. I think that writing this blog is part of all of the changes in me. It feels really great to be putting all of this down, to be offering my journey to you Reader, so that just maybe you will find a friend here, find a connection that leads you to a place that gives you the joy you are seeking in your life, the joy that I am finding in my life. I want that joy to be like a happy virus running out from this blog to “infect” everyone it touches with a bug called Joy! 

     Its pretty cool to me that rather than try to push my emotions back and trying to stop feeling them every time something pops up now, I just sort of start analyzing it and exploring it and deciding what to call it. I almost play with the emotion. I don’t run from it anymore. I just let it be. I just let it tell me what it is and if its not something I want to feel again I just pull out my new and shiny tool, Tapping and get rid of it for good. That is absolutely the opposite of what I have ever done before. I always just felt like such a victim to what was going on inside me not in control of it at all. Like I was just stuck with how I felt and nothing could change that. It is so awesome to have been wrong. Its even more awesome to know its okay to be wrong. I am gonna make mistakes sometimes and that’s just fine. I will make plenty of wonderful decisions and maybe an occasional mistake, but I will learn from it all, I am excited by the idea of it. 
    
      I cant stop thinking about this one sentence in the movie The Secret, when Lisa says, “Its not your job to change the world.” I think that is one of the only things about the movie that I disagree with. It is my job. Its your job. it’s a job that we do every day that we strive to be more than we were the day before. When we open ourselves up to Love and Joy in our lives we radiate that to everyone around us and make that part of the world a better place, but even more than that it opens you up to the knowledge of all the ways we are connected. Who did I assist in their journey today or yesterday or last week with my blogs or tweets or facebook links. Did I put an idea in someone’s mind or cause someone to think differently or see in their world a more beautiful place? I don’t know. But the possibility is there. The chance for a connection is there based on the love that I am giving to myself and there by radiating out to all who come in contact with me. I hope that if you are looking for answers or you are struggling to make sense of your world and are reading these words that they are radiating out to you the love I feel for you now. The love that resides inside you now. Use these tools that I have found to help you feel that love, that joy. If these tools aren’t the right ones for you then I hope that this is only one stop on your journey of self discovery and enlightenment. I hope this road leads you to the right tools for you to find within you all the things you need to be happy. Because I promise you now everything you need to feel good and to be filled with joy daily is already inside you. You may be a bit broken, you may have some emotions and experiences weighing you down, but once you clear out the hurt, and pain of old energy you will find a freer and happier you. Even as I write those words I realize that a couple of months ago reading that would have made me roll my eyes and say something like sure easy for you to say. But it is easy for me to say, simply because it is true. I am so grateful.

New way to Tap that made me pretty happy!

I stumbled this week, hard. Actually as I write those words I realize that it was coming for a couple of days before it happened. I have been stewing on all this information that is flooding toward me faster than I can handle. I asked for help in a very passionate way and the universe has certainly delivered, I think I overloaded my brain frankly. I fucking fell apart for a couple of days. I cried and raged and pretty basically thru a colossal tantrum. As I put that thought into actual words the truth of it rang clear inside me and I was suddenly able to forgive myself and even laugh a bit at myself for something so small. It is amazing how I am being shown even my own self. I also made a mistake in not continuing to watch the secret if not daily at least frequently. I got caught up in Meridian EFT Tapping, the zeitgeist shit, and then sons of anarchy (good show but very violent and negative so not good for me right this second) and weeds (same thing kinda), and I a little bit got lost from the message of the great secret. I have it on now as I write this and the goodness and truth of its message are washing over me and cleansing me of the negative thoughts I have allowed to build up in me over the last few days. I need to get back on track. But I have to remember this is all new and I still am learning, growing and getting stronger. I need to keep these teachers around me till I am a bit more steady on my spiritual legs so to speak. Right this moment I am doing all of this work alone. I am doing the tapping alone with only articles and videos to guide me, and it is helping but I cant help but wonder if I had proper guidance in the journey would I be doing better? Or an I doing it exactly as I need to for me? I am gonna concentrate that the latter is true and accept guidance where I find it. I know that I feel stronger everyday thru my eft meridian tapping exercises, and as they get more specific and I uncover new things with it, what I have noticed most though is that I don’t trust myself. I am pretty sure that has been a learned attitude toward myself thru out my life, and I am working to discover as many of those times and feelings as I am able to so I can release them and their control over me and my thoughts. I am done living this stunted and frightened way. I am sick of being afraid by everything, of simply being afraid to live. I don’t want, nor will I just sit here and wait to die anymore. I am so mad that I have been doing that. I have to get that put in the right order in my head if I am gonna get past this. I have to embrace me and forget the lessons I have learned that have taught me to hate and mistrust myself.

     The above paragraph was written on Thursday this week and when I began to think that I would like a bit more guidance in my tapping I found a new tapping site and technique that I like a lot more than the style I was using. Let me get you a link…  tapping and I really like how it gets your whole brain involved. It really works much better for me. There are a lot of vids for it too and he doesn’t say okay now if you want to really know how to do it buy this video or go to our meetings. He just obviously wants to help I like that. He plainly says on his site that he gives these videos away free on his site because he wants to help as many people as he can with this. He has a book sure and I know he has personal sessions too but that doesn’t negate how he is trying to help people with these extremely detailed videos that take you fully thru the tapping process and help you center yourself and work thru your emotions. Its amazing He is a great teacher. I am so blessed to have found him. 
     Reconditioning my brain to love me is pretty hard work. Not in the sense that its work I cant do but its extremely tiring. Today (Sunday) I spent the morning doing some self acceptance tapping and after an hour and a half I was so exhausted I had to lay down for 45 minutes. I feel into such a deep sleep I woke up so refreshed and I still feel amazing hours later. I know there is still work to do and sure it may make me tired, but damn it tired is a lot better than panicked hatred for myself and I can take a nap! I also really let myself start to think too big sometimes. I have always done that. I get all worked up thinking about things I could never change on my own and start to think how could I possibly deserve to be happy if _________. You fill in the blank there are thousands of reasons to not be happy. Its stupid to use them as excuses and I am really starting to get that now. My unhappiness doesn’t feed anyone or clothe anyone. My unhappiness cant love anyone and I cant love anyone when I hate me and am unhappy. I am much more able to make any kind of difference just by being good to me and damn it, I do deserve it. If you are reading this I hope that you understand that you do too. I hope that if you are struggling in anyway you understand that these tools are here for you too. You called this to you and there is a reason for that. Don’t ignore that! Love to you Reader! XOXO J

Damn I dont even know how to title this shit!

     Hi Reader! I am really trying to gather my thoughts, over the last couple of days I have watched all of the films by The Zeitgeist Movement and I am reborn. I know that sounds fucking stupid but its how I feel. Its almost like when you take blinders off a horse and he can finally see the truth of his environment, I have been made more aware of what is going on around me and how grateful I am to be awake, and being awake I don’t feel subjected by the rules that are being forced on me by those “in power”, that’s not to say I am stupid enough to go willy nilly breaking the rules to the point I get arrested or anything like that. Here’s the thing though, with this information and feeling of freedom, I am also incredibly pissed off. So as you can imagine its been kind of hard to reconcile those two completely polar emotions. Especially when you consider how much anger I have managed to eliminate from myself in the last couple of weeks. I am so angry that we are all kept from the information that can and would change our species for the better. I am angry that more of us aren’t asking these questions that lead to these answers, and I am angry at all the families/people/power-hungry bastards that have worked cooperatively to keep us blinded to what is really going on. The people in power thumb their collective noses at us and what we need as a whole. And we are being placated with cars and big TVs, and pieces of paper that don’t mean anything. I wonder if any of those “powerful” people have given any thought at all about who is going to take care of them after they killed us all off for dollars. Who will you pay to clean your shit or to be your slave when we are all dead and all you have are dollars? It makes me mad to think of how short sighted we are allowing ourselves to be. But then on the other hand there are all these people who do realize what is taking place and they are trying to tell us. We have some choices to make but I think that most people don’t realize that there is one. I think a lot of the reason for that is that any time someone comes along with the right message that person or people are labeled as kooks so its less likely we will listen to them or if they do manage to get thru even a little they are killed off. Think about how many of the people in the world who were thinking in new and radical ways that are no longer with us and why. I hope we can figure it out before its too late. I hope that all of us can understand that WE are the ones with the actual power and that we can use that power to change the world we live in, and really we wouldn’t have to do anything other than stop working in their system. I know that sounds scary but if we organized and decided together to stop using money and to stop listening to the rules and take matters into our own hands how could they stop us? The true people in power have zero skills expect the skill to create money they cant make anything or probably even figure out how to feed themselves in most cases with out us. So why are we taking care of them? I think some people are starting to get that. It gives me hope.
     I am a tad boggled as well by all the connections and how I am becoming aware of them all around me. I am only now waking up to the fact of them, not just the connections around me but in the world and in the universe. Like how I keep getting the information I am asking for every time I ask for it. First The Secret, then Tapping, and now these movies from the Zeitgeist site. It really is pretty amazing how fast all of this is coming my way. I am so calm and so able to control my emotions in a way I have never been able to and as we all know I have been struggling in this life to figure out who the fuck I am and what is important to me, but I feel like I am really getting a handle on that. I honestly feel like all of this new information is beginning to scrub me clean of the filthy lies I have not only been told but taught to believe. About the world about the universe and about where I belong in it. I have never in all my life felt so free to just express myself and be who I truly am and not what I have been led to believe I am by others expectations, desires, and perceptions of what I should or shouldn’t be. Of course this also leads to a responsibility to be sure that I take care in my relationships with others and to remember to love as I love myself, and I have to admit in my broken ass brain its kinda hard to do that sometimes. I am used to judging and hating and fearing anything I don’t understand we are trained to do that. So breaking that habit is a bit of an effort I have to remind myself to remember what I am doing. As I mentioned earlier I am of two minds about all of this. I am pissed the fuck off, but I am also so blessed to have been given the gifts I have been given. I swear I feel like I just got pulled out of the freaking matrix and Morpheus is right there saying it was all just a dream, but just like Neo waking up doesn’t mean I don’t have shit to do! And I don’t think that any one of us has all the right answers but I think if we work together for the betterment of mankind and not the hording of things and money we would be on a much better track than the one we are on now.
     I was on Facebook today as I often am just screwing around and catching up on friends, well you know I am sure you go there too. But I see this feed about how congress isn’t paying our troops and how we should stop paying congress, that by it self made me laugh as that person is only half right, congress isn’t paying their troops those troops aren’t ours, and your damn right we should stop paying them. Then one of my nieces writes how she doesn’t support the war and that we are the ones that are the actual terrorists, and sadly she is correct, but of course that spurned an entire family fight on the freaking facebook (yes that’s what we do!) about how Heather is an awful American and human being I guess now that she thinks on her own and not the thoughts preprogrammed into us by the government run media, it was funny how they started to try to scare her out of her opinion by using the lies they have been taught to believe as truth by our system and those who are in control of it. Funny. I know guys I know I sound like some kooky conspiracy theorist but its not a theory if the conspiracy exists now is it? And the evidence is available for anyone who wants to look. I am still just in the beginning stages of trying to look up all the shit in the movies but so far everything I found is right there easy to find if you want to, nor am I saying that these movie are 100% perfect either I am sure that like anyone this guy has put his own spin on shit, I am taking from the movies too that he doesn’t believe in God and that is fine too. I do, I don’t however believe in Jesus, and I didn’t need his movie to tell me how bogus that little story was and I have seen the parallels to other myths myself even as a child so I don’t need anyone to point out to me how ridiculous the story is. Nor do I think the bible is God’s book, it is just a system of control that was put into use a long time ago and if it ever was useful has outlived said usefulness. And lets not forget, the zeitgeist guy isn’t the only one saying we are about to run out of oil, or that money is fake, or that our government is doing some pretty shady shit, or that the bible is bogus, and what about the corporations buying up the water? No one is making that shit up either. We all have had our minds blown by some of the things that have come to light over the years that have been directly done by our own government. I don’t know testing LSD on “our“ troops just as only one example we all know there are many others. I know there are gonna be all these cries of well if you don’t like America get out!, and the good old, we aren’t perfect but we are the best out there, really? Come on. Stop using sound bites as arguments and think for yourselves, cause baby we have got to start paying attention. I know waking up hurts. It sucks but it can also be very liberating. We don’t have to keep living for these idiots and what they want. We can start to decide for ourselves what is important. We can choose differently. Again, I have hope.
     I truly wish for a word that more adequately expresses what I am feeling now, but I guess Gratitude will have to suffice, and don’t forget reader one of the things I am grateful for is you. I will get back to more posts on taps very soon I am not done with that, and I am sure I will be manifesting in my life more information and awakenings and you know I cant wait to share them with you, but for now, I am off! Live lovingly and gratefully today and all days. J