Friday, May 13, 2011

I know its been a few days but...

I play world of warcraft, I had to stop playing and leave my guild the other day.
     I know that my friends don’t understand why it was necessary for me to back off from the group that we all belong to, and I do wish that I was able to explain it to them, but for myself and for the good of the group whether I am in it or not, I wont talk about it. That is something that is really difficult for me as I am in a lot of pain right now. I need my friends support so much, and because I cant allow this to tear the group apart I can’t talk about it. I am sure I have been cast in the role of the bad guy, the unreasonable one, and I will gladly accept that if it means that the family I helped to created stays strong. I am lost and lonely without them. I miss them so much. I wish that I could just pretend that I have not been made to feel like a complete idiot by what amounts to a couple of kids but I can not, and so I have to just step back. I am beyond hurt and embarrassed by what happened and I can not share this with anyone. I cant control the story they will tell but I can keep my own council, I only regret that it requires me to lose that which I hold dear.
     I know they (my guild members) are mad at me, and I think a couple of them have decided to stop being my friend and I guess that is something I will have to live with. I did what I had to do for myself, I wish I was able to explain it better but I am not, I had hoped that my worth as a friend wasn’t predicated on my being in, or the work I did for the guild, or playing the game that brought us together, and for a few I think that may be true but only time will tell and I will have to accept what happens because I can not, will not, allow myself to be used the way I was for what can only be personal enjoyment again no matter who it’s for. I am going to get past this. I am using the SM (Sedona method) constantly to release my feelings about it. It has made it easier but its still hurts.
     I was working on a blog post when this happened and I am still but its hit a snag. I will get one up in the next day or two Reader I promise.
Thanks for sticking with me Reader it means a lot to me. J


Exxon said...

Let me pose a similar situation purely hypothetically. I just came home to find a childhood/family friend in bed with my wife. I choose not to talk to my family about this because they are all also friends with this person. I instead internalize and sever all ties with them offering no reason why. I suffer greatly from this emotionally destroyed and turn to a "method" that requires the support of friends and family which I no longer am in contact with. I instead take this pain and fight it daily for a long time alone and say its for the good of said family. Now I ask you, does that make sense to you?

Jammy said...

Exxon, I want to thank you for talking with me. I appreciate your friendship and understanding more than you can imgaine. J