The Law of Attraction Learning Curve.

     Hello Reader, last time we were together I talked to you about learning to recognize how you use the Law of Attraction (LoA) whether you want to or not, and how much living in a negative state of mind creates exactly that experience in your life. Once you have allowed yourself to accept that you can begin to shift that paradigm, or way of thinking, and change your experience. You hear a lot about “positive thinking” when you first start exploring the LoA and begin searching for tools to assist you in your journey and that is all well and good, but if you don’t change your paradigm, your thought foundation, all you are doing is putting a happy face on a hopeless one, and to quote one of my favorite teachers Hale Dwoskin, “That never changed anything.“ With out doing the ground work you need to BE a happy person instead of pretending that you are one, you will likely alienate yourself away from that which you need the most.

　

     What I have found to be true as I continue to work on my thinking, is that I must keep at it constantly, negative thoughts are a habit that needs to be broken much like a smoker must get past the habitual grabbing for a cigarette. It is a learned behavior, and you can unlearn it. As much as you may want to take a break and let yourself “relax” into old habits you cant indulge in that type of thing. Allowing a negative thought to blossom is only inviting more of the same. If you have spent all day working on your attitude and you slip into negativity it is very important that you recognize that, notice it as the opportunity that it is to grow in this moment. Be grateful for each of your negative thoughts, because they are only there to allow you to change, to show you that you have something that needs to be let go. Like anything there is a learning curve with the LoA, and when you are talking about learning skills that can change your life, it can be easy to put too much pressure on yourself. You have to keep at it that is true, but something else Hale says is “to be easy on yourself” and he is right. You have been practicing your current way of life for a long time, and your current reality has a certain momentum, so if you just applied the brakes give yourself a chance to slow down.

     For most of us changing our paradigm is not something that is going to happen over night. I know that has been the case with me. It is something I continue to work on every moment of every day. I am always exploring new paths, new teachers and new tools to use in my journey to self discovery, and its very important to understand that just like any new skill its going to take time to get the hang of it, and practice to master it. You may need to spend some time finding just the right tools for the job at hand or you may get lucky with your first selection. Whatever the case don’t give up. The reward is you. Your true powerful self. And that is a beautiful thing.

The Law of Attraction, and Subconscious Thinking

     Hello there Reader, once again its time to wander down the road of my Journey, thanks for tagging along. If you have been reading my blog you know I have come to recognize the Law of Attraction in my life. You may be asking “Why do you say recognize the law of attraction, Jammy?”  Well let me explain it like this, its just like the Law of Gravity. Gravity is working whether you know it is or not. Gravity doesn’t care that you don’t understand how it works. It‘s still keeping you firmly grounded to the planet, but it is also the force that will cause you to hit that ground hard when you trip and fall (like I did walking the dogs last night hehe), its just always there doing its job. The Law of Attraction is no different. It doesn’t care if you “believe” in it or not. The Law of Attraction doesn’t care if you think you can outsmart it, and it certainly doesn’t care if you attract knowingly or blindly. Its still there, doing its job. It can be easy to reject the Law, when it appears to be giving you things you don’t think you have asked for, but make no mistake you are asking all the time.

     When people first find out about the Law, most of what they learn about it is how you can manifest the life of their dreams, which of course you can, and should do, but its easy to gloss over the fact that the life of your nightmares can also created by you. You choose your creation with your predominant thoughts and emotions. To begin to create the life you desire you must begin with the fundamental foundation from which you are creating. Knowing that you have the power to create your life is like suddenly finding out you have the powers of a Genie, but consider this; In the TV show I Dream of Jennie, Jennie knew she could manifest whatever she wanted, sometimes she didn’t manifest it exactly how she pictured it but everything she created came from a place of love for Major Nelson, so it always ended up turning out okay in the end, but her evil “sisters” plans never worked out the way she wanted, her negative motivation always manifested more negativity. My point? The Law of Attraction is responding to your state of mind no matter what that state is, and no amount of “positive thinking” is going to change anything until you change your underlying way of thinking, your paradigm. The thoughts under your thoughts, your subconscious.
 

     I am not going to tell you that changing your way thinking is going to be easy, it may be, but probably not. You have to be prepared to be diligent, you simply do not have the luxury to indulge yourself by wallowing in negative and limiting behavior if you are ever going to change your life. Take the experiences that come your way as opportunities to learn and grow whether they be what you thought you were creating or what you actually were creating. It is very easy to dismiss the Law of Attraction when something appears that we don’t want to admit we attracted, but when that happens you have a clear choice, you can get angry and frustrated, complaining that the Law of Attraction has let you down (as if you had no part in it), or you can be grateful for what you can learn from it, grateful that you are about to grow, it is then that you are attracting more to be grateful for. Reader there are many wonderful EFT (emotional freedom techniques) tools out there to help you make this change, meditation, Tapping, Sedona Method, just to name a few, and just as many wonderful teachers, don’t be afraid to change your life. You are the only one who can after all.

Jammy

　

　

Meditations, Visualizations, and Manifestations OH MY

What you are the world is. And without your transformation, there can be no transformation of the world. ♥ J. Krishnamurti

                                                                       ஜ۩۞۩ஜ

     Hello Reader, had a pretty fantastic day today, and that is considering that I still don’t have a working computer, Thank God for a sweet friend or I would be writing long hand, and I wouldn’t be posting much for you. However, not having the distraction of my computer has left a bit more time for me to explore meditation so maybe the universe had something in mind, in addition to manifesting another computer. Hmmm. Well in any case. I have not had the same deep incredible experience like I did the first time I accidentally did it. I think I am just trying to hard to repeat that experience. I have done a bit of searching and I found a few good videos on youtube and am really utilizing them but I am going to start looking around for some DVDs and books. The main thing is that I am enjoying it and I am with each attempt at it getting deeper and more still. Also the more I do it the more I am interested in it and want to learn more about types of meditation as well as the history of it. Please leave me a comment if you have any advice or recommendations.

     I also had a bit of a realization today (and you know I love those), when I am releasing I am usually very visual. I have many little images that come to mind when I am letting something go. A flower blooming, a hand, door, or window opening, the Red Man throwing thoughts out of my brain (I love that image) or one of my favorites which comes from something Hale Dwoskin says a lot in Sedonathru me but I am facing the flow and it is flowing out behind me. I realized today I had that backwards. I kept noticing this tension in my throat, not my neck, my throat like a choking feeling. I kept trying to meditate because I thought it was my chakras out of alignment, and that is probably true to a certain extent, but that wasn’t it, it was the flow. I was trying to keep the flow of goodness inside me instead of letting it flow thru me. When that thought hit me I had this vision, I saw energy as light flowing to me but from behind me actually propelling me forward as it flowed through me (pushed me). As it flowed it lit my entire being and then burst out of me in all these tiny brilliantly colored rays of light that then shone out and away from me and into the world and the universe permeating everything and everyone. Instantly my throat relaxed and I became the energy outlet that I needed to be.

     If there is one thing that I would want you to take away from my blog about visualizations Reader, its this; They are fun, and they are powerful, but with out emotion and action backing them up they aren’t much more than nice little movies in your head. You will never get anything from them but frustration and confusion. You will never understand that you are in control of your life until you take control. Please always keep in mind that you are a conduit, not a receptacle, for the flow of energy in this universe, and if you remember that one important thing, you allow possibility into your life. I promise you it feels wonderful.

     One last word before I go Reader, the people, things and energy that flow into your life will sometimes stay and sometimes they will only visit, but that is only you doing the job the universe needs you to do. Open to it. What you do for yourself you do for everyone.

　
Thanks for riding along,
Jammy

Attracting a Key

     Hi there Reader, I finally got back to listening to The Sedona Method cds, but I had been putting it off for over a week, and I finally figured out why. Yesterday was a big day for me in terms of admitting some things to myself that needed to be admitted. I didn’t want to continue the cds because I was doing the Effortless Relationship part of the program, and at first I actually believed that I was resisting it because I didn’t want to forgive certain people in my life, but the truth of the matter is that I didn’t want to forgive myself. I certainly didn’t want to accept or love myself, not really, not all the way. When that clicked it was a pretty big moment for me.
     I am not sure what it was about the situation that tipped it for me but I was on Facebook reading a post by a person who has a tendency to irritate me. I started to feel my usual dismissive irritation with this person when all of a sudden it came over me. Its really you that you don’t like. You know that moment in movies when the background behind the actor stretches out and becomes longer? That is what happened in my brain at that moment, I felt my brain stretch and relax and it was like that tiny thing that it was protecting and holding on to for so long just floated away from me, and all of a sudden I just had this clarity. I just knew that letting go of that dislike was the key for me, and that key opens the door to a whole bunch of goodness.

     It has taken me more than a week to figure that out, and I am really okay with that. When you consider where I came from on this not even six months ago a week seems like a miracle. Releasing that energy felt amazing, the lightness that came over me in that moment is like nothing I have ever felt, and I know that from this day on I will only get closer to that place of perfect love. Love for me, love for you, love for everything, just as it is. 


     I would ask you Reader, is there anything in your life you have been avoiding? Anything you have been putting off, even if the justification sounds reasonable? I would encourage you to dig a little deeper (quoting Hale there) and see if you cant find the underlying belief that is holding you back, and let that go. I can promise you the rewards are well worth the effort . Speaking of making an effort I did listen to that cd last night, and I am going to tell you all about it, but that is a whole different blog post. Until tomorrow...

Thanks for taking this journey with me,Jammy

What the Law of Attraction means to me.

     In a word, Everything. There is a trend in the movement to place too much importance on money, and that dilutes the message for me a tiny bit. Now don’t misunderstand me, I enjoy the benefits of having money and I am attracting more of the green stuff in my life as we speak. Everyday the flow of good things in my life increases from a trickle, to a stream, into a river, which is flowing to me from the ocean that is abundance, and that certainly includes money. However it is not my only focus in my conscious attractions, it is hardly the first thing I received by using the law, and I would not be able to attract it at all if I hadn’t first attracted the tools I am using to be a better, more loving me.

     So much of what you hear about the Law of Attraction is centered only around money, and most of the people you hear talk about what they attracted, or want to attract is money. When you explain to them that what you have attracted so far is love, information, or tools to grow as a person and enjoy a sense of self worth, they dismiss you because they don’t realize that those things are so much more important than any dollar ever will be, and in fact they lay the foundation from which all good attracting is done. They don't realize that until you can attract the tools you need to have that strong foundation, nothing you attract will have any strength or ever last. Think about it, how many examples of that have you heard of, or maybe you know someone who attracted a fortune, or house, maybe a car only to lose it because the foundation they attracted it from was crumbling?

     Money is a result of using the law of attraction correctly, but not the main goal for me. It really is all about your perceptions. If you put yourself in the flow of feeling good, all the things you perceive to be good will flow to you. If you see money as inherently evil or bad no matter what your intentions with regards to it you wont attract it if you cant see it as good. At its core the Law of Attraction is about Love. You have to learn to love the things you want and realize that they love you just as much, and you can never do that with out having a strong foundation of loving you.

     Just like in any movement there are people in it that are using it for selfish purposes, and I cant emphasize more that there is zero selfishness in the real Law of Attraction. People will use the catch phrases to confuse you and convince you that you want what they are selling. This is where that foundation of loving yourself is going to serve you the most, to cut through the shysters and con people who have no real understanding of the Law of Attraction, let your inner voice guide you. There are so many good books and movies and programs out there that will teach you all about the movement, but the real test is joy. If what ever you are doing isn’t bring you joy, they you aren’t doing the right thing. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

     So what does the Law of Attraction mean to me. It means Joy, Love, Gratitude, and living within the flow of good things, and you Reader are only one of those for me. I invite you to explore all the tools available to bring you to that place of love and joy. I can tell you that my work in the Sedona Method (see affiliate page) has given me joy and knowledge of myself in a way that I have never had or imagined. I haven’t written much about my work with it this week because I hit a bit of a snag. I will be posting about that soon I promise. In the mean time Reader, what have you done to get started on your own journey of self discovery? Leave me a comment and let me know what tools you have used or if you have found any of mine useful. Your feedback is the gas in my blogger engine. I love you.

Thanks for riding along
Jammy

Getting to the nitty gritty.

     Hello there Reader, I haven’t posted in a few days, I know, but I am going to listen to more Sedona tonight and wanted to touch base with you before I do so. I have been working hard on how much I want approval the last couple of days. I have been releasing about it nearly nonstop. With every release a different face, or situation comes to my mind, a lot of them more than once of course, but with each emergence there is less substance to each one, they have less of a hold on me. In the end, as is usually the case, it was really finally about me approving myself. I feel like I have gotten to a new level of me, and I am open to having more to do but also grateful to be where I am now. Let me explain.

     It took time for me to finally get to the truth of it, and I would imagine its not that much different for most everyone else, but it caused me a good deal of shame to realize that what I wanted was to be special, be better. Yes, better than everyone else. It sounds just awful to say it out loud, but it is true. I am sure sometimes even you feel that way don’t you? I can tell you that the second I admitted that I felt that way, I felt another shift in my brain. I was able to release that desire to be better than anyone, and get even deeper into the understanding that I am exactly the same as you. As everyone else. EXACTLY. Maybe we are on different paths, or on different parts of our journey but we are the same none the less. Figuring this out allowed me to open up in a new way to loving myself and accepting myself. It felt, like I was flying, that I had allowed me to enter into a space where I can be better, better than the me I was before. That is the only better that will ever make a difference, it’s the only better any of us can ever be. It can be difficult to look at your motivations honestly but doing so is the heart of this work, and I am grateful for every opportunity to become more.

     I have mentioned to you a couple times now how I am feeling my brain move, or change, or something. I am not sure what that brain feeling is, but I do love it. I have thought about it though. Is it a new brain pathway forming? Is it me settling into myself more? Is it my thoughts expanding? I don’t know. It just sort of feels like a shifting more than anything else. I only know it means I am changing. I know it means I am growing and that is enough for me. When I wonder about that too much I totally hear Hale saying, “Are you trying to figure it out?” That makes me smile, and I remember to let go trying figure it out. I can I hear his voice a lot these days and every time I do it gently reminds me to be good to myself and remember that I have spent a really long time learning to live an awful stunted life. Changing that will take the rest of my days. I am quite excited.

     Reader before I go and get back to the job at hand I want to take a moment and Thank You. Your comments, tweets, emails, & facebook messages have been beyond amazing. Your love and support and encouragement are such a fantastic surprise and reflection of the law of attraction for me and I hope that in some way I am able to give that back to you. I hope you always remember to be nice to yourself Reader, I have learned how destructive it is to be mean to yourself, and if you take anything away from my blog I hope it is to show yourself loving respect. I am so grateful for you, and I love you so much. Sharing my road with you is my passion, and I am so happy to have you on the journey. Never hesitate to contact me. I love to hear from you and read and respond to everything I get.

Thanks xoxo
Jammy

Going through some real changes.

     Hello again Reader, thanks for stopping by. I am officially half way through the cds of The Sedona Method, which puts me at the end of the Effortless Wealth and Success part of the program. I will be starting on relationships next, I am thinking tomorrow. I had some amazing things happen to me last night and frankly I want to share a bit with you, release some more, and just enjoy where I am now.

     Thursday I listened to CD nine, which was very much in the same vein as the previous Wealth cds, continuing to take things deeper with each cd, each release. It was very much centered around making goals, making sub goals and releasing on the inner core reason that you want the goal, whatever that goal is. This cd got very much into the holistic way of releasing where you go back and forth on an issue, such as releasing on scarcity then on the opposite which would be abundance. Each release getting closer and closer to the basic question, would you rather want, or have. There was also some releasing on needing to be do or have something to be complete, and on not wanting to be where you are. Accepting that you are complete, whole and perfect in this moment, in this place. 

     Then last night I got started with cds 10 and 11, the last two left in the money cds, & I admit to thinking "I will bang these two out..." and to a degree I supposed that is correct if you are measuring in time. I am not, I cant. I have never in my life experienced anything like what happened to me last night. I have never felt so free or so grateful.

     At the beginning of cd 10 Hale guides you in some advantage/disadvantage releasing. Which is very much what you would think it is, with the exception that you aren't making a list so much as just going back and forth like other holistic releases. Hale even points out that if you don't feel anything on one side or another then just release on that too. I was releasing on several things for this really, writing a book, my blog, my readers, money. This process is great for a lot of things like making decisions, clearing up your goals, and letting go of your problems (or your perception of problems). It is also really important that you phrase your problems in the past tense and your decisions or goals in the present tense, because it is all about putting yourself in the space of having not wanting. At this point that was still only a concept in my mind, but I felt something nagging. I had been telling my brain and asking God to push my thought process over that proverbial speed bump, and it felt like I was getting close to something.

     Around this point Hale led his group through a release on being hard on yourself, and I felt my throat start to tighten. I have been giving myself a hard time about this work because it hasn't been harder. So hearing Hale talk about that was one more time where it was like he was reading my mind. It was perfect timing. He takes you from here straight into some releasing on wanting to be right. Just writing about this, my face gets a tiny bit hot thinking how strong my feelings of wanting to be right were as we did the release. As you let go of wanting to be right or the opposite of that, he tells you to be open to a solution beyond right or wrong and it was like inside me I could see a spotlight snap on in the distance and in that spot light is the real true unmasked me. I literally started shaking it was so clear, so real. I could tell that in that spot light was the space of having and when I step into that I will want no more. I knew I was getting closer to something... something real.

     Then it was time for cd 11, Hale is talking to his group at the start of this cd and he asks the group to shout out to him negative beliefs they have about money. Its time to do a Beliefs Process. Hale has mentioned this a couple times but we haven't don't it yet so I got a bit excited. Maybe it was a premonition? A beliefs process is just exactly what it sounds like. You release on a negative belief you have, in this case about money. For me those beliefs are similar to what most people yelled out, I don't deserve it, makes me greedy to want it, selfish, there isn't enough, would make me happy, gives security. So we started to release. This is where I started to change.

     At first it seemed pretty much like any other releasing, I was feeling the emotions and the beliefs start to float away from me, Hale was just leading release after release and I remember I thought "I am not lucky" at some point, and started to release on that. As I did that, I felt something move in my head. I don't mean I felt myself have a thought or something. I mean I felt something shift in my brain. I felt the processes of how I think change. I shifted the release a bit to security since my want for money stems from that mostly, and I just kept releasing on wanting to be secure, and all of a sudden I could see myself in a box. Outside living in a box. I was smiling I was happy and doing small domestic things in this vision. I was secure and happy and safe... in a box. I felt my brain move again, and I started to laugh and cry at the same time. I knew that security came from me not money. I knew I enjoyed my apartment more than a box, because it is more comfortable, but it didn't make me secure anymore than the box did. It wasn't the source of my joy anymore than the box was. I am my security. I am my happiness, and with every release a new awareness came over me and I knew that I had just stepped out of wanting, and into the spotlight of having.

     From here the rest of the cd was like a fog to me, I kept feeling myself expand with every release we did and as we got near the end and started to work on action steps and releasing on taking action to reach our goals, something that would have not too long ago terrified me I just had this still, peaceful feeling in my heart and brain that I can't ever remember feeling before that. I just kept writing down goals and ways to reach them and it wasn't like I was trying to think of anything, it was just there already. I already have it. I only need to open up and receive it.

     If you are struggling in a space of wanting, and I can tell you I lived there for a long time, that place is only in your head. You are in control and you can change the way you think. I can say that for certain. Just stay open inside and keep letting go. You will get there. We will get there together, Reader. I am so happy and grateful that you are along for the ride.
Jammy

A Law of Attraction Poem

     As I sit this morning drinking my coffee, enjoying the start of my day and allowing my mind to wander where it will, it strikes me as particularly funny how my brain is trying so hard maintain its old ways of thinking. It seriously makes me chuckle to think how cute my brain is, struggling so hard. I wrote this poem, enjoy.

                         ~~~
I am so grateful today.
My gifts are go grand
I open inside
And find the world in my hand
My joy in life is fresh and new
My eyes are open
I am done feeling blue
Thank you God for showing me my wings.
Thank you for my wealth, and all that brings.
                           ~~~

Thank you Reader, I love you
Jammy

Straight to the core.

     Hello Reader, that's right. It's time once again for a trip to Sedona with me, Jammy. This time around we visited the cd numbered 7, which is where we start to transition a bit from just releasing emotions and heading into making and releasing on goals. We also learn a new word coined by Lester, (the founder of SM) hootlessness. Hootlessness? Yes. We will get there I promise.

     What I love about cd seven is it stays with the work we just finished in the previous cds where you are getting to the root of a problem, or in this case a want/goal you have. Again like with the previous work what you end up getting down to with any problem, goal, want, is the same basic needs. Again those are, control, security, approval, and oneness (or separate for the opposite).

     What you are basically doing in this part of the method is identifying what it is you want, what that goal is, and then you write it down in the present tense. Read that to yourself and then welcome the first thing that comes to you. Identify it, which of the four is it? Welcome that and then release that (don't forget to come from both sides) and read your goal again. Keep doing it over and over till you get to the next stage which is courageousness, acceptance, or peace. Then as much as you don't want to, release that too. I know its still hard for me too. At the core of all that is where we get to "hootlessness" this is the space where you are best able to create whatever you want. From a place of happiness with or without something is the best place to receive it.

     Most programs will teach you the exact opposite of this but the law of attraction teaches us that the desperate wanting is damaging to the body mind connection. You cant create something you are holding tight with desperation. It must be released to give it strength.

     I have to say I really didn't want to share with you the first thing I wrote down to release on. I think that was a control thing so what I have decided is to go ahead and share. It is actually what I want and by holding it and not being honest about it is just another way of not releasing, and its only one of the things I wrote, so here goes. In cd 7 Hale says to write down something, a goal, or something you want. I want to win the lottery. I want to win a big one. Its not really a goal so much as something I want and it is financial and so I figured it kinda fit with the money cd and so I wrote this. I am grateful now that I have allowed myself to receive an insanely huge amount of money. The two things I felt the most were control and security with this one. but I admit to wanting to have approval and oneness as well. Which kind of surprised me. The approval was almost instantly when I thought of sharing here too. I didn't want to be judged for wanting to win the lottery. Really? As I thought that I realized how true, and how silly it was all at once. If people didn't want to win the lottery it wouldn't be still going. Hale even used someone releasing on receiving a large sum of money and then getting one, as an example so its not like no one did it before. The biggie to this one of course was security. I want security and what I ended up releasing on mostly was that. I still am a bit, actually, but I have to admit with every passing minute I can feel myself expanding, and as I do those feelings have less places to hold on to. It feels really good.

     If you have a goal you are working on Reader, one that you have held tight to you, maybe even kept secret? Try to release it instead. Let it go and see if you can' t manifest something fantastic. As always you can find more information on the Sedona Method Here, and as always Reader,

Thanks for riding along,
Jammy,

Resistance is futile.

     I woke up this morning so filled with peace I started laughing almost the second I woke up. Seriously one of the best waking up moments I have ever experienced. My wake ups are getting better with every one that occurs. My former experiences with the start of the day, with rare exceptions, have not been so pleasant. I used to wake up with fear, no, panic rising in my throat like bile. My body would tense up to the point of pain, tears would sting my eyes. My thoughts? They were simply desperate. NO, I don’t want to be awake! No I don’t want to be on this planet! I would ball up against those feelings with everything that I am. I would focus on making them leave me. The difference between then and now is so startlingly dramatic it takes my breath away to make the comparison. Since the day, almost three months ago, that I opened myself up and asked God/Source Energy/The Universe (your choice what you call it) to help me all that has come to me has been working toward this moment. The day after I made that cry my daughter told me to watch a movie. The next day I watched the movie The Secret, from there my journey has taken me so many places. Places I had no idea existed inside me, or anywhere else in this universe for that matter. Since I watched that movie for the first time, I have attracted many things into my life and one of the most important ones is The Sedona Method. If you have been reading my blog you know I have been working the method (link above!), I listened to cd 4 yesterday. It is all about letting go of your resistance. I am positive the way I feel today is a direct result of listening to that cd and the resistance I was able to let go of because of it. So Amazing how good this feels, I anticipate that I will feel even better as I continue to work this program, but right this second, its hard to imagine that I could possibly feel better than this.
    
     So like I mentioned above, cd #4 of the SM is all about that pesky little thing called resistance. The funniest thing I realized during the listening of this cd is the extent to which I was resistant to … I guess everything. Hale starts off by explaining that resistance is basically a glue and its holding all of your negative beliefs and feelings together, binding them into something much more intense. That the very act of resistance makes us much more controllable by any outside source. Its easy to seem like you are in fact the one in control when you aren’t. You can think by resisting your emotions you are controlling them when the actuality of the situation is that if you were in control you wouldn’t be working so damn hard. It is a lot of work to keep things buried. Its effortless to release.

     As I listened to Hale I realized that my constant worrying was in effect a resistance. That everything I worried about messing up I ended up screwing up in one way or another. Just the act of focusing on something with resistance takes your power and joy away from what you are doing, no matter what that might be. When we started to release on resistance he asked to focus inside about something that you are worried about or want to manifest. My very first thought is about money, and really this is for a couple of reasons. First because, well, I want some, and second because during this journey I have started to learn a bit about our financial system. Finding out that money is essentially fake makes it a tiny bit hard for me to wish for it, but the reality of life right now is that I am stuck in this system until we can make a change, so I need to get some money. So I focused inside and started to release. Now the interesting thing about the resistance releasing is that you come at it from both sides. Letting go of the resistance to having it as well as not having it, what ever that it is for you.


     What happened next was the most amazing evidence of this method working to bring about what you want it staggered me a little. Not long into my starting to release my neighbors began to be really noisy and I was having a hard time relaxing, one of my neighbors was having a sidewalk sale and so many people who live here in the complex were gathered around in the driveway of the apartments and out on the sidewalk. My first immediate reaction was to tense up and I thought, “Damn it just as I was getting started.” I kid you not, the second that thought (feeling) left me the noise outside burst into a cacophony. I sat there for a second, then all of a sudden it came to me. I thanked God for the opportunity to do something different and I just opened. I welcomed the irritation and desire to be in a quieter place I was feeling, then I just let it go. I looked at the other side for any resistance I had to it being more quiet and let that go too. Almost immediately upon finishing this release the group outside moved around to the front of the building and quieted. I don’t mean a little, I mean I could barely hear them at all. Blew me away.

     Hale was talking about how we cant forget to appreciate the progress we make no matter if it is a huge break thru or a tiny step, he said something that really got me, “There is a momentum to the way you have been living.” As soon as he said that I could picture (don’t ask me why) a train, that train is barreling toward these huge rubber bands extended between poles on either side of the tracks. Twenty of them to be exact, that’s how many cds there are imagine that. As the train begins to hit these bands it slows down, and when it reaches the last one the bands spring up launching it up into space as it transforms into a spaceship soaring higher and higher and higher. There are no limits.

Thank for riding Reader!
Jammy

I was nice to me today.

    I keep surprising myself this week, by the way I keep smiling for no reason, and by the things I am saying to myself, and not like you might think. I know if you have paid even the tiniest bit of attention to what I write here you know that my normal tone of voice with myself is less than… kind. This week though I have really noticed the tendency to do that fading and a new habit emerging. Earlier this week I recall I started to really slide back a bit in my thinking and I started to berate myself for it just a bit, my normal reaction. Then I all of a sudden I thought to myself, well that’s interesting and I just let it go. I sort of mentally patted myself on the head and said “Getting better at that aren’t ya girly.” I actually broke into laughter at the thought of speaking to myself that way. It was at once odd and familiar. Today I was making myself a salad and I was reflecting on my usual ways of thinking and how they are fading in me and I had a flash of panic like my brain was giving one last fighting try to get back to what it knows best, and I thought “That’s the old way baby doll.” Wait… what? Baby doll? Okay first I never call myself anything but my name or well unkind words like bitch. So the fact that I just used a term of endearment with myself, not to mention such an odd one, totally floored me. So much so that I burst out laughing at myself. I shook my head and finished making my lunch, but I am sure you can see what I mean here. These are things that wouldn’t have occurred in my life ever before I started this journey are becoming habits to me now. After the nearly year and a half of staggering depression I am finally coming out of (and I hope with these new tools am getting closer to being done with for good) these thoughts are the most breath taking glimpses of what is only just now being uncovered in me. I know I am beginning my life in a way that I had never anticipated could be possible.
     Today on Twitter a new follower of mine referred to what I am doing as work… Work! I was moved to tears that what I am doing was recognized as my work. I know I haven’t made a shit ton of money at it yet but it’s the most important thing I have ever done in my life. It is my work. I am so grateful to be doing it. I will admit that I haven’t been the most ambitious person in my work, or any other area of my life for that matter. I have worked hard no doubt but I was always complacent to do just what I needed to do to survive. No more. I didn’t aspire to anything, and if I dared to even look up from my place I chastised myself back down, out of fear mostly I think, you cant make a mistake if you don’t try now can you. Since I have begun to release I have started to understand that my work isn’t just what I get paid for. Its so much more and what I am doing here, this work this self discovery, this blog, the book I will make out of it. It feels more real to me than any burger I ever served or register I rang or phone I answered or customer I served. Maybe I will make a million dollars and maybe I will make a million people point and laugh, I don’t know, but I do know that it wont matter. I will make the most of what ever happens, and keep smiling for absolutely no reason.

Thanks for riding along,
Jammy

Still Exploring!

     I start this cold dreary day with those precise emotions inside me as well. Tears greet my eyes upon waking, and I know not why. I feel particularly broken today. God, please tell me I am not to broken to fix. Please.
     I very nearly erased those words when I came back to this page today, I decided not to. I was the truth when I wrote it. I took hours to shake that off me and finally release it, in fact its still lingering around a bit on the edges. Tiny wisps of feeling trying to curl their way back out from the nooks and crannies where it tries to hide from me when I am letting go of all that is inside me that isn’t me. Finally decided that I need to clear out my chakras and went to Tapping and used the chakra clearing tap and I feel a million times better.
     All of the above was on Sunday, I ended up not listening to the third cd because my next door neighbors had a party, and they weren’t outrageous or anything but it was right outside my window so I knew I wouldn’t be able to really settle into the cd or be able to release anything effectively so I just decided to screw around for the rest of the day. I did listen to the third SM cd today though and I am super glad I did. I feel much lighter now and feel like I am even more on the right track.
     So after some coffee and a chakra clearing tap I got started. The third cd is really got a lot of releasing going on and so what I am going to do is just quickly touch on what I felt as I released each of the emotions in the chart of emotions, and I will explain what that is now. At the beginning of the cd Hale does a visual for the class and it is in the workbook too for folk like myself that are doing this work from the cds. The visual is nothing more than a plain white sheet of paper with a tiny dot in the center. And he explains that paper is our selves and the dot is the problems we perceive ourselves to have, and the reason that they seem so out of proportion to everything else going on around us is that we are all pressed up against the dot and that is all we can see. That really made a lot of sense to me. Its impossible to really see anything but a small view of yourself and your life and your problems if you are so focused on the problem and you cant let it go. Its kind of like when (ladies you will know what I mean here) you get that magnifying mirror out and start looking at your pores. You cant see how beautiful your skin is because all you can see is how big your pores are. So when your problems seem so huge its completely impossible to really appreciate that you have not only options but that you are beautiful, whole and complete.
      The chart of emotions are really just what are on the surface of that dot in the middle of the paper and when you zoom in on the dot you can see they are only floating on the surface of a bubble. That visual was very powerful for me, I could see them as something separate and alien to me. Something I can experience, but that I totally control how long they can stay or how intense they can become. As Hale finished talking about the paper and the dot and we got ready to do the first release I nearly started to panic and I had to pause the cd and just breath deep and release a bit before I could continue. It seemed to me like I was really scared to let go of my old way of thinking. My silly brain is seriously trying to stay in the rut that has been created there. Once I got myself under control again I restarted the cd…
     The first emotion on the chart was Apathy. For me apathy really boiled down to the feeling that I don’t matter. I have struggled with that for, well my whole life. I have had that feeling reinforced in me repeatedly and has been something I have fought very much to be rid of to push down inside me. Of course I know now that that will never work and only by getting rid of it completely will I be able to feel that I do indeed matter. I have created in my life situations that reinforce that feeling of not mattering over and over. I constantly invite people into my life and then shower them with the love that I should be giving myself hoping they will love me and make me complete.
     Next on the list is Grief, when we welcomed this at the beginning of the release I really felt scared and lonely, and extremely stupid. I wasn’t sure where that was coming from but it didn’t matter I just allowed it in and then let it go. I was starting to feel lighter already with only these two emotions released.
The next emotion to release was Fear and that one for me is a doozey, I have a panic anxiety disorder and have lived many of the last years of my life in a constant state of terror. Terrified that I would make a mistake, that I would or wouldn’t do this thing or that thing. That “something” might happen. And there were so many times that I was afraid for what could be no apparent reason except that I was alive. Its exhausting to be scared all the time. As we started to welcome fear in it felt like such a familiar place to be, it was almost hard to release it when the time came, but release it I did, and that feeling of lightness was nearly like being drunk, the heady fragrance of the lack of it strong in my nose. It felt amazing. It was hard to release that overwhelming sensation but I listened to Hale and let that intoxicating feeling of freedom go too.
     Next up on the list is Lust. Lust is interesting because it has dual connotations for me first it has that feeling of want of strong desire of I cant wait! I feel that a lot, which is counter productive to The Secret Teachings, and SM. Also for me though is the sense that lust is somehow not just the wanting but the sinfulness of wanting. That somehow lust is something that diminishes me as a person or my importance somehow. That to want is to not appreciate what I have or who I am. Conversely its like I think I am something special and who am I to think that? I know that all of this is ridiculous I mean really does it make me less good or important that I breath or need food or want to have a warm place to sleep? Does it serve anyone at all for me to be less than I am or want less than I need to enrich not only my body but my mind and that which is not body or mind but is me? I think it does not. So I welcomed all of those conflicting thoughts and emotions in. I let them swirl inside me and well up, I let them be. When the time came to let all of that go I happily did so. That feeling of lightness is growing.
     Okay next up on the list/bubble, is Anger, yeah no problem finding that emotion. I defiantly have some anger. I could sit here and list to you all the reasons I am angry but really that is just trying to figure it out, make it important and just like our good buddy Hale says the only reason to figure out a problem is if you are planning on having it again. Seriously I couldn’t be more ready to get rid of this emotion in me. Welcoming it in was pretty easy but really so was releasing it. I have harbored it far too long. I know I have more work to do to get it gone from me entirely, but that’s okay I can do it.
     Now we get to pride. This one took me by surprise. When we started to welcome pride in at first I thought I really am not that proud of anything, then all of a sudden it hit me, maybe not but you sure are a self satisfied haughty holier than thou bitch! Actually these feelings came over me with a crash like a tidal wave. They hit me so hard I literally got sick to my stomach and felt like I was going to pass out. I had to actually get on my bed and lay down to finish welcoming and releasing the emotions of it. It really scared me that I was that person. I never ever want to feel that way again. When I finally was able to let go of all of that and get back up I was dizzy and shaky. I had to pause the cd and welcome and release those feelings several more times before I could move forward with the next emotion. I wonder if Hale has ever had anyone in a seminar have such a strong physical reaction to a release? Hale you reading this??? =D
     Which is courage. Courageousness was hard to find in me. Its been a really long time since I felt it. Once I did it was even more difficult to let go of. Hale said that it was hard for some people to let go of courage acceptance and the last which is peace, but that it was important to get past everything so that you can get to yourself. So I let it go and prepared myself for the next emotion on the list Acceptance. Acceptance is something I am only just now starting to do for myself so as you can imagine it was really hard for me to let this go.
     And lastly is peace. Peace is something I have rarely glimpsed in my life. I am not familiar with it at all. It was difficult to recognize. And frankly I am not at all sure I even reached it. I actually want to do the cd over but I know that I am not supposed to and since I already have I wont do it twice.
     Just the act of writing this has brought it all back up in me and it has taking some time cause I ended up having to release quite a bit of it over again. So as you can imagine I am a tad tired. I think that I will leave the post here for now Reader and let you read this while I marinate on what the next post should be. I am going to keep going over the notes I made when I listened and read the work book again before I do cd 4 (tomorrow?). So I may post about it again before 4 but who knows Reader, who knows.
Until then Reader keep exploring yourself, and thanks for riding along,

Jammy

Random Thoughts

     I started off yesterday with the thought that I don’t have to feel bad about myself today, then I started thinking about the things I had done the day before and ticked each one off as the reasons why I could feel good about myself. I got in a few then I realized what I was doing, and stopped and I remembered I don’t need to beat myself up today or any day. It’s the beating myself up that is keeping all of this going inside me, it is part of the cycle I am trying to break. I am me, that is good enough. And sure, sure I have reasons I could feel bad about myself, who doesn’t, but hating myself for not living up to some unreasonable standard that I had no hand in creating is getting me no where, and in fact is destroying any chance I have of living up to my own needs, my own potential, or even setting any type of reasonable standard for myself. I have rarely extended myself the same courtesy I extend to others, I have always been quicker to forgive anyone but me. Changing this is a constant process, its becoming much more habitual everyday.
     Started to listen to cd three yesterday morning after I did my morning routine… as soon as I realized it was the chart of emotions cd I thought to myself, “Oh shit this is the hard one.” Then I just stopped. I was like why am I putting that label on this? I never did start the cd though. I kept finding things that just had to be done before I could sit down and start that. As I wrote that I realize that it is just my brain fighting to keep thinking in the same ways its used to. I am listing to CeeLo Green right now and he is singing a song called No One’s Gonna Love You (like I do), and all of a sudden I just flipped it and started to sing that to myself. It made me start to laugh out loud. It felt really good. I think it’s the day to listen to that cd.
     Since my first cry out to the universe/God/source energy nearly three months ago, when the movie The Secret first came into my life and started me on this journey that is bringing me all of these new ideas and new ways of thinking , my joy in myself, and my hope for mankind, for all of us, has grown and magnified and blossomed in ways that I could have never anticipated. I am so fortunate that in that moment of despair I was able to some how to come up with the right question, the right expression, that I was able to cry out what I needed and be heard. I am even more fortunate that I was open to the answer when it started to flow to me. My gratitude grows daily, my gratitude for this journey, for myself, and for you Reader. More than you can know sharing this experience with you feels like the most important thing I have ever done. I feel humbled to imagine that you would want to share this road with me. Thank you for coming along. I know this post is on the short side, but I really wanted to get these thoughts out and make them separate from the post I will be writing while/after I listen to SM cd 3.
Thanks again Reader for taking this walk with me.  J

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Busy Busy Busy

Hello Reader, 
     I know it has been a few days since my last post, and that last post was a tad on the small and lame side of things. It is my wish that today makes up for it. I have been restless the last few days with tumbling thoughts and whirling emotions. I have been releasing madly and reading much, I have listened to the second cd of SM, apparently lost a dear friend, and made some new ones. Its been busy.
     Let me start off by saying I am feeling beyond sad to have lost a friend that means a lot to me. Losing her point of view, laughter, love, wisdom, and friendship is an ache in my heart that releasing has not been able to completely lessen, I think that is indicative of the importance I place on her friendship. She is mad at me over the drama that happened a couple of weeks ago now, that I mentioned but didn’t explain in previous blogs. I understand how she feels I am mad at me too. I should have handled things a slightly different way but the end result would have been the same regardless, and that is something I don’t think she understands. What hurts me the most about it all is that first she just jumped to conclusions over a text conversation since she wouldn’t give me the courtesy to speak to me, and second is that thru out the entire mess, not once has she even asked me if I am okay. Actually only two of my friends have been at all supportive or loving to me thru out this. I have tried to go back in game and play, I am not finding any joy in it. I realized it was my friends I wanted… not WoW. Its probably time to just move on. If the friendships I have made in this game are at all real they wont need the game to sustain them and if they are not… then they are not. I am not going to beat myself up to please other people anymore, and I am most certainly not going to force myself to associate with people who have no regard for me to please anyone either. I feel sad that my making a mistake in the way I handled the situation has turned into an unforgivable sin, it was only a mistake after all not a personal attack on anyone. Here is the thing though, all of this says much more about me than anyone else and I recognize that. I know that I have attracted this whole mess to me. I created it myself. I trusted, and loved where it was inappropriate and I then I expressed myself badly. It is my need for outside sources of love and validation that ultimately caused the situation and that is something that will get better with time, and much releasing on self hatred and distrust. That is something that is getting better in me daily….
     And speaking of releasing, as I mentioned I did listen to the second cd of SM a couple of days ago. I haven’t written a lot about it yet for a couple of reasons. The first being that I was still allowing all of the drama I created to be my main focus this week and also because once I did set everything aside and listened to the second cd I really wanted to explore it before saying anything. The cd starts by asking you first to make a list of the things that you are hoping to change/get from this course/method. I did make a list. I am not going to share with you everything on the list some of the items are really quite personal and I may at some point share them with you Reader but for now here are some of the things that I put on the list that I would like to either change or manifest in my life by using The Sedona Method…
Be a stronger person
Love myself
Be more loving with others
Financial independence/Profession/Business(s)
Be more Calm/ Less afraid
Finish writing a book(s)
Trust myself
     The list is actually a bit longer but like I said a few of the things I am just going to hold to myself a tiny bit, for now. Most of the things on the list are actually things that I am gaining more of daily. Self love, trust, strength. I have more room to grow, but that is going to be true till the day I leave this planet, and the thing is I am making an effort to bring all of these things in to reality. I am also releasing about them constantly. Just the act of welcoming my feelings and thoughts, a process so foreign to me a couple of weeks ago has become almost second nature to me. Every time (nearly) I start to feel badly or negatively I remember I have another option. I don’t have to be a slave to that feeling. Its not me, its not a reflection of me. It just is. I don’t have to keep it. Some times I can really picture myself inside this body flinging open a set of shutters on a window letting the emotions pass thru like a breeze, and I lift my face to feel it go by, to experience that which is passing thru me, but is not me. In this cd and in the workbook Hale explains that there are many times in your life where you have been forced by circumstance to let things go, and that it is really a natural ability that we forget over time as we learn to interact with the world around us. That is very similar to what Bob Proctor says in his videos about paradigms. These teachers from The Secret movie are pretty smart guys. I feel very blessed to have attracted this into my life when I did. I am so grateful.
     A lot of the second cd focused on rejection, rejection of the feelings and rejection of self. I have to say, that is me all over the place. There is very little about me that I haven’t rejected in some way or another in my life. I like that Hale explains that rejection is just another emotion. Just another thing I can let go if I choose to, yeah, I choose to. In the second cd Hale really goes over how problems in your life are really just appearances, that once you release the energy, once you let go of what ever you perceive to be your problems they will right themselves. Its our focus on them, our attempt to fix them that makes them real. And really… how can you beat yourself up for shit that isn’t even really there unless you make it be. Expression and repression are such a part of all our lives that we constantly use them to make problems real. To infuse them with a sense of importance, when the real importance is happening below the feelings the real you is in the spaces where that problem doesn’t exist. And that you is smiling at how funny you are making everything all dramatic. There is this line in cd 2 where Hale says “Tell your mind to look for trouble and it will find it.” I am always looking for trouble. I have been trying to exist in the spaces between. The spaces where all of my molecules are vibrating to create this body. I am living in there somewhere and I am trying to just be there. Just exist. To explore that nothing/everything that is me.
     I am noticing more and more where I used to have physical manifestations of my constant battle with my emotions, and myself. My shoulders, they have gotten much looser. My back doesn’t hurt like it used to, and in my throat I would always have this strangled feeling which has been stubbornly hanging on but is lessening with every release. I am also crying so much less. So much less. And when I do cry it seems more like a cleansing and less like a defeat. I am having less instances of panic and anxiety as well. I am feeling more light and bouncy when I am walking and I am laughing and smiling lot more. I have been looking forward to the rest of my life more like an adventure and less like a chore and that is something that gives me tremendous relief. I was for a long time wondering how I could possibly make it thru another thirty or forty years of this crap and then came the movie The Secret that started me on this journey. I am so happy to be on this path, and I am thrilled you have joined me Reader. Thank You. I am so grateful for this journey, and I am so grateful for you.     
     I have had some new neighbors for a few weeks, they have seemed like really sweet people since the first day they moved in. We have been friendly with each other since day one, and over the last few days we have started talking more and more, they are just really down to earth sweet people who are interesting and lovely to talk to. I am enjoying the budding friendship with them, we have much in common including The Secret, and an openness and willingness to explore life. It was really awesome to be able to talk to people about what I am doing and experiencing with out sensing the inner eye roll. You know what I mean Reader. You are all excited about something and you tell a loved one and you can tell just by how they are nodding and smiling that inside they are really rolling their eyes.
I will be listing to cd 3 tonight, more to follow for sure!
Jammy
　
　
　

The List and I love you.

     A few blogs ago I told you about a call I received from a lovely gentleman named Arash, who is a life coach with Bob Proctor. I am still working with the exercises he gave me. One of the things he said to do was to tell myself I love you, every day for 90 days. I have sat here for ten minutes trying to think of words that describe to you how incredibly foreign and strange the words I love you felt coming out of my mouth while I stood in my bathroom looking at me in the mirror. I love so many people. I offer my affection freely to those I love and for a few I offer my complete self as much as I am able. Me, I have been less that kind to me. I keep missing days, I keep avoiding mirrors. I am going to stop doing that today. The other thing that Arash had me do was make two lists 20 items long each. The first one is all the things about me that irritate or upset me about myself. Basically the hate list. The other is the Grateful for, Love List. The first list I am supposed to burn so I can be rid of it. The second one I am supposed to keep with me and look at daily. I am not going to publish the burn list, for obvious reasons, I am going to bring to you now the love list, and I am going to resist the urge to ask your opinion on it. Its not your list. Its mine so I need to be a honey badger about it. The funny thing about this process is that I absolutely expected to be finished with the hate list long before the love list, but I am not. I still need three more things. That makes me smile.
　
THE LIST
1. Nice
2. Funny
3. My way with words
4. Very Considerate
5. Smart
6. Open Minded
7. Loyal
8. Kind
9. Strong
10. Determination
11. That I like to sing
12. Good Dancer
13. Loving
14. Honest
15. My laugh
16. Nice Rack (I know I know but it really is)
17. Curious
18. My Journey
19 Caring
20. That I am trying.
　
Again I am having to resist the urge to write the words How do you like it reader… and all though I did just do that, the fact that I don’t actually mean the question does make it a bit easier to put it down and accept it for what it is. Just a learned behavior, looking to someone else to tell me how to feel about me. I have another blog coming I am working on it now, but I thought this should be by its self.
Cya Soon Reader, J

Learning new ways everyday.

     So I have had a pretty emotionally charged few days since last I posted, Reader. Wednesday, I was nervous all day thinking about the phone call I was to have later that evening with Arash one of Bob Proctors personal coaches. It was something Bob had offered to me free and I was excited but very nervous too. Of course that was just silly, which I came to realize pretty quickly. Arash was a very kind to me and very gentle with me. He and I talked about my current situation and about some of the goals I would like to have put in place by this time next year but most importantly he asked me some things that really had me thinking. First thing I remember him saying to me was, if I could imagine being extremely confident what would it look like, he also asked me if it was possible that the “truths” I believed about myself were in fact someone else’s lies. That really got me thinking. He also gave me a couple of exercises to do, one where I am supposed to tell myself I love you everyday for 90 days, in the mirror for a few minutes. I swear when he said that I lost my breath because the thought of it was so completely foreign to me. I started to cry. I couldn’t help it, but I just kept it quiet. He also told me to make a list of 20 things I do and don’t like about me. Burn the one I don’t like and keep the one I do and look at it every day. Keep it with me. I am still working on making that list but I have it started. I also that night watched a movie. The movie is called Letting Go, its about the Sedona Method of releasing emotion and freeing yourself. Its by one of the secret teachers Hale Dwoskin. All I can say is WOW. It really is pretty simple and powerful stuff. It’s omg  really stupid how easy this is, and why didn’t I think of this way to just let shit go, and its really working for me even more than tapping has been helping, which is significant. I think I may end up with a combo of the two but, I am really working with this welcoming technique I learned from the movie. A very simple welcoming technique. It makes a lot of sense to me in that it’s the exact opposite of what I am doing now which is to just harbor the hurt and emotion, the bad and incorrect ways I think about myself. The technique is simply to welcome the emotions, the thoughts the memories, to open yourself up and let them flow to you like a river. Invite them in, welcome them, welcome the feelings that you have to change it or control it or that it even has anything at all to do with you, and then simply ask yourself if you like the way it feels. NO? Well then, could you let it go? Would you let it go? When? I am sure the answers to those questions are pretty clear. All I can say is this has really has opened me up a lot to being able to deal with the emotions I have, both past and present, and to be able to release them fast. Every time I release something I feel like I have uncovered something of me that has been buried and hidden by what was just let go, I also imagine it like I am my apartment. And that life is a cross breeze and emotions, and experiences are carried on that cross breeze that runs thru my open windows. I can feel the breeze the breeze can blow my curtains maybe even knock over a lamp, or blow my hair, but that breeze is not me. Its just something I experience as it flows thru me but when its gone its gone. I am still there, maybe wiser from the experience but still just me. Nothing more, nothing less, and that is just perfectly perfect as it is. WOW. Seriously I would recommend watching the movie its freaking amazing! I also found a workbook for it online and am gonna check that out too, you know I will bring you what I find out.

     Thursday, I woke up feeling pretty raw from the phone call with Arash, and watching the movie Letting Go, I was also feeling particularly emotional because I had felt really left out the night before when some friends of mine chose to do something that didn’t include me. I shouldn’t have felt bad about it but I did and so that is that. I kind of acted like a jerk about it even while admitting that I was being a jerk. lol So funny. Well anyway when I got up it all worked itself out mostly because I came to the decision (thru releasing) to stop caring about it. Its kinda funny cause the situation hasn’t changed, I am totally being blown off, and I am sure that my friend thinks I am too dumb to realize he is blowing me off, like tonight (Saturday) he asked me to do something in game (WoW), so even though I was kinda doing something else I said yes, because I had been looking forward to playing with him for two days, then after I logged into the game he kept me waiting for over two hours, then blew me off to go chill with our other friend, the one that he keeps blowing me off for, and didn’t even have the consideration to tell me that I was wasting my time waiting for him. Later he even wanted me to drop everything for him again cause our other friend went to bed and he had time for me now… I just started laughing. I already spent some time releasing my irritation with him after I figured out what was up, so the game he is trying to play is just funny to me at this point, that doesn’t mean I am going to keep letting him do it to me, he must think I am an idiot or something. It doesn’t actually matter, because I just don’t care about it anymore. Not that I don’t care about him. That’s not the case in any way. I absolutely adore him and I am sure we will be friends forever, and its just fine for him to chose to spend time with a mutual friend over me, it is not however very nice to be so inconsiderate. When he tried to get me to come back and talk to him later on that night after our friend went to bed I told him I was too busy had wasted enough time waiting for him today and wasn’t going to drop everything for him again. I didn’t get mad I wasn’t emotional, it felt good to just mean what I say and be done with it. I feel really proud about how well I was about to process my irritation and not let it grow out of proportion or turn into anything worse. I feel really strong. I used to always feel like if I could just somehow give everyone I cared about the absolute most love I had in me that I would find it reflected back to me. That they would feel that love and want to return it to me… I really thought that the love I needed was going to come to me that way. I actually believed that the reason that people didn’t love me enough for me to feel secure was my fault. That if I could just love them more then I would feel from them the acceptance and love that I needed to feel complete and whole. That fully boggles my mind to contemplate thinking that way now. I literally feel like I just met myself. Like I just saw me for the first time. I think I might like this girl. She is interesting and funny, she is smart and curious. She is me. I can not describe to you how this feels. I am literally vibrating with joy. Its like I am becoming purely me in a way I haven’t been since the moment of my birth. I am so grateful to feel so overflowing with goodness, love, intentions, ideas, and to be ME. Oh my God, I am me.

I have  plenty more to say but I am tired so this is it for now Reader. More Soon. J

Thoughts from early this week.

     Today is Monday and after yesterdays session of self acceptance tapping I am still experiencing a feeling of well being and a sense of having released at least in part some of what has been blocking me from not only being myself , but also from trusting myself. I admit I do feel a bit shy with it, but the feeling is still there and very different from what I am used to, but it really does feel freaking great! I mean I see and feel real physical manifestations of my negative emotions clearing out of me. Just now I was sitting here and it all of a sudden occurred to me that I wasn’t sitting with my shoulders scrunched up and hard. That I was indeed just sitting relaxed and engaged in what I was doing not half paying attention to one thing, while the other part of me is berating myself over some imagined awfulness I am or have done or whatever. That is pretty nice. I am so happy to have found the tools that will allow me to never return to that place of self hatred and fear. I know I am getting stronger daily. I feel so much more alive and thrilled to be contemplating making some even bigger changes in my life. I think that writing this blog is part of all of the changes in me. It feels really great to be putting all of this down, to be offering my journey to you Reader, so that just maybe you will find a friend here, find a connection that leads you to a place that gives you the joy you are seeking in your life, the joy that I am finding in my life. I want that joy to be like a happy virus running out from this blog to “infect” everyone it touches with a bug called Joy! 

     Its pretty cool to me that rather than try to push my emotions back and trying to stop feeling them every time something pops up now, I just sort of start analyzing it and exploring it and deciding what to call it. I almost play with the emotion. I don’t run from it anymore. I just let it be. I just let it tell me what it is and if its not something I want to feel again I just pull out my new and shiny tool, Tapping and get rid of it for good. That is absolutely the opposite of what I have ever done before. I always just felt like such a victim to what was going on inside me not in control of it at all. Like I was just stuck with how I felt and nothing could change that. It is so awesome to have been wrong. Its even more awesome to know its okay to be wrong. I am gonna make mistakes sometimes and that’s just fine. I will make plenty of wonderful decisions and maybe an occasional mistake, but I will learn from it all, I am excited by the idea of it. 
    
      I cant stop thinking about this one sentence in the movie The Secret, when Lisa says, “Its not your job to change the world.” I think that is one of the only things about the movie that I disagree with. It is my job. Its your job. it’s a job that we do every day that we strive to be more than we were the day before. When we open ourselves up to Love and Joy in our lives we radiate that to everyone around us and make that part of the world a better place, but even more than that it opens you up to the knowledge of all the ways we are connected. Who did I assist in their journey today or yesterday or last week with my blogs or tweets or facebook links. Did I put an idea in someone’s mind or cause someone to think differently or see in their world a more beautiful place? I don’t know. But the possibility is there. The chance for a connection is there based on the love that I am giving to myself and there by radiating out to all who come in contact with me. I hope that if you are looking for answers or you are struggling to make sense of your world and are reading these words that they are radiating out to you the love I feel for you now. The love that resides inside you now. Use these tools that I have found to help you feel that love, that joy. If these tools aren’t the right ones for you then I hope that this is only one stop on your journey of self discovery and enlightenment. I hope this road leads you to the right tools for you to find within you all the things you need to be happy. Because I promise you now everything you need to feel good and to be filled with joy daily is already inside you. You may be a bit broken, you may have some emotions and experiences weighing you down, but once you clear out the hurt, and pain of old energy you will find a freer and happier you. Even as I write those words I realize that a couple of months ago reading that would have made me roll my eyes and say something like sure easy for you to say. But it is easy for me to say, simply because it is true. I am so grateful.

New way to Tap that made me pretty happy!

I stumbled this week, hard. Actually as I write those words I realize that it was coming for a couple of days before it happened. I have been stewing on all this information that is flooding toward me faster than I can handle. I asked for help in a very passionate way and the universe has certainly delivered, I think I overloaded my brain frankly. I fucking fell apart for a couple of days. I cried and raged and pretty basically thru a colossal tantrum. As I put that thought into actual words the truth of it rang clear inside me and I was suddenly able to forgive myself and even laugh a bit at myself for something so small. It is amazing how I am being shown even my own self. I also made a mistake in not continuing to watch the secret if not daily at least frequently. I got caught up in Meridian EFT Tapping, the zeitgeist shit, and then sons of anarchy (good show but very violent and negative so not good for me right this second) and weeds (same thing kinda), and I a little bit got lost from the message of the great secret. I have it on now as I write this and the goodness and truth of its message are washing over me and cleansing me of the negative thoughts I have allowed to build up in me over the last few days. I need to get back on track. But I have to remember this is all new and I still am learning, growing and getting stronger. I need to keep these teachers around me till I am a bit more steady on my spiritual legs so to speak. Right this moment I am doing all of this work alone. I am doing the tapping alone with only articles and videos to guide me, and it is helping but I cant help but wonder if I had proper guidance in the journey would I be doing better? Or an I doing it exactly as I need to for me? I am gonna concentrate that the latter is true and accept guidance where I find it. I know that I feel stronger everyday thru my eft meridian tapping exercises, and as they get more specific and I uncover new things with it, what I have noticed most though is that I don’t trust myself. I am pretty sure that has been a learned attitude toward myself thru out my life, and I am working to discover as many of those times and feelings as I am able to so I can release them and their control over me and my thoughts. I am done living this stunted and frightened way. I am sick of being afraid by everything, of simply being afraid to live. I don’t want, nor will I just sit here and wait to die anymore. I am so mad that I have been doing that. I have to get that put in the right order in my head if I am gonna get past this. I have to embrace me and forget the lessons I have learned that have taught me to hate and mistrust myself.

     The above paragraph was written on Thursday this week and when I began to think that I would like a bit more guidance in my tapping I found a new tapping site and technique that I like a lot more than the style I was using. Let me get you a link…  tapping and I really like how it gets your whole brain involved. It really works much better for me. There are a lot of vids for it too and he doesn’t say okay now if you want to really know how to do it buy this video or go to our meetings. He just obviously wants to help I like that. He plainly says on his site that he gives these videos away free on his site because he wants to help as many people as he can with this. He has a book sure and I know he has personal sessions too but that doesn’t negate how he is trying to help people with these extremely detailed videos that take you fully thru the tapping process and help you center yourself and work thru your emotions. Its amazing He is a great teacher. I am so blessed to have found him. 
     Reconditioning my brain to love me is pretty hard work. Not in the sense that its work I cant do but its extremely tiring. Today (Sunday) I spent the morning doing some self acceptance tapping and after an hour and a half I was so exhausted I had to lay down for 45 minutes. I feel into such a deep sleep I woke up so refreshed and I still feel amazing hours later. I know there is still work to do and sure it may make me tired, but damn it tired is a lot better than panicked hatred for myself and I can take a nap! I also really let myself start to think too big sometimes. I have always done that. I get all worked up thinking about things I could never change on my own and start to think how could I possibly deserve to be happy if _________. You fill in the blank there are thousands of reasons to not be happy. Its stupid to use them as excuses and I am really starting to get that now. My unhappiness doesn’t feed anyone or clothe anyone. My unhappiness cant love anyone and I cant love anyone when I hate me and am unhappy. I am much more able to make any kind of difference just by being good to me and damn it, I do deserve it. If you are reading this I hope that you understand that you do too. I hope that if you are struggling in anyway you understand that these tools are here for you too. You called this to you and there is a reason for that. Don’t ignore that! Love to you Reader! XOXO J

Damn I dont even know how to title this shit!

     Hi Reader! I am really trying to gather my thoughts, over the last couple of days I have watched all of the films by The Zeitgeist Movement and I am reborn. I know that sounds fucking stupid but its how I feel. Its almost like when you take blinders off a horse and he can finally see the truth of his environment, I have been made more aware of what is going on around me and how grateful I am to be awake, and being awake I don’t feel subjected by the rules that are being forced on me by those “in power”, that’s not to say I am stupid enough to go willy nilly breaking the rules to the point I get arrested or anything like that. Here’s the thing though, with this information and feeling of freedom, I am also incredibly pissed off. So as you can imagine its been kind of hard to reconcile those two completely polar emotions. Especially when you consider how much anger I have managed to eliminate from myself in the last couple of weeks. I am so angry that we are all kept from the information that can and would change our species for the better. I am angry that more of us aren’t asking these questions that lead to these answers, and I am angry at all the families/people/power-hungry bastards that have worked cooperatively to keep us blinded to what is really going on. The people in power thumb their collective noses at us and what we need as a whole. And we are being placated with cars and big TVs, and pieces of paper that don’t mean anything. I wonder if any of those “powerful” people have given any thought at all about who is going to take care of them after they killed us all off for dollars. Who will you pay to clean your shit or to be your slave when we are all dead and all you have are dollars? It makes me mad to think of how short sighted we are allowing ourselves to be. But then on the other hand there are all these people who do realize what is taking place and they are trying to tell us. We have some choices to make but I think that most people don’t realize that there is one. I think a lot of the reason for that is that any time someone comes along with the right message that person or people are labeled as kooks so its less likely we will listen to them or if they do manage to get thru even a little they are killed off. Think about how many of the people in the world who were thinking in new and radical ways that are no longer with us and why. I hope we can figure it out before its too late. I hope that all of us can understand that WE are the ones with the actual power and that we can use that power to change the world we live in, and really we wouldn’t have to do anything other than stop working in their system. I know that sounds scary but if we organized and decided together to stop using money and to stop listening to the rules and take matters into our own hands how could they stop us? The true people in power have zero skills expect the skill to create money they cant make anything or probably even figure out how to feed themselves in most cases with out us. So why are we taking care of them? I think some people are starting to get that. It gives me hope.
     I am a tad boggled as well by all the connections and how I am becoming aware of them all around me. I am only now waking up to the fact of them, not just the connections around me but in the world and in the universe. Like how I keep getting the information I am asking for every time I ask for it. First The Secret, then Tapping, and now these movies from the Zeitgeist site. It really is pretty amazing how fast all of this is coming my way. I am so calm and so able to control my emotions in a way I have never been able to and as we all know I have been struggling in this life to figure out who the fuck I am and what is important to me, but I feel like I am really getting a handle on that. I honestly feel like all of this new information is beginning to scrub me clean of the filthy lies I have not only been told but taught to believe. About the world about the universe and about where I belong in it. I have never in all my life felt so free to just express myself and be who I truly am and not what I have been led to believe I am by others expectations, desires, and perceptions of what I should or shouldn’t be. Of course this also leads to a responsibility to be sure that I take care in my relationships with others and to remember to love as I love myself, and I have to admit in my broken ass brain its kinda hard to do that sometimes. I am used to judging and hating and fearing anything I don’t understand we are trained to do that. So breaking that habit is a bit of an effort I have to remind myself to remember what I am doing. As I mentioned earlier I am of two minds about all of this. I am pissed the fuck off, but I am also so blessed to have been given the gifts I have been given. I swear I feel like I just got pulled out of the freaking matrix and Morpheus is right there saying it was all just a dream, but just like Neo waking up doesn’t mean I don’t have shit to do! And I don’t think that any one of us has all the right answers but I think if we work together for the betterment of mankind and not the hording of things and money we would be on a much better track than the one we are on now.
     I was on Facebook today as I often am just screwing around and catching up on friends, well you know I am sure you go there too. But I see this feed about how congress isn’t paying our troops and how we should stop paying congress, that by it self made me laugh as that person is only half right, congress isn’t paying their troops those troops aren’t ours, and your damn right we should stop paying them. Then one of my nieces writes how she doesn’t support the war and that we are the ones that are the actual terrorists, and sadly she is correct, but of course that spurned an entire family fight on the freaking facebook (yes that’s what we do!) about how Heather is an awful American and human being I guess now that she thinks on her own and not the thoughts preprogrammed into us by the government run media, it was funny how they started to try to scare her out of her opinion by using the lies they have been taught to believe as truth by our system and those who are in control of it. Funny. I know guys I know I sound like some kooky conspiracy theorist but its not a theory if the conspiracy exists now is it? And the evidence is available for anyone who wants to look. I am still just in the beginning stages of trying to look up all the shit in the movies but so far everything I found is right there easy to find if you want to, nor am I saying that these movie are 100% perfect either I am sure that like anyone this guy has put his own spin on shit, I am taking from the movies too that he doesn’t believe in God and that is fine too. I do, I don’t however believe in Jesus, and I didn’t need his movie to tell me how bogus that little story was and I have seen the parallels to other myths myself even as a child so I don’t need anyone to point out to me how ridiculous the story is. Nor do I think the bible is God’s book, it is just a system of control that was put into use a long time ago and if it ever was useful has outlived said usefulness. And lets not forget, the zeitgeist guy isn’t the only one saying we are about to run out of oil, or that money is fake, or that our government is doing some pretty shady shit, or that the bible is bogus, and what about the corporations buying up the water? No one is making that shit up either. We all have had our minds blown by some of the things that have come to light over the years that have been directly done by our own government. I don’t know testing LSD on “our“ troops just as only one example we all know there are many others. I know there are gonna be all these cries of well if you don’t like America get out!, and the good old, we aren’t perfect but we are the best out there, really? Come on. Stop using sound bites as arguments and think for yourselves, cause baby we have got to start paying attention. I know waking up hurts. It sucks but it can also be very liberating. We don’t have to keep living for these idiots and what they want. We can start to decide for ourselves what is important. We can choose differently. Again, I have hope.
     I truly wish for a word that more adequately expresses what I am feeling now, but I guess Gratitude will have to suffice, and don’t forget reader one of the things I am grateful for is you. I will get back to more posts on taps very soon I am not done with that, and I am sure I will be manifesting in my life more information and awakenings and you know I cant wait to share them with you, but for now, I am off! Live lovingly and gratefully today and all days. J