Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Keep Moving!

     I haven’t been able since doing the processes on cd three yesterday afternoon to kick some of the things that it brought up in me. I know I need to move on in the series go to cd four and not forget about it or anything, but keep the momentum flowing forward. I am struggling with it. The sense of who the fuck do you think you are is so strong in me today I am shaking with it. I just cant seem to release the feeling inside me that I need to be quashed, stopped, not allowed to keep exploring this avenue that is bringing to me so much enlightenment of self. That somehow what I am is so damaged, or insignificant that my wanting to be more is somehow an affront to everything else that is. Even as I write this I can see the ridiculousness and truth in the statement. The truth is that it is exactly how I feel about myself and weather or not its been taught to me externally or something intrinsically me, there it is. The ridiculousness of it is simply who in the hell am I to let down not only myself, but God, and everyone else that I could be helping if I wasn’t wallowing in my own self indulgent stupidity. Not to mention the constant judgment of myself which I guess if I look at this posting objectively that is exactly what I am doing today, and need to stop right now.
     I know all of this is just me trying to fit back into that groove I was so used to existing in, that in many ways the new places I am going in myself and exploring outside of me as well are wonderfully exciting and terrifying in equal measure. Alternating and flickering on and off inside me at exhilarating speeds. I can barely keep up with any of it. I guess the point is to not try. To just open up and let it flow.
     Just writing this down for you Reader has helped me tremendously to center and calm the thoughts and emotions swirling inside me so that now I think I am able to sit still for a minute and release it. I think a chakra clearing might be in order as well. Ya think? Then maybe its time for a cd. I am learning Reader, thanks for tagging along on the ride!


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